All the emphasis on self-esteem building in recent decades has done little to instruct people on what to do when they hit a bump in the road. Most of us, research shows, unleash our inner critic – even if the hardship is brought on by age, illness or another inevitable part of life.
Recently, scientists such as Paul Gilbert of Kingsway Hospital in the United Kingdom and Kristin Neff of the University of Texas at Austin, have suggested being self-compassionate, rather than self-critical, especially in rough times, is more likely to help us rebound and may lead to greater success and happiness in the long run. Robin Nixon
Learning self-control takes practice and overindulging during a meal can sometimes trigger a downward spiral of unhealthy eating. Falling off the wagon is often an unavoidable part of healthy eating, but depending on how people view themselves, one incident of busting a grub can be the beginning of the end of the road— or merely a slight detour..
Giving herself "as much loving kindness and compassion as I could" helped Kristin Neff of Elgin meet one her greatest challenges: having a son with autism, she writes in her new book, "Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind"
Neff, 44, an associate professor at the University of Texas in human development and culture, writes that self-compassion helps us remember we are imperfect and connected to others. Practicing it can lead to a happier life, said Neff, a pioneer in the field.
In my previous article, Self-compassion In Mental Health Recovery, I talked about becoming compassionate to self is a life long process. It stands to reason that the process has to start somewhere. The trick, if there
is one, comes in finding the methods and tools that are exclusive to your needs. For self-compassion to rise in you, a very personal approach must be adopted. This is true not only for developing the skills of compassion but all work that you do in personal development. The fortunate part of this process is that once you do get methods and tools that work for you personal growth starts to build its own momentum.
In my coaching practice, one of the biggest barriers to growth that my clients face is a lack of self-compassion. For many clients, it seems much easier to berate, judge and criticize themselves than it is to treat themselves in a kind, compassionate manner.
I cannot count the number of times I have had a client tell me their self-berating thoughts, and I have said, “Would you ever talk to or treat a child that way? Or even another adult?” The answer is always a resounding “No! Never!”
This is the opening part of a public lecture given by Dr. Kristin Neff on self-compassion in 2007 at the University of Kentucky. The difference between self-esteem and self-compassion is discussed.
Connect Already! Contagious Happiness Through Connection and Service Emma Seppala - research associate at the Center for Investigating Healthy Minds at the Waisman Center, University of Wisconsin-Madison. and
The Importance of Self-Compassion Kelly McGonigal, PhD, Stanford health psychologist and senior teacher for the Stanford Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education, discusses the importance of self-compassion for happiness, mental health, and personal success.
When you think of empathy, you probably think of putting yourself in someone else's shoes, imagining what their life is like. Empathy is about connecting with what it's like to be someone else. In order to empathize with someone, you need to pay attention to them and really listen to them.
Self-empathy is similar, but it's about really listening to yourself. It's about connecting with what's alive in you, turning your attention inward to see what is going on for you. Self-empathy is particularly helpful when you're experiencing some sort of emotional discomfort. It is a way to stay connected with yourself when your tendency is to avoid or distract.
Self-compassion is extending compassion to one's self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering. Neff has defined self-compassion as being composed of three main components - self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.
* Self-kindness: Self-compassion entails being warm towards oneself when encountering pain and personal shortcomings, rather than ignoring them or hurting oneself with self-criticism.
* Common humanity: Self-compassion also involves recognizing that suffering and personal failure is part of the shared human experience.
* Mindfulness: Self-compassion requires taking a balanced approach to one's negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. Negative thoughts and emotions are observed with openness, so that they are held in mindful awareness. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which individuals observe their thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them.Conversely, mindfulness requires that one not be "over-identified" with mental or emotional phenomena, so that one suffers aversive reactions. This latter type of response involves narrowly focusing and ruminating on one's negative emotions.
“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves…”
Since practicing Mindfulness I’ve become very aware of when judgment is coming up. It begins with a sometimes sharp at other times subtle pain in my heart, a closing of the throat or a agitated feeling in the stomach. It’s a feeling of being triggered…the stories are usually about how I did something or someone did/said something wrong. The first arrow is the pain that is a part of life. The second arrow and all the other ones that follow are the stories that we make up about the trigger; why it happened, what we did to cause it, or what’s going on for the other person and then we end up creating a novella and reacting to our stories.
You may be treating your loved ones and associates with love, but are you showing the same love to yourself? Many people find it easier to support and understand others, but they often over-criticize their own shortcomings. Research suggests that self-compassion is healthy and makes people more optimistic and happy. In fact, self-compassion can even have an effect on our diet and help people shed extra calories.
- Self-Compassion is not Self-Indulgence - Compassion for Kids - Meditation Boosts Self-Compassion - Research On Self-Compassion - Self-Compassion for Weight Loss
We live in a culture that tells us we’re lazy and self-indulgent if we don’t criticize ourselves. Our media exposure and our peers at Stanford tell us we’re not good enough no matter how hard we try — we’re not smart enough, pretty enough, cool enough, studying enough, partying enough, even happy enough (yes, we can compete on everything, and we do!).
We all have something about ourselves that we don’t like, that we’re ashamed or insecure about. At the same time, we reject the patently true fact that imperfection is human. When we fail, we perceive that we’re alone in our failure — even though feelings of inadequacy and insecurity are part of living the human life. img http://bit.ly/ljnIZb
Until we learn self-compassion, we aren’t loving ourselves. Being out of love with ourselves is the cause of all our spiritual / emotional / mental / physical wounds. When we aren’t loving ourselves, we feel disconnected from our Source, which is Love Itself.
Once we’ve opened up our end of the conversation with our Source, have acknowledged our wound, and have become willing to take responsibility for our lives, then awakening compassion for ourselves is the next essential step in our healing and well being.
A budding field of research has psychologists finding that self-compassion may be the most important life skill, imparting resilience, courage, energy and creativity. It's also a skill many people lack...
Self-compassion is often misunderstood as being soft and indulgent; and the phrase alone would probably turn the stomach of Amy Chua, whose book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" (Penguin, 2011) re-stoked the debate about how strict or lenient we should be with our kids and with ourselves.
But psychological research says neither side of this debate wins.
I came across a study recently on self-compassion, and how people who are more compassionate with themselves have less depression, anxiety, and tend to be more resilient, optimistic, and happier. So it got me thinking about how we encourage self-esteem in children, yet we don’t spend as much time and energy on cultivating self-compassion.
What does it mean to be self-compassionate and how can we teach children how to become more compassionate?
Adams and Leary (2007) define self-compassion as the ability to react with self-kindness and understanding when encountering difficult situations.
Have you ever attempted self-empathy and found that you just end up getting stuck in unpleasant feelings and a swirl of repetitive thoughts? Let’s look at some of the basics of self-empathy.
Self-empathy is meant to allow space for you to experience all that is alive in you with acceptance and honor for that experience.
Self-empathy isn’t meant to be an elixir that removes unpleasant feelings.
I often think of feelings as energy entities that want to be known – experienced fully and acknowledged. Sometimes this takes a few minutes, sometimes a few hours or days or weeks.
In my work in my own life and with couples and families, I have found that Self-Empathy IS actually a key to breaking these cycles of disconnection.
Practiced skillfully, it gives us a way to stop the yelling and get back to a connected state. Self-Empathy can (and does every day) save partners, family members, even work associates unthinkable amounts of grief.
I am especially attracted to self-empathy because it is a gift that we can give ourselves in any moment and at any location. I almost melt when I type these words because I am aware of the beauty of this gift that each of us holds in our hearts.
When we choose to focus our attention on what is happening inside of us, we open ourselves to a healing energy that flows into and through us leaving peace and relief.
This is an important distinction between self-esteem, as referred to in general, versus self-compassion. Duke professor highlights the greater importance of self-compassion as it relates to our relationship with ourselves:
This post is a response to The Power of Self-Compassion by Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D.
Like Professor McGonigal, I too read Tara Parker-Pope's New York Times article on self-compassion with interest, and immediately wondered how Professor Kristin Neff's work in the area might relate to my previous posts about self-loathing and feelings of inadequacy (see here, here, here, and here). Might self-compassion provide help to the self-loathing? I'm afraid I'm skeptical, and here's why.
Many of the benefits of having a high self-esteem may actually be due to having high self-compassion. Self-compassion is about being kind to yourself and understanding your weaknesses and failings.
High self-esteem is associated with narcissism and angry responses to critique. Self-compassion is linked with life satisfaction, resilience, social connectedness, and self-mastery.
Being self-compassionate helps you to understand your weaknesses and receive constructive criticism. Together, self-esteem and self-compassion build better mental health and resilience.
Do you beat yourself up over every little dieting transgression? Do you find you get frustrated and critical with yourself when faced with a setback in your health and fitness program? Are you harder on yourself than you would be on a friend or colleague?
Many people, in fact probably most people, feel the same way.
But, some surprising research suggests that people who are kind to themselves, and more tolerant toward their own imperfections, are more likely to be successful with their health and fitness goals
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