A recipe for divorce: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
For over 40 years the psychologist Professor John Gottman has been analysing relationships, both good and bad.
He's followed couples across decades in many psychological studies to see what kinds of behaviours predict whether they would stay together in the long-term or were soon destined for the divorce courts
.Amongst the factors he identified, four have stood out, time and time again. When Gottman sees a couple's communication overrun with these, the chances are they will divorce in an average of around six years from their marriage.
My work over the last 15 years has largely been devoted to exploding the damaging myths that we absorb about love, romance, and relationships from the time we're old enough to ingest information.
There is greatness and beauty in doing something inconvenient for the sake of someone you care about. All relationships require work. They don't just materialize ...
Lori Hollander LCSW-C, BCD - Three common themes can be found in extraordinary partnerships, which don't form magically but, rather, are created and nurtured.
If a woman doesn’t want to have sex with her husband but does it anyway to please him, is she codependent or compassionate? That was the subject of debate a few days ago among some friends and I. Half said she was codependent and half said compassionate.
The line between codependency and compassion can be fuzzy because the intentions of both appear the same. However, while compassion promotes effective communication and mutual respect, codependency destroys the foundation of healthy relationships.
Carl Ransom Rogers (1902 – 1987) was an influential American psychologist and among the founders of the humanistic approach (or client-centered approach) to psychology.
A couple of years ago, I had the pleasure of reviewing something like three different really bad romantic comedies for this site over the span of only a couple of months. I didn’t quite swallow my tongue, but it was a close thing.
About one them I argued that the problem with romantic comedies was that they were “pornography of the short cut.” Such movies fetishize the grand romantic moments that litter the beginnings of love, confusing those surging instants of passion for the years that endure. Such stories don’t want to linger on those little details over the years, the kindness and sweetness stockpiled day by day, they just want to jump to some non-existent end point of synthetic happiness. Read more at http://www.pajiba.com/think_pieces/it-was-never-meeting-sally-that-mattered-to-harry-what-romantic-movies-dont-get.php#JPAsMekEL7BWtdSB.99
In a very insightful review of the movie The Descendants I read that there are no contemporary models for love in the second decade of marriage. The author implied that for this we must look to 19th century Russian literature.
Dr. Amy Fuller's insight:
Therapist Daniel Hope explains the differnce between love as something that you feel and loving, something that we do. Interesting reframe on "fake it til you make it."
Helping adults thrive in relationships impacted by ADHD Dr. Edward Hallowell and Melissa Orlov blog about marriage when one or both spouses has ADHD. What is it like? What are common themes in marriages with ADHD? What strategies can be used to improve these relationships? How can struggling couples get their marriages back on track so both partners can thrive?
Dr. Amy Fuller's insight:
Married to someone with ADHD? This site is for you! Lots of great tips for coping and maintaining healthy relationships when one or both partners stuggle with ADD/ADHD symptoms. http://www.adhdmarriage.com Scooped by Amy Fuller PhD
“I love mankind - it’s people I can’t stand.” Charlie Brown, in Charles Schulz’ timeless comic strip, “Peanuts”
Charlie Brown had a point: relationships with other human beings are wonderful – in theory. In reality, they can be difficult and messy. But nothing determines our success in life as much as our ability to work with other people.
And nothing is more messy in relationships than dealing with conflict. But I believe there are both constructive and destructive ways to approach it. Here are my top ten responses:
You're hard-wired for empathy, whether you like it or not.
More than two decades ago now, scientists made a discovery that fundamentally altered our understanding of empathy. While observing monkeys, they noticed that certain brain cells activated both when a monkey performed an action and when that monkey watched another monkey perform the same action.
It’s a scenario we’ve all probably experienced before: If we’ve seen someone stub her toe, or cut her finger, or fall off a bike, and winced because we could feel the pain ourselves. That wincing – that unconscious reaction – is caused by “mirror neurons” firing in our brains. And these same neurons fire whether the action happens to us or to someone we’re watching.
More than two decades ago now, scientists made a discovery that fundamentally altered our understanding of empathy. While observing monkeys, they noticed that certain brain cells activated both when a monkey performed an action and when that monkey watched another monkey perform the same action.
“Words really flattering are not those which we propose but those which escape us unthinkably.” ~Ninon de L'Enclos
Suddenly, I realized that the people sitting around that table possessed something that I didn’t: a passion for life coupled with an arsenal of intellectual and conversational skills that had somehow escaped me during my over three decades on this earth.
As I watched the playful and at times tense (think Italians flailing their arms around in the air and the French shrugging their shoulders and rolling their eyes) exchange of ideas and opinions, I made another observation. The most captivating woman in the room was not necessarily the most beautiful one or the one carrying the Birkin (now don’t get me wrong, I love a Birkin). She was the one who knew how to use her passion paired with words to charm the audience.
My favorite parts of thiis lovely tranformational narrative:
In France, words are used as play. It’s not just what you say, but how you say it. It didn’t take me long to realize that my direct American-style way of speaking was often viewed as rude (or dull) in a French conversation. The French have a way of adding humor, wit and charm to very serious topics, making it easier to digest.
Conversation is like a dance. Sometimes, you must let others take the lead but always keep up, unless of course, you don’t like the dance.
So, here’s my challenge for you. Begin to weed out all those things you’ve been taught you should know and begin to indulge yourself in what truly inspires you.
First off, Hollywood lied. Marriage isn’t a magical and wonderful union between two people. It’s messy, hard and emotionally challenging hard work. That is why I personally love marriage (and of course my wife). We need to move the away from the social paradigm where people expect marriages to be happy and constantly blissful and instead move towards the work of creating healthy marriages.
Body language affects how others see us, but it may also change how we see ourselves.
Dr. Amy Fuller's insight:
FACINATING ted talk by Amy Cuddy information about how our bodies have the power to change our mind, mood and perception of ourselves and how others perceive us.
Standing with hands on the hips in what she calls the wonder woman pose for 2 minutes can decrease cortisol (stress hormone) and increase testorone (dominance hormone). HT @4afullerlife and Jennifer Christian
Experts in Emotion Series; June Gruber, Yale University In this episode, Dr. June Gruber will speak about Emotions and Relationships with Dr. Margaret Clark ...
School-age children whose mothers nurtured them early in life have brains with a larger hippocampus, a key structure important to learning, memory and response to stress.
The new research, by child psychiatrists and neuroscientists at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis, is the first to show that changes in this critical region of children’s brain anatomy are linked to a mother’s nurturing.
The importance of maternal nurtuing has been long proven for rats and primates, and now we know that children who experience nurturing in their early years have a larger hippocampus, by 10%. This is actually a followup study on a study on depression in preschoolers when they were ages 3 to 5. Brain images of these same children were taken when they were between 7 and 10. They evaluated the degree of maternal nuturance when the children were younger and compared the results to the brain imaging. . This study suggests a clear link between nurturing and the size of the hippocampus.
What's the hippocampus? One of the most important parts of the human brain especially since it sits right in the middle of our animal brain (limbic system) which is involved in managing emotion, threat detection, behavior, motivation and memory. Amy Fuller PhD
Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children. - Alex Haley There is no grandfather who does not adore his ...
Dr. Amy Fuller's insight:
This beautiful post gifts us with images of grandparents working their relational magic from all cultures and with all kinds of children. There is a lovely thought provoking quote about Grandparents between each picture.
I think those of us who aspire to be relationship experts can gleam a lot of knowlegde from how healthy grandparenting relationships shape children's lives for the good. www.amyfullerphd.com
Looking for a reason to stay married? Here it is. These pro-marriage research findings are all in one document. I found it interesting that over five studies "analyzing different populations find that married men
(especially married fathers) have lower testosterone levels than do similar men who never-married or divorced." Of note, co-habitating men had the same results. Apparently being near a woman lowers testosterone.
Dr. Amy Fuller, Marriage & Family Therapist passionate about healing & empowering a fuller life through Relational, Emotional, Mental & Spiritual Health/Growth. www.AmyFullerPhd.com
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This is so good and so true.
Good advice from Professor John Gottman to help strengthen relationships.