Highly empathic parents often think there's something wrong with them. Other people might chide you for being too much of a worry-wart or they may even suggest that you have an anxiety problem. You might wonder why other parents are relaxed and laid-back, while you feel overwhelmed and sometimes even burned out on parenthood.
The good news is that there is nothing wrong with you. In fact, research suggests your children are more likely to grow up both happier and healthier than other children. A new study shows that children of highly empathic parents thrive—they are psychologically and physically healthier and more balanced.
This makes sense. After all, you've created a world for them in which they feel loved, safe, cared for and attended to. And because you are so finely attuned to your child, you're probably selecting the right kinds of foods, environments and experiences to suit their needs and temperament
Children who develop empathy are much less likely to exhibit behavior problems. Take a proactive approach to teaching empathy in your home.
Parenting Strategies that Teach Empathy
Children don’t pick up on empathy skills all on their own. Instead, it’s important to take a proactive approach to helping them learn how to empathize. Here are several strategies that teach empathy:
1. Show your child empathy. If your child is upset, avoid saying things like, “There’s no need to cry,” or “Stop being a baby.” Acknowledge that all feelings are okay while also pointing out the importance of managing her behavior despite those feelings. A child who feels like others have empathy for her will be more able to show empathy for others.
2. Teach your child about feelings. Children need to develop the ability to verbalize and understanding their feelings. Start teaching your child simple feeling words early and make emotions a frequent topic of conversation as your child grows. Continue teaching more complex feelings as your child’s ability to understand emotions increases.
3. Create opportunities to talk about other people’s
Of course we want our children to become good, responsible, respectful and successful human beings! But in our quest to “do it all” we may forget that some of the most powerful ways to help our children aren’t in the things we buy but in the simple things we say. Example is everything. In fact, the Greek philosopher, Aristotle, years ago said that the best way to teach character is by modeling good example. (I swear kids come with video recorders planted inside their heads and we know it when they play us back at the most inopportune moments–usually when the relatives arrive)...
Here are just 50 things to say to boost our own example to our kids so we become the model we hope they copy. Our children need role models. Let them look to us!
How to Teach Empathy Early childhood educators can promote the child's development of empathy by using a variety of strategies during normal daily activities.
Model Caring Behaviors. One of the best ways to promote empathy is to model empathetic caring. Talk about your feelings for others and how you share their joys, sorrows, pain, or delights. Tell children when you are excited for them or when you feel sorry that they are unhappy.
Name Emotions. Help children give names to their emotions. Most preschoolers can use the terms happy and sad, but are at a loss to describe their emotions precisely. Introduce feeling words such as lonely, frustrated, frightened, joyful, shocked, proud, discouraged, hopeful, unwanted, contented, anxious, or delighted as you read about story characters or simply live through daily events.
A new book called “UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed In Our All-About-Me World” by Michele Borba makes a strong case for empathy as a tool that can be taught to kids, positioning them for success.
“[Empathy], the trait that allows us to feel with others, has the reputation of being ‘touchy-feely,’ but new research reveals that empathy is far from ‘soft,’ and it plays a surprising role in predicting kids’ happiness and success,” writes Borba. “The problem is that empathy is widely underestimated by moms and dads, as well as the general public, so it’s low on most child-rearing agendas.”
There are dozens of ways to use literature and movies to cultivate children’s empathy, open their hearts to care about others, as well as to expand their cognitive development and enhance academic achievement.
A big secret to cultivating this habit is to make the activity fun as well as meaningful to children while matching material to their abilities and interests.
Do ask your child every once in a while: “When’s the last time you read a great book?” If your son or daughter has a blank look, then you know you need to work harder to make reading pleasurable. From my book UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World, here are a few ways to instill a love of reading in our kids.
Less testosterone may make them more empathic and less aggressive, which may make them better fathers.
This new information on hormonal changes in men comes from a study I conducted with graduate student Patty Kuo at the University of Michigan. It provides a window into men’s parenting, and it may help them become more nurturing fathers.
In both mothers and fathers, the sound of a crying baby can trigger a series of emotional responses, from empathy, to annoyance, to aggravation. The best response is empathy, as aggravation can lead to aggressive behaviors that put the child at risk.
We found that when the men saw their infants in distress and their testosterone declined, they were more nurturing and sensitive fathers when they had to interact with their infants.
We also found that when fathers described themselves as empathetic and when they reported having a loving relationship with the infant’s mother, they were more sensitive fathers.
"Empathy is not an inborn trait," Borba writes. "Empathy is a quality that can be taught — in fact, it's a quality that must be taught, by parents, by educators and by those in a child's community. And what's more, it's a talent that kids can cultivate and improve, like riding a bike or learning a foreign language."
Borba is speaking Wednesday at Glenbard South High School, and I spoke with her in advance of her appearance. The following is an edited transcript.
Q: What role does empathy, or a lack of empathy, play in the Orlando tragedy and our reactions to it?
A: It plays a huge role. What is my biggest concern when I start to see empathy wane? It's Orlando. It's Stanford. It's any number of scathing examples of what happens when we attach otherness to another human being and completely dehumanize them.
Q: So a person without empathy has no concern for how he or she is treating the people they've dehumanized?..
As much as we would like to think otherwise, we live in a self-absorbed world. And shockingly children, perhaps because of prevailing “all-about-me” attitudes, are 40 percent less empathetic than they were thirty years ago.
“Selfies” dominate our culture, and the stress caused by the drive to succeed undermines the development of empathy—the habit that actually gives children an edge or what Michele Borba, Ed. D. calls the “Empathy Advantage.”
In her new book, UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World, she explains that empathy is the key to children’s happiness, well-being and success—right now and later as grownups. Empathy can be learned and Dr. Borba explains exactly how parents—and educators—can and should be the teachers.
Did you know that when a bystander decides to step in on behalf of a peer that is being harassed, 57 percent of the time the bullying is stopped within 10 seconds? Yet in most cases only 19 percent of bystanders will get involved in helping a friend or peer.
Why? Educational psychologist and renown parenting and bullying prevention expert, Dr. Michele Borba, reveals in her twenty-fourth book, UnSelfie, Why Empathic Kids Succeed In Our All-About-Me World that teens today are 40 percent less empathic than those of thirty years ago and narcissism are increased by 58 percent. She points out that as “empathy wanes, bullying can rise, and tormentors begin to see victims as “objects,” not human beings.”
The good news is, as Dr. Borba shares, “Empathy is a trait that can be taught and nurtured. And so can moral courage. Empathy and courage are a powerful combo to solve the bullying crisis.”
But something more is at stake: our children’s empathy and emotional intelligence. As I researched and wrote, UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World I was struck staggering statistics that show a forty percent drop in our children’s empathy levels within the last thirty years. And interestedly is that the biggest dip happened around the year 2000-about the same time computers, Tablets, Smartphones, and all the rest became central in our children’s lives.
Yes, technology is taking giant leaps forward in so many ways as a society, but let’s remember that the cornerstone of humanity is empathy. Empathy is the seeds of compassion, courage, collaboration and all those traits that help our children grow to be good people.
And most effective way for our children to learn empathy is always face to face. You don’t learn empathy facing screens.
Learn these simple steps and more in my book UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World.
Model calmness. Your child’s best template for learning self-regulation is you. So how do you act in front of your kids after a hard day? When you’re driving with your children and another car cuts in front of you? When the bank says you’re overdrawn? Your kids are watching, so make sure your behavior is what you want them to copy...
Tune in to your child. How does your child handle stress? If he has a stressful experience or sees another in distress does he:...
Identify body alarms...
Create a quiet space...Find a place to help your family decompress...
Make a Stress Box. My friends at the Thompson Child and Family Focus developed a Stress Box to teach students self-regulation....
Teach a self-regulation strategy. Each child needs a calming strategy that works for him....
How Parents can Encourage Emotional Intelligence and Empathy in Their Children
While some people mistakenly believe that empathy is something we are born with and therefore either naturally have or don't have, the fact is that it is a skill that can be taught. Here are some ways parents can try teaching empathy and boost their child's emotional intelligence.
Make sure your child's own emotional needs are met. In order for a child to be able to feel and express empathy for someone else, her own emotional needs must first be met. She must be able to count on her parents and caregivers to provide emotional support before she can provide it to someone else.
Teach your child how to cope with negative emotions....
Ask, "How would you feel?...
Name that feeling...
Talk about positive and negative behaviors around you. ...
empathy expands a person’s horizons and deepens their knowledge of the world, other people, and themselves.
Developing empathy and expressivity can take time Kids come to their emotions in different ways and on their own timetables, and we must be understanding of that.
Empathy, like many other psychological traits, arises slowly, over the course of years, and not all children will move at the same pace. Science shows that our prefrontal cortex, responsible for personality development and other tasks, doesn’t finish developing until our mid-twenties. I believe that it’s only since becoming a father that I’ve begun to approach my own potential for emotional maturity, especially in regards to compassion and empathy.
RESEARCHERS HAVE ALSO FOUND THAT KIDS WHOSE PARENTS NEGLECT TO COMFORT THEM DURING TIMES OF DISTRESS FIND IT DIFFICULT TO DISPLAY EMPATHY AND BEHAVE IN A ‘SOCIALLY COMPETENT MANNER.’
It’s not hard to see why.
Studies have shown that the single most influential factor in determining whether a child will be empathetic or not is the attitude of their parents.
If a child has their suffering met with indifference and coldness, guess how they’re going to respond to the distress of those around them?
That is arguably the most damage issue with ‘tough love’ parenting – it strips children of their empathy by communicating that the way to solve problems is by being harsh instead of comforting.
Conversely, research has shown that when a child’s emotional needs are met in a nurturing fashion at home they are better equipped with a strong sense of empathy.
Educational psychologist and author, Michele Borba, shares her decade-long journey to discover how to optimize human potential. Surprisingly, it was children from Canada to Rwanda who offered the three best ideas to cultivate empathy. The best news: if applying those simple strategies together we can revolutionize society and build the best investment for our future: human capital.
Michele Borba, Ed.D. is an internationally renowned educator, award-winning author, and parenting, child and bullying expert recognized for her solution-based strategies to strengthen children’s empathy and social-emotional intelligence and character, and reduce peer cruelty.
Based on our study, we believe the fathers’ empathy and declining testosterone level shaped how they responded.
For example, if fathers interpret infant crying as a means of communicating distress and empathize with the infant, they will experience a decline in testosterone. This, in turn, facilitates a nurturing response.
Alternatively, when fathers interpret their infant’s crying as aggravating and feel they are unable to comfort the infant, they may experience increases in testosterone, which facilitates an intrusive or negative response. Intervention efforts can be directed at helping fathers comfort their crying infants in a calming manner.
According to an article in The Atlantic, some schools are using dance as a vehicle for teaching students social-emotional skills such as empathy.
In the article written by Audrey Cleo Yap, “studies have shown the cognitive benefits students experience through being exposed to dance and other art forms,” however complex human qualities, like empathy, are hard to quantify. Anecdotal evidence from teachers and principals suggest that dance improves acceptance, cooperation, and collaboration among students, but more research is needed to understand the correlation between dance and emotional intelligence.
Our kids, however, may be missing out on those powerful moments because there is an empathy crisis among today's youth, as Borba explains in her new book UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World. She cites a study from the University of Michigan finding that empathy has decreased by 40% and narcissism has increased by 58% in incoming college freshmen over the past three decades.
Why is teaching kids empathy so important?
Empathy boosts resilience. It is the key to forming the healthy relationships that impact our kids' mental health. And empathy is and will be a key skill in the job market. Employers are looking for people who can connect with their clients, really understand the needs of consumers, and relate well to coworkers, bosses, and others in the workplace.
Of course we want our kids to be compassionate and sensitive to other people’s feelings. The problem is that many kids’ “empathy potential” is greatly handicapped because they don’t have the ability to identify and express emotions.
They have tremendous difficulty feeling for the other person simply because they may not recognize the other person’s hurt, elation, discomfort, anxiety, pride, happiness, or anger.
What these kids need is an education that provides stronger emotional intelligence: an adequate vocabulary of feelings and then the encouragement to use it. Once kids are more emotionally literate and can understand their own feelings their empathy will grow, because they will be far more capable of understanding and feeling other people’s concerns and needs.
New research reveals that empathy is far from "soft," and it plays a surprising role in predicting kids' happiness and success.
"What do kids really need to be happy and successful?"
Hundreds of parents have asked me the question, and my response surprises most. "Empathy" is my answer. The trait that allows us to feel with others has the reputation of being "touchy-feely," but new research reveals that empathy is far from "soft," and it plays a surprising role in predicting kids' happiness and success.
The problem is that empathy is widely underestimated by moms and dads, as well as the general public, so it's low on most child-rearing agendas.
1. Be an emotion coach....
2. Use the 'Two Kind Rule.'...
3. Talk feelings....
4. Capture caring moments...
5. Teach: 'Always look at the color of the talker's eyes.'...
Why? Why was Michele so quick to help? Quite simply, it is because Michele is one of the most empathetic people I have ever met. She is focused not on herself but on how she can help others.
So, it came as no surprise that Michele has synthesized her life’s work in a masterful new book called Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed In Our All-About-Me World.
Michele has traveled far and wide to study practices of empathy and the horrific results of a lack of empathy. Among other places, she visited an amazing camp that brings together young Palestinians and young Israelis, with the goal of teaching them to see each other as human beings instead of as stereotypes. In Unselfie, she shared the following conversation from her visit to this camp:
In our age of narcissism, a new book offers research-based tips for encouraging children to be empathic.
We live in the age of the selfie—the ubiquitous symbol of narcissism.
But this focus on the self to the exclusion of others is harmful to our children, according to Michele Borba, author of the new book UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World. More than the photos themselves, the idea behind them—that we are the center of our world—is the problem, reflecting a decreased focus on others and a lack of empathy.
According to Borba, low levels of empathy are rampant in our culture, and in kids that’s associated with bullying, cheating, weak moral reasoning, and mental health issues, like anxiety and depression. Her book is a call to parents, teachers, and other caring adults to help encourage children to develop empathy and generosity toward others, and it’s full of research-based tips on how to do so....
Empathy is the ability to feel with another human being. And we're getting worse at it. Parenting expert Dr. Michele Borba, Ed.D., explains how you can help your child learn to be more empathetic.
Fortunately, empathy can be taught and cultivated. But we have to put our phones down to do it. "Empathy starts with face-to-face interaction," Dr. Borba said. Here, her top tips for helping your kid care more:
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