Connection

When emotional intelligence (EQ) first appeared to the masses, it served as the missing link in a peculiar finding: people with average IQs outperform those with the highest IQs 70% of the time. This anomaly threw a massive wrench into the broadly held assumption that IQ was the sole source of success.

Decades of research now point to emotional intelligence as being the critical factor that sets star performers apart from the rest of the pack. The connection is so strong that 90% of top performers have high emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is the “something” in each of us that is a bit intangible. It affects how we manage behavior, navigate social complexities, and make personal decisions to achieve positive results.

Despite the significance of EQ, its intangible nature makes it very difficult to know how much you have and what you can do to improve if you’re lacking. You can always take a scientifically validated test, such as the one that comes with theEmotional Intelligence 2.0 book.

Unfortunately, quality (scientifically valid) EQ tests aren’t free. So, I’ve analyzed the data from the million-plus people TalentSmart has tested in order to identify the behaviors that are the hallmarks of a high EQ. What follows are sure signs that you have a high EQ.

You Have a Robust Emotional Vocabulary

All people experience emotions, but it is a select few who can accurately identify them as they occur. Our research shows that only 36% of people can do this, which is problematic because unlabeled emotions often go misunderstood, which leads to irrational choices and counterproductive actions.

People with high EQs master their emotions because they understand them, and they use an extensive vocabulary of feelings to do so. While many people might describe themselves as simply feeling “bad,” emotionally intelligent people can pinpoint whether they feel “irritable,” “frustrated,” “downtrodden,” or “anxious.” The more specific your word choice, the better insight you have into exactly how you are feeling, what caused it, and what you should do about it.

You’re Curious about People

It doesn’t matter if they’re introverted or extroverted, emotionally intelligent people are curious about everyone around them. This curiosity is the product of empathy, one of the most significant gateways to a high EQ. The more you care about other people and what they’re going through, the more curiosity you’re going to have about them.

You Embrace Change

Emotionally intelligent people are flexible and are constantly adapting. They know that fear of change is paralyzing and a major threat to their success and happiness. They look for change that is lurking just around the corner, and they form a plan of action should these changes occur.

You Know Your Strengths and Weaknesses

Emotionally intelligent people don’t just understand emotions; they know what they’re good at and what they’re terrible at. They also know who pushes their buttons and the environments (both situations and people) that enable them to succeed. Having a high EQ means you know your strengths and you know how to lean into them and use them to your full advantage while keeping your weaknesses from holding you back.

You’re a Good Judge of Character

Much of emotional intelligence comes down to social awareness; the ability to read other people, know what they’re about, and understand what they're going through. Over time, this skill makes you an exceptional judge of character. People are no mystery to you. You know what they’re all about and understand their motivations, even those that lie hidden beneath the surface.

You Are Difficult to Offend

If you have a firm grasp of whom you are, it’s difficult for someone to say or do something that gets your goat. Emotionally intelligent people are self-confident and open-minded, which creates a pretty thick skin. You may even poke fun at yourself or let other people make jokes about you because you are able to mentally draw the line between humor and degradation.

You Know How to Say No (to Yourself and Others)

Emotional intelligence means knowing how to exert self-control. You delay gratification, and you avoid impulsive action. Research conducted at the University of California, San Francisco, shows that the more difficulty that you have saying no, the more likely you are to experience stress, burnout, and even depression. Saying no is indeed a major self-control challenge for many people. “No” is a powerful word that you should not be afraid to wield. When it’s time to say no, emotionally intelligent people avoid phrases such as “I don’t think I can” or “I’m not certain.” Saying no to a new commitment honors your existing commitments and gives you the opportunity to successfully fulfill them.

You Let Go of Mistakes

Emotionally intelligent people distance themselves from their mistakes, but do so without forgetting them. By keeping their mistakes at a safe distance, yet still handy enough to refer to, they are able to adapt and adjust for future success. It takes refined self-awareness to walk this tightrope between dwelling and remembering. Dwelling too long on your mistakes makes you anxious and gun shy, while forgetting about them completely makes you bound to repeat them. The key to balance lies in your ability to transform failures into nuggets of improvement. This creates the tendency to get right back up every time you fall down.

You Give and Expect Nothing in Return

When someone gives you something spontaneously, without expecting anything in return, this leaves a powerful impression. For example, you might have an interesting conversation with someone about a book, and when you see them again a month later, you show up with the book in hand. Emotionally intelligent people build strong relationships because they are constantly thinking about others.

You Don’t Hold Grudges

The negative emotions that come with holding onto a grudge are actually a stress response. Just thinking about the event sends your body into fight-or-flight mode, a survival mechanism that forces you to stand up and fight or run for the hills when faced with a threat. When the threat is imminent, this reaction is essential to your survival, but when the threat is ancient history, holding onto that stress wreaks havoc on your body and can have devastating health consequences over time. In fact, researchers at Emory University have shown that holding onto stress contributes to high blood pressure and heart disease. Holding onto a grudge means you’re holding onto stress, and emotionally intelligent people know to avoid this at all costs. Letting go of a grudge not only makes you feel better now but can also improve your health.

You Neutralize Toxic People

Dealing with difficult people is frustrating and exhausting for most. High EQ individuals control their interactions with toxic people by keeping their feelings in check. When they need to confront a toxic person, they approach the situation rationally. They identify their own emotions and don’t allow anger or frustration to fuel the chaos. They also consider the difficult person’s standpoint and are able to find solutions and common ground. Even when things completely derail, emotionally intelligent people are able to take the toxic person with a grain of salt to avoid letting him or her bring them down.

You Don’t Seek Perfection

Emotionally intelligent people won’t set perfection as their target because they know that it doesn’t exist. Human beings, by our very nature, are fallible. When perfection is your goal, you’re always left with a nagging sense of failure that makes you want to give up or reduce your effort. You end up spending your time lamenting what you failed to accomplish and what you should have done differently instead of moving forward, excited about what you've achieved and what you will accomplish in the future.

You Appreciate What You Have

Taking time to contemplate what you’re grateful for isn’t merely the right thing to do; it also improves your mood because it reduces the stress hormone cortisol by 23%. Research conducted at the University of California, Davis, found that people who worked daily to cultivate an attitude of gratitude experienced improved mood, energy, and physical well-being. It’s likely that lower levels of cortisol played a major role in this.

You Disconnect

Taking regular time off the grid is a sign of a high EQ because it helps you to keep your stress under control and to live in the moment. When you make yourself available to your work 24/7, you expose yourself to a constant barrage of stressors. Forcing yourself offline and even—gulp!—turning off your phone gives your body and mind a break. Studies have shown that something as simple as an e-mail break can lower stress levels. Technology enables constant communication and the expectation that you should be available 24/7. It is extremely difficult to enjoy a stress-free moment outside of work when an e-mail that will change your train of thought and get you thinking (read: stressing) about work can drop onto your phone at any moment.

You Limit Your Caffeine Intake

Drinking excessive amounts of caffeine triggers the release of adrenaline, and adrenaline is the source of the fight-or-flight response. The fight-or-flight mechanism sidesteps rational thinking in favor of a faster response to ensure survival. This is great when a bear is chasing you, but not so great when you’re responding to a curt e-mail. When caffeine puts your brain and body into this hyper-aroused state of stress, your emotions overrun your behavior. Caffeine’s long half-life ensures you stay this way as it takes its sweet time working its way out of your body. High-EQ individuals know that caffeine is trouble, and they don’t let it get the better of them.

You Get Enough Sleep

It’s difficult to overstate the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, shuffling through the day’s memories and storing or discarding them (which causes dreams) so that you wake up alert and clearheaded. High-EQ individuals know that their self-control, attention, and memory are all reduced when they don’t get enough—or the right kind—of sleep. So, they make sleep a top priority.

You Stop Negative Self-Talk in Its Tracks

The more you ruminate on negative thoughts, the more power you give them. Most of our negative thoughts are just that—thoughts, not facts. When it feels like something always or never happens, this is just your brain’s natural tendency to perceive threats (inflating the frequency or severity of an event). Emotionally intelligent people separate their thoughts from the facts in order to escape the cycle of negativity and move toward a positive, new outlook.

You Won’t Let Anyone Limit Your Joy

When your sense of pleasure and satisfaction are derived from the opinions of other people, you are no longer the master of your own happiness. When emotionally intelligent people feel good about something that they’ve done, they won’t let anyone’s opinions or snide remarks take that away from them. While it’s impossible to turn off your reactions to what others think of you, you don’t have to compare yourself to others, and you can always take people’s opinions with a grain of salt. That way, no matter what other people are thinking or doing, your self-worth comes from within.

There are certain things all bosses dread to hear. “I lost the account,” “There’s a big mistake,” and “I think the building is on fire,” would all qualify, but I’m talking about sentences that may seem innocuous to you, but can be a big deal to your boss.

Consider each of these sentences — and how you can turn them around to stay on your boss’ good side.

1. “Are you sure you want to do that…?”
   You don’t want to come across as teaching your boss something he or she already knows. Tread carefully when schooling your boss on anything. If you feel you have to say something, approach the topic with the assumption that your boss may have overlooked or forgotten something — not that he doesn’t know how to do his job.
2. “Did you see what so-and-so just did? She is just so hard to work with!”
   Save the interpersonal drama for your friends and family members, because your boss doesn’t want to hear about it. He certainly doesn’t want you to be a tattle-tale, and he doesn’t want to know about how much you dislike your coworkers. Unless someone you work with has made a major violation of company policy, or a big mistake in their work, keep your personal grievances, well, personal.
3. “I didn’t want to bother you in case the problem worked itself out…”
   Chances are, if you’re saying this sentence, something has gone horribly wrong, and your boss didn’t see it coming, because you didn’t give her the heads up. Most bosses would much rather know about potential problemsbefore they happen than get blind-sided and have to play catch up. When alerting your boss to a potential problem, be sure to include what you’re doing to prevent it.
4. “If you don’t do this, I’m going to quit!”
   Ultimatums are a bad idea in pretty much every situation, but especially when it comes to talking to your boss. Are you sure you’re as irreplaceable as you think you are? Besides the fact that it comes off sounding juvenile, it might make your boss choose the nuclear option and decide you’re not worth the alternative. It’s fine to draw a line in your mind — if you need to quit, you need to quit — but don’t threaten.
5. “As a Millennial…” or “People in my generation…”
   Yes, he gets it: you’re younger than he is. But chances are, your boss doesn’t want to be reminded of his age — or yours. Unless you’re specifically asked your opinion as a younger person, don’t bring up your age or generation. If you’re suggesting a change, couch it in terms of how it will benefit the company, not just the Millennials.
6. “That can’t be done.”
   If your boss wants something to be done, she doesn’t want to hear that it can’tbe done. Plus, saying that something can’t be done is an easy way out. Instead, focus on what you can do to make it happen — research, experimentation, brainstorming new ideas, and so on.
7. “I need a raise.”
   To be clear, you should absolutely ask for a pay rise when you feel you deserve one, but be careful how you phrase your request. Nearly everyone would like more money, so instead of saying you “need” one, start by outlining your value to the company, your accomplishments, and responsibilities. Your goal should be making your boss want to give you a raise!

These are some of my pet peeves, but I bet you have your own. What sentences would you add to the list? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

Bad bosses contaminate the workplace. Some do so obliviously, while others smugly manipulate their employees, using them as instruments of their own success. Regardless of their methods, bad bosses cause irrevocable damage to their companies and employees by hindering performance and creating unnecessary stress.

The stress your boss causes is bad for your health. Multiple studies have found that working for a bad boss increases your chance of having a heart attack by as much as 50%.

Even more troubling is the number of bad bosses out there. Gallup research found that 60% of government workers are miserable because of bad bosses. In another study 69% of US workers compared bosses with too much power to toddlers with too much power.

The comparisons don’t stop there. Significant percentages of US workers describe their bosses as follows:

• Self-oriented (60%)
• Stubborn (49%)
• Overly demanding (43%)
• Impulsive (41%)
• Interruptive (39%)

Most bosses aren’t surprised by these statistics. A DDI study found that 64% of managers admit that they need to work on their management skills. When asked where they should focus their efforts, managers overwhelmingly say, “Bringing in the numbers”; yet, they are most often fired for poor people skills.

TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we’ve found that 90% of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control. One of their greatest gifts is the ability to neutralize toxic people—even those they report to. This is no easy task. It requires a great deal of emotional intelligence, a skill that top performers rely on.

While the best option when you have a bad boss is to seek other employment, this isn’t always possible. Successful people know how to make the most of a bad situation. A bad boss doesn’t deter them because they understand that success is simply the product of how well you can play the hand you’ve been dealt. When that “hand” is a bad boss, successful people identify the type of bad boss they are working for and then use this information to neutralize their boss’ behavior. What follows are six of the most common types of bad bosses and the strategies that successful people employ to work effectively with them.

The Inappropriate Buddy

This is the boss who’s too friendly, and not in the fun, team-building sort of way. He is constantly inviting you to hang out outside of work and engages in unnecessary office gossip. He uses his influence to make friends at the expense of his work. He chooses favorites and creates divisions among employees, who become frustrated by the imbalance in attention and respect. He can’t make tough decisions involving employees or even fire those who need to be fired (unless he doesn’t like them). His office quickly becomes The Office.

How to neutralize an inappropriate buddy: The most important thing to do with this type of boss is to learn to set firm boundaries. Don’t allow his position to intimidate you. By consciously and proactively establishing a boundary, you can take control of the situation. For example, you can remain friendly with your boss throughout the day but still not be afraid to say no to drinks after work. The difficult part here is maintaining consistency with your boundaries, even if your boss is persistent. By distancing yourself from his behaviors that you deem inappropriate, you will still be able to succeed and even have a healthy relationship with your boss.

It’s important you don’t put up unnecessary boundaries that stop you from being seen as friendly (ideally, a friend). Instead of trying to change the crowd-pleaser and force him to be something he’s not, having him see you as an ally will put you in a stronger position than you could have anticipated.

The Micromanager

This is the boss who makes you feel as if you are under constant surveillance. She thought your handwriting could use improvement, so she waited until you left work at 7:00 p.m. to throw away your pencils and replace them with the .9 lead mechanical pencils that have the “proper grip.” She has even handed back your 20-page report because you used a binder clip instead of a staple. The micromanager pays too much attention to small details, and her constant hovering makes employees feel discouraged, frustrated, and even uncomfortable.

How to neutralize a micromanager: Successful people appeal to micromanagers by proving themselves to be flexible, competent, and disciplined while staying in constant communication. A micromanager is naturally drawn to the employee who produces work the way she envisions. The challenge with the micromanager is grasping the “envisioned way.” To do this, try asking specific questions about your project, check in frequently, and look for trends in the micromanager’s feedback.

Of course, this will not always work. Some micromanagers will never stop searching for something to over-analyze and micromanage. When this is the case, you must learn to derive your sense of satisfaction from within. Don’t allow your boss’ obsession with details to create feelings of inadequacy as this will only lead to further stress and underperformance. Remember, a good report without a staple is still a good report. Despite your boss’ fixation on detail, she appreciates your work; she just doesn’t know how to show it.

The Tyrant

The tyrant resorts to Machiavellian tactics and constantly makes decisions that feed his ego. His primary concern is maintaining power, and he will coerce and intimidate others to do so. The tyrant thinks of his employees as a criminal gang aboard his ship. He classifies people in his mind and treats them accordingly: High achievers who challenge his thinking are treated as mutinous. Those who support their achievements with gestures of loyalty find themselves in the position of first mate. Those who perform poorly are stuck cleaning the latrines and swabbing the decks.

How to neutralize a tyrant: A painful but effective strategy with the tyrant is to present your ideas in a way that allows him to take partial credit. The tyrant can then maintain his ego without having to shut down your idea. Always be quick to give him some credit, even though he is unlikely to reciprocate, because this will inevitably put you on his good side. Also, to survive a tyrant, you must choose your battles wisely. If you practice self-awareness and manage your emotions, you can rationally choose which battles are worth fighting and which ones you should just let go. This way, you won’t find yourself on latrine duty.

The Incompetent

This boss was promoted hastily or hired haphazardly and holds a position that is beyond her capabilities. Most likely, she is not completely incompetent, but she has people who report to her that have been at the company a lot longer and have information and skills that she lacks.

How to neutralize an incompetent: If you find yourself frustrated with this type of boss, it is likely because you have experience that she lacks. It is important to swallow your pride and share your experience and knowledge, without rubbing it in her face. Share the information that this boss needs to grow into her role, and you’ll become her ally and confidant.

The Robot

In the mind of the robot, you are employee number 72 with a production yield of 84 percent and experience level 91. This boss makes decisions based on the numbers, and when he’s forced to reach a conclusion without the proper data, he self-destructs. He makes little or no effort to connect with his employees, and instead, looks solely to the numbers to decide who is invaluable and who needs to go.

How to neutralize a robot: To succeed with a robot, you need to speak his language. When you have an idea, make certain you have the data to back it up. The same goes with your performance—you need to know what he values and be able to show it to him if you want to prove your worth. Once you’ve accomplished this, you can begin trying to nudge him out of his antisocial comfort zone. The trick is to find ways to connect with him directly, without being pushy or rude. Schedule face-to-face meetings and respond to some of his e-mails by knocking on his door. Forcing him to connect with you as a person, however so slightly, will make you more than a list of numbers and put a face to your name. Just because he’s all about the numbers, it doesn’t mean you can’t make yourself the exception. Do so in small doses, however, because he’s unlikely to respond well to the overbearing social type.

The Visionary

Her strength lies in her ideas and innovations. However, this entrepreneurial approach becomes dangerous when a plan or solution needs to be implemented, and she can’t bring herself to focus on the task at hand. When the time comes to execute her vision, she’s already off onto the next idea, and you’re left to figure things out on your own.

How to neutralize a visionary: To best deal with this type, reverse her train of thought. She naturally takes a broad perspective, so be quick to funnel things down into something smaller and more practical. To do so, ask a lot of specific questions that force her to rationally approach the issue and to consider potential obstacles to executing her broad ideas. Don’t refute her ideas directly, or she will feel criticized; instead, focus her attention on what it will take to realistically implement her plan. Oftentimes, your questions will diffuse her plan, and when they don’t, they’ll get her to understand—and commit to—the effort it’s going to take on her part to help make it happen.

The Seagull

We’ve all been there—sitting in the shadow of a seagull manager who decided it was time to roll up his sleeves, swoop in, and squawk up a storm. Instead of taking the time to get the facts straight and work alongside the team to realize a viable solution, the seagull deposits steaming piles of formulaic advice and then abruptly takes off, leaving everyone else behind to clean up the mess. Seagulls interact with their employees only when there’s a fire to put out. Even then, they move in and out so hastily—and put so little thought into their approach—that they make bad situations worse by frustrating and alienating those who need them the most.

How to neutralize a seagull: A group approach works best with seagulls. If you can get the entire team to sit down with him and explain that his abrupt approach to solving problems makes it extremely difficult for everyone to perform at their best, this message is likely to be heard. If the entire group bands together and provides constructive, non-threatening feedback, the seagull will more often than not find a better way to work with his team. It’s easy to spot a seagull when you’re on the receiving end of their airborne dumps, but the manager doing the squawking is often unaware of the negative impact of his behavior. Have the group give him a little nudge, and things are bound to change for the better.

Bringing It All Together

If you think these strategies might help others, please share this article with your network. Research suggests that roughly half of them are currently working for a bad boss.

Most people think of the stereotypical leader as someone who is confident, charismatic, outgoing, and larger-than-life.

But what about the introvert? Can introverts make great leaders?

Jessica Stillman tackles this question in a great article in Inc.com called 7 Reasons Introverts Make Great Leaders. In the article, she warns about being seduced by charisma and overlooking more quiet individuals.

She explains that, “introverted personality types come equipped with significant leadership advantages.” Her seven reasons make a lot of sense:

1. They’re better listeners
2. They’re better prepared
3. They go deep
4. They don’t mind solitude
5. They keep their cool
6. They don’t settle
7. They write more

In fact, this is exactly what Jim Collins found when researching his landmark business book, Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap…And Others Don’t. In that book, Jim and his team researched 1,500 companies and identified 11 that made the leap from being good companies to ones that outpaced the market for a significant time.

In working to determine all the factors that led to these remarkable transformations, he discovered something unique in the leadership traits of their CEOs. 'They were not the charismatic, outgoing types but had quiet, almost shy, personalities.'

This “paradoxical combination of personal humility and professional will,” which he called Level 5 Leadership, was always present in the CEOs of companies that made the leap to a great company.

As I wrote in a previous article, What Level is your Leadership?, there is extensive evidence that charismatic, extroverted CEOs have the ability to improve their companies in the short-term, but long-term transformation only occurs with a Level 5 Leader at the helm.

Jim explained Level 5 Leadership in greater detail in an HBR article called Level 5 Leadership: The Triumph of Humility and Fierce Resolve. The leadership qualities of personal humility and professional will he called the “yin and yang” of Level 5 Leadership.

• They are modest, shunning public adulation; never boastful.
• They act with quiet, calm determination; relying principally on inspired standards, not inspiring charisma, to motivate.
• They channel their ambition into the company, not themselves; they set up successors for even more greatness in the next generation.
• They look in the mirror, not out the window, to apportion responsibility for poor results, never blaming other people, external factors, or bad luck.

• They demonstrate an unwavering resolve to do whatever must be done to produce the best long-term results, no matter how difficult.
• They create superb results and are the clear catalyst in the transition from good to great.
• They set the standard of building an enduring great company; they will settle for nothing less.
• They look out the window, not in the mirror, to apportion credit for the success of the company—to other people, external factors, and even good luck.

While I still believe leaders come in all shapes and sizes, there is an argument to be made for the introverted leader. Introverted leaders come equipped with significant leadership advantages and, if combined with a deep relentless will to succeed, they can lead companies to remarkable transformations.

So, what do you think? Is the stereotypical model of the charismatic leader wrong? Are we ignoring more introverted employees as potential leaders? Are there times when organizations need an extroverted leader and times when an introverted leader is needed?

IT'S ONE THING TO SAY YOU'RE COMMITTED TO DIVERSITY IN TECH, IT'S ANOTHER TO MAKE ACTIONABLE STEPS. HERE ARE 10.

Our thoughts are more powerful than we realize, governing our expectations, our interactions, and ultimately our ability to be successful.

It's easy for delusions and lies to take root and grow, and left unchecked, they can do serious harm.

Do any of these sound familiar?

Even if perfection were achievable, it's not a healthy goal; as we discussed here not long ago, perfectionism can hold you back. Remember that mistakes are part of being human--and sometimes they're our most valuable teachers.

Everyone faces difficulty and crisis. It is in dealing with every challenge, problem, anddifficulty that we are able to learn and grow.

Procrastination, magical thinking, and rescue fantasies may help us avoid hard truths for a while. But reality always catches up, and the longer you wait the worse it becomes.

I recently wrote about accomplishing great things at any age. At 5, Mozart was already competent on keyboard and violin, and at 76, Nelson Mandela became president of South Africa. The truth is you are never too young or too old.

There will always be difficulties, but we determine how we handle them. Remember, happiness is not something we are; it is something we become through our choices.

We all judge people. Researchers say we arrive at our first conclusion in less than a second. In some cases, it's ourselves whom we're judging, seeing how we measure up and fit in.

Following your heart is good, but it should never override intellect and intuition. Aim for balance.

We always have a choice. It's easy to blame others, or fate, for our outcomes, but accepting responsibility for yourself and your actions is an essential part of your humanity.

No single facet of your life determines your worth. It's spoken in every action and word you undertake. It's who you are.

At worst, lying to ourselves can destroy us. At best, it can make life more difficult.

Let's really think about it.

What lies do you tell yourself or see others telling themselves?

How can you counteract them?

Some of our inner beliefs can trigger failure before it happens. They sabotage change by cancelling its possibility! Discover how to recognize these sabotaging beliefs and learn what you can do about them. 

I’m sure you’ve met him, or her. That person who says he’ll finish the project tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes. Or the person who promises to call as soon as she gets home, but you never hear from her.

We know lots of people like this. If we’re a hard case, we cut them out of our lives. If we’re a “softie”, we make excuses, and try to let it go. Either way, these people, who make promises to change one day and excuses not to the next, exist.

And, we may have even done this ourselves! I know I have. For those of us who admit to it, we know our genius becomes more acute when it’s our turn to change how we behave. That’s when we fall back on a set of beliefs that trigger denial, resistance, and ultimately self-delusion. These beliefs are more wicked than excuses. An excuse is the handy explanation we offer when we disappoint other people. It is acute and convenient, often made up on the spot. Basically an excuse is a variation on “The dog ate my homework,” and these are so abused it’s a wonder anyone believes them.

What do we call the excuses we privately harbor when we disappoint ourselves? Mere “excuse” is somehow inadequate to describe these inner beliefs that represent how we interpret our world. An excuse explains why we fell short of expectations after the fact. Our inner beliefs trigger failure before it happens. They sabotage change by cancelling its possibility. We employ these beliefs as articles of faith to justify our inaction and then wish away the result. I call them belief triggers and we think them all day long. Here’s a not-extensive list, but it should get you started on where I’m going with this.

1. I am the same ‘me’
The person who promised to change yesterday is not the same person who has to execute that change today. We make promises to ourselves and others today that we cannot keep tomorrow. This is a most illusory belief – because it triggers over-confidence in our ability to execute our plan.

2. If I change I am ‘inauthentic’
We refuse to adapt our behavior to new situations because “it isn’t me.” This belief triggers stubbornness.

3. I won’t get tired
When we intend to work long hours, we’re not exhausted. But after we work several hours we become tired and are eager to throw in the towel. It’s the same with changing our ways – we grow tired with the effort it takes to change. This triggers depletion.

4. I understand the requirements
People who read my writing often tell me, “It’s common sense. I didn’t read anything here that I don’t already know.” True, but there’s a difference between understanding and doing. Just because people understand what to do doesn’t ensure that they will actually do it. This belief triggers confusion.

5. It has to be perfect
Even when we appreciate that nothing is permanent, we still believe in the idea of perfection – that there is a perfect weight, a perfect job, a perfect state of mind if only we strive harder to achieve it. This triggers hopelessness -- so we give up.

6. It’s not fair 
We have an unshakeable belief in the essential fairness of life – that if we do what is asked of us, we will be rewarded for it. When that faith is shaken and we see that life is not fair, we feel cheated. Our dashed expectations trigger resentment. We convince ourselves that the game is rigged against us and refuse to play again. In other words, we stop trying.

7. I can do it on my own
We believe that we are solely responsible for our own happiness and success, that positive change starts and ends within us and is neither shaped nor determined by the people around us. We abuse self-sufficiency, ignoring the value of a supportive environment, taking foolish pride in doing it all ourselves. We trigger our isolation.

8. Nothing will interrupt my focus
We don’t plan for the low-probability events because, by definition, any one of them is unlikely to occur. But in the aggregate, low probability events affect us all the time. Who plans on a flat tire, or accident, or stalled traffic because of an overturned semi on their way to work? This belief triggers unrealistic expectations.

9. ‘At least I’m better than…’
In a down moment after failure or loss, we tell ourselves, “At least I’m better than _______.” We award ourselves a free pass because we’re not the worst in the world. This is our excuse to take it easy, lowering the bar on our motivation and discipline. We’ve triggered a false sense of immunity.

10. I am exempt on this ‘special day’
Today is the Super Bowl, or my birthday, or our anniversary, or my day off. We excuse our momentary lapse as an outlier event, a blip in the long arc of committed change we are making. This belief triggers a self-indulgent inconsistency – which is fatal for change.

Overconfidence. Stubbornness. Depletion. Confusion. Hopelessness. Resentment. Isolation. Unrealistic expectations. Immunity. Inconsistency. That’s a lot of heavy baggage to carry on our journey of change.

These are just some of the rationalizations that keep us from becoming the person we want to be. Now that you’ve read them, I bet they’re nothing you’ve not heard before! Keep watch in your daily life for them, keep track of how often you use one of these trigger beliefs, see if you can come up with others. This is a great exercise, because as you know awareness is the first step towards change!

Happiness: everyone wants it, yet relatively few seem to get enough of it, especiallythose in their early forties. (That's about the time many of us start thinking, "Is this all there is?")

Maybe that's because approximately 50% of your "happiness set-point" is determined by personality traits that are largely hereditary. In short, half of how happy you feel is basically outside your control. (Bummer.)

But that also means 50% of your level of happiness is totally within your control: relationships, health, career, etc. So even if you're genetically disposed to be somewhat gloomy, you can still do things to make yourself a lot happier.

Like these:

1. Make good friends.

It's easy to focus on building a professional network of partners, customers, employees, connections, etc, because there is (hopefully) a payoff.

But there's a definite payoff to making real (not just professional or social media) friends. Increasing your number of friends correlates to higher subjective wellbeing. In terms of how happy you feel, doubling your number of friends is like increasing your income by 50%.

And if that's not enough, people who don't have strong social relationships are 50% less likely to survive at any given time than those who do. (That's a scary thought for relative loners like me.)

Make friends outside of work. Make friends at work. Make friends everywhere.

But above all, make real friends. You'll live a happier and longer life.

2. Actively express your thankfulness.

According to one study, couples that expressed gratitude in their interactions with each other resulted in increases in relationship connection and satisfaction the next day -- both for the person expressing thankfulness and (no big surprise) for the person receiving it. (In fact the authors of the study said gratitude was like a "booster shot" for relationships.)

Of course the same is true at work. Tell a coworker she did a great job and you both feel better about yourselves.

Another easy method is to write down a few things you are grateful for every night. One study showed people who wrote down 5 things they were thankful for once a week were 25% happier after ten weeks.

Happy people focus on what they have, not on what they don't have. It's motivating to want more in your career, relationships, bank account, etc. but thinking about what you already have, and expressing gratitude for it, will make you a lot happier.

And will remind you that even if you still have huge dreams, you have already accomplished a lot... and should feel genuinely proud.

3. Actively pursue your goals.

Goals you don't pursue aren't goals, they're dreams -- and dreams only make you happy when you're dreaming.

Pursuing goals, though, does make you happy. According to David Niven, author of100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life, "People who could identify a goal they were pursuing (my italics) were 19% more likely to feel satisfied with their lives and 26% more likely to feel positive about themselves."

So be grateful for what you have... then actively try to achieve more. If you're pursuing a huge goal, make sure that every time you take a small step closer to achieving it you pat yourself on the back.

But don't compare where you are now to where you someday hope to be. Compare where you are now to where you were a few days ago. Then you'll get dozens of bite-sized chunks of fulfillment -- and a never-ending supply of things to be thankful for.

4. Do what you excel at as often as you can.

You know the old cliché regarding the starving yet happy artist? Turns out it's true: artists are considerably more satisfied with their work than non-artists -- even though the pay tends to be considerably lower than in other skilled fields.

Why? I'm no researcher, but clearly the more you enjoy what you do and the more fulfilled you feel by what you do the happier you will be.

In The Happiness Advantage, Shawn Anchor says that when volunteers picked, "...one of their signature strengths and used it in a new way each day for a week, they became significantly happier and less depressed."

Of course it's unreasonable to think you can abandon your career and simply do what you love. But you can find ways to do more of what you excel at.

Delegate. Outsource. Start to shift that you do into areas that allow you to bring more of your strengths to bear. If you're a great trainer, find ways to train more people. If you're a great salesperson, find ways to streamline your admin tasks and get in front of more customers.

Everyone has at least a few things they do incredibly well. Find ways to do those things more often. You'll be a lot happier.

And probably a lot more successful -- which should also make you feel a little happier. (Here's a great example of what it feels like when you're succeeding.)

And keep in mind you don't have to start out loving what you do for it to make you happy.

5. Give.

While giving is usually considered to be unselfish, giving can also be more beneficial for the giver than the receiver. Providing social support may be more beneficial than receiving it.

Intuitively we all know that since it always feels great to help someone who needs it. Not only is helping those in need fulfilling, it's also a reminder of how comparatively fortunate we are... which is a nice reminder of how thankful we should be for what we already have.

Plus receiving is something you cannot control. If you need help -- or simply want help -- you can't make other people help you. But you can always control whetheryou help someone else.

And that means you can always control, at least to a degree, how happy you are -- because giving makes you happier.

(Want to know if you're a relatively giving person? Check this out.)

6. Don't single-mindedly chase "stuff."

Money does a lot of things; one of the most important is to give us choices.

But after a certain point money doesn't make people happier. After about $75,000 a year, money doesn't "buy" more happiness.

As the authors of the linked study say, "Beyond $75,000... higher income is neither the road to experience happiness nor the road to relief of unhappiness or stress. Perhaps $75,000 is the threshold beyond which further increases in income no longer improve individuals' ability to do what matters most to their emotional well-being, such as spending time with people they like, avoiding pain and disease, and enjoying leisure."

And if you don't buy that, here's another take: "The materialistic drive and satisfaction with life are negatively related." (Or in non-researcher's terms, "Chasing possessions tends to make you less happy.")

Think of it as the bigger house syndrome. You want a bigger house. You need a bigger house. (Not really, but it sure feels like you do.) So you buy it. Life is good... until a couple months later when your bigger house is now just your house.

All too soon, new always becomes the new normal.

"Things" only provide momentary bursts of happiness. To be happier, don't chase as many things. Chase more experiences instead.

7. More than anything, live the life you want to live.

Bonnie Ware worked in palliative care, spending time with patients who had only a few months to live. Their most common regret was, "I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."

What other people think -- especially people you don't even know -- doesn't matter. What other people want you to do doesn't mater.

Your hopes, your dreams, your goals... live your life your way. Surround yourself with people who support and care not for the "you" they want you to be but for thereal you.

So make the choices that are right for you. Say the things you really want to say to the people who most need to hear them. Express your feelings. Stop and smell a few roses. Make friends, and stay in touch with them.

And most of all, realize that happiness is a choice. 50% of how happy you are lies within your control, so start doing more things that will make you happier.

A study of over 3000 people discovered that men and women have yet another difference: the way they process emotions. According to researchers, this means that they remember different things about an experience. Knowing that the memory of the experience is what makes a Customer return, every organization should adapt their experience to appeal differently to the gender of the Customer.

The Journal of Neuroscience published a study last month that showed women were more likely to remember an emotional image than men. Participating in four different trials, the participants, 3,398 in all, were asked to look at pictures, some of which were designed to be neutral while other were designed to evoke emotional responses. The researchers discovered women responded more to the emotional images (particularly the negative ones) than the men and were able to recall them better when tested later.

Lead researcher, Dr. Annette Milnik said of the study on PsyBlog.com, “This would suggest that Gender-dependent differences in emotional processing and memory are due to different mechanisms.”

Most of us don’t need a study to tell us there are differences between men and women. I do want to be very clear, I am not saying that this is because of nature or nurture, it could be either, it could be both. I say this because in the past, when I have raised the issue of the differences between the sexes, some people called me a misogynist for even suggesting there is a difference. I would like to state for the record that I do not think the differences make the sexes unequal in any way. What I am trying to deal with is the reality of today that for whatever reason there are differences. Given that this means when you are designing an emotionally engaging experience for your Customers, you could consider to have a male and a female version of it, if that is appropriate.

When you think about it, this already happens in experiences today. There are men and women’s clothing stores, and they have different designs. There are magazines that target men and those that target women. Who hasn’t noticed that the Lifetime channel has a slightly different tone in its presentation than FX? There are experiences designed all the time that are gender specific. So why not in a Customer Experience as well?

According to the study, women responded with more brain stimulation when they looked at emotionally provocative images. Different parts of their brain were activated then the men in the study. Because of this, they had a stronger emotional response to the image and were able to recall it better later. To me, this says that if your experience is targeting women, you should use more images that evoke the emotion you want your Customers to feel during your experience. If it targets both men and women, just remember that the women will respond more to the emotionally-charged images than the men will.

I wrote a post a while ago exploring why the memory of your experience is more important than the actual experience you had. It is at this point where the emotions you felt during the experience play an important part. You don’t come back to an organization again because of the experience you had, but for the experience youremember you had.

With the importance of memory of an experience in mind, one of the concepts we teach our clients is the Peak End Rule. The Peak End Rule is that people judge their experience by how they felt at its most intense moment and the end of it, and they forget the other parts over time. For this reason in our Advanced Customer Experience Management Certification course, we teach our clients it is important to make the intense moment positive and near the end of their Customer Experience to create the best possible memory that brings Customers back.

What this new research indicates to me is that women are likely to feel the emotions of an experience in a different and more stimulating way, so their emotional peak has the potential of being more intense. Also, it could change how they remember the experience over their male counterparts. Adjusting your experience to appeal to this quality might help create better memories for your female Customers and create more loyalty in that base.

So how would these gender-specific experiences work or look? It’s not like you can set up doors with the triangle and circle on them and have each of the sexes enter through the appropriate door. Nor am I suggesting that one of the experiences is in blue and the other in pink. But perhaps if you are designing an Experience for a target, be sure that you take into account what gender you are targeting and design the experience around their strengths. If your experience targets both sexes, as many do, then you might design options within the experience that accommodate the different genders appropriately.

There is no harder task for adults than changing our behavior.

For many of us, change is impossible because we are so optimistic (and delusional) that we try to change everything at once. We quickly overwhelm ourselves with becoming the “new Me”, and when it doesn’t happen as quickly as we’d like, people don’t notice that we’ve made a change, or some obstacle presents itself, we give up.

Discouraged by our failure, overwhelmed and disheartened, it’s hard to commit to change again. So, we become geniuses at coming up with reasons to avoid change. We make excuses. We rationalize. We harbor beliefs that trigger all manner of denial and resistance—and we end up changing nothing. Ever. We fail to become the person we want to be.

So, seeing our frailties in the face of behavioral change what do we do?

For many years now, I’ve been using “The Wheel of Change” to help clients decide what to change and where to put their efforts. I’ve taken teams, organizations, friends, and peers through this process, and I’ve even use it myself. It is one of the most helpful tools for behavioral change that I’ve ever found.

The Wheel of Change illustrates the interchange of two dimensions that we need to sort out before we can become the person we want to be.

The positive to negative axis tracks the elements that either help us or hold us back. The change to keep axis tracks the elements that we determine to change or keep in the future. Thus, in pursuing any behavioral change we have four options: change or keep the positive elements, change or keep the negative.

Here’s a brief description of each of these options.

1. Creating represents the positive elements that we want to create in our future. Creating is the glamorous poster child of behavioral change. When we imagine ourselves behaving better, we think of it as an exciting process of self-invention. We’re creating a “new me.” It’s appealing and seductive. We can be anyone we choose to be. The challenge is to do it by choice, not as a bystander. Are we creating ourselves, or wasting the opportunity and being created by external forces instead?
2. Preserving represents the positive elements that we want to keep in the future. Preserving sounds passive and mundane, but it’s a real choice. It requires soul-searching to figure out what serves us well, and discipline to refrain from abandoning it for something new and shiny and not necessarily better. We don’t practice preserving enough.
3. Eliminating represents the negative elements that we want to eliminate in the future. Eliminating is our most liberating, therapeutic action—but we make it reluctantly. Like cleaning out an attic or garage, we never know if we’ll regret jettisoning a part of us. Maybe we’ll need it in the future. Maybe it’s the secret of our success. Maybe we like it too much.
4. Accepting represents the negative elements that we need to accept in the future. Most of us tend to commit to the other three four elements in the wheel of change with greater enthusiasm—creating is innovating and exciting, preserving makes sense as we focus on not losing sight of the good things about ourselves, eliminating appeals to the “do-or-die” element of our natures as we commit to stop doing things that no longer serve us, but accepting is a more difficult pill to swallow. Acceptance is an odd player in the process of change—it feels like admitting defeat, it’s equated by many to acquiescence. Acceptance is incredibly valuable when we are powerless to make a difference. Yet our ineffectuality is precisely the condition that we are most loath to accept. This truth triggers our finest moments of counterproductive behavior.

These are the choices. Some are more dynamic, glamorous, and fun than others, but they’re equal in importance. And three of them are more labor-intensive than we imagine.

And, that’s the simple beauty of the wheel. When we bluntly challenge ourselves to figure out what we can change and what we can’t, what to lose and what to keep, we often surprise ourselves with the bold simplicity of our answers and can thus take significant, real steps towards becoming the person we really want to be.

I don’t watch TV much, but when I do, it’s usually because something has caught my interest and I am going to learn something essential.   My current guilty pleasure is watching Million Dollar Listing (New York).  For the uninitiated, Million Dollar Listing is a reality TV show following the trials and tribulations of 3 successful Realtors in New York City, who are living the dream and striking fantastic deals in the heart of one of the most exciting Cities in the world...

I realized that what was coming into my consciousness were the personal entrepreneurial energies which leaders and business owners who wanted to be exceptionally successful just had to demonstrate.  Not only that, the second revelation which struck firmly home was the wonderful truth about these energies is that although some people naturally exude them; people who are willing and have the desire, can learn and harness these energies to get exceptional results.

Unattached Vision

An entrepreneurial vision is not only being able to envisage a great future or to be able to create a vision to achieve; it is the ability to be able to create a vision which exceeds what has happened in the past and bypasses the current reality.   For the realtors, they were smashing records again and again, because they were able to see past historical and current data and restraints and in their imagination, were able to create a reality based on vision alone.

Feeling Enthusiasm

Every listing was the “best apartment in New York City, or that particular area of NYC”, if not the best; the property had some unique and remarkable feature which made it eminently sellable.  If there really wasn’t a unique selling point, then the realtor created one.   The common theme each of the realtors displayed on every potential listing is exuberance, and enthusiasm.   Whether staged or not, the enthusiasm was and is infectious.  You have to ask the question, if the person selling can’t be enthusiastic, then how on earth can the buyer be?  It’s simple really.

Intrinsic Optimism

They had a “can do” attitude, and were able to turn real barriers, drawbacks, and obstacles into a positive.  They weren’t daunted by unrealistic sellers who wanted too much for their properties; they were able to still close a deal despite the odds.  Although some scary moments, they overcame most challenges, and positively learned from those they couldn’t overcome.

Dogged Determination

Time and time again, it looked like the deal would not be done, the sale would be lost and the realtor out of commission.  Relentlessly though the realtors kept on pressing to make the deal like a terrier with its teeth round someone’s ankle.  Only in very exceptional circumstances, and when it was simply a “no brainer”, did the realtor give up.  Their sheer determination to make the deal was audacious at the least and entirely inspirational to watch.

Insistent Propulsion

What the realtors demonstrated clearly was an ability to get things in motion and then to keep moving things forward.  This energy was apparent in every transaction.  There were never pauses, just some new information and a way to figure out what must happen next to push a transaction nearer to a close.

Taking Big Action

Their marketing strategies were often unique, from shooting professional film, including helicopters and fast cars, to luxuriously staging properties, creating and telling stories about the listings, and innovative “open houses”, they understood that taking big action got big results.  There is never a time when Newton’s third law was demonstrated.

So there you go there are my top essential entrepreneurial energies for exceptional success, what are yours?

Leaders are not leaders because of their title, their salary or their accomplishments. They are leaders because they bring out the hidden greatness in others. The world is full of wannabe leaders and people are often put in leadership roles who really don't want to or aren't capable of leading.

Here are 8 signs someone is not fit for leadership. When these signs are present, don’t follow blindly, don’t adopt them yourself and start looking for a new leader.

1. Blame outwardly – It is never their fault. They blame the tool, the process or the people. They share the blame and hoard the fame.
2. Passion is missing – When passion is absent the whole team knows it and usually will follow suit. If the leader can’t stay passionate about the vision, the team can’t help them achieve it.
3. Flat out can’t listen – They either think they are always right, their idea or opinion is the only one that matters or everyone around them is incompetent, out to get them or just plain wrong.
4. Sees their team as there to serve them – This makes them a master not a leader. They beat the team into submission instead of influencing them to follow.
5. Compromise their personal values and belief system – Even when the decision doesn’t feel right inside they do it anyway. Overtime you find that their values have vanished or transformed into something evil.
6. Uncooperative – They keep a perpetual line in the sand. The art of compromise and negotiation is lost on them.
7. Uncoachable – They have no performance issues and no room for improvement. They remind you that they've been doing this for X years and know what is best and right.
8. Threatened by those around them – They go throughout their day with fear that someone is smarter or better than they are and they work hard to ruin other peoples credibility.

These traits completely miss the point of leadership. Beyond the fact that they are making everyone around them miserable and costing the company time, money and resources or worse they might be training future leaders to behave this way. Do you lead someone who shows these signs? Ask for their resignation to prevent any further damage to your organization.

Superiors that don’t give credit to the people who work with them kills them a little each time it happens.

“When the boss steals your glory, it’s stressful and a disincentive for you to put forth any extra effort,” – Teri Hockett

It can start innocently enough. Your boss can tell you that an idea will carry more weight coming from them or that they are going to “socialize” it with their superiors.  But when you hear them speaking about the idea, it is as if you don’t exist.

What can you do?

Offer to present the idea together. Thank them for the offer of presenting it, but you want to step out there as a learning opportunity.  Speak about it at a team meeting so that your colleagues hear and offer their thoughts as well.

If the boss persists in presenting it without you, make sure you document your idea to them in an email.  Then make sure you are preparing to make your next move within the organization or to a new organization because it is a sign of things to come.

I worked for a boss that had a sign on her desk that read – “If I’m not talking to you, then you’re doing fine”.  She would tell us that “we are adults and don’t require a pat on the back for every little thing”.  I agree. However, feedback is a completely different animal. It is a primary way that someone can know how he or she is doing in his or her roles.

Positive feedback is also one of the most effective ways to change behavior.  There is a great deal of research that proves the potency of positive feedback

The Corporate Leadership Council did a study in 2002 that is an example of this. They survey 19,000 employees from 34 companies, in 7 industry groups in 20 countries and asked them what impact certain actions had on their performance. They were some surprising results:

They were some surprising results:

• Fair and accurate informal positive feedback increased performance by 39%
• Formal reviews with an emphasis on strength increased performance by 37%
• Formal reviews with an emphasis on weakness decreased performance by 27%
• Regular informal feedback with an emphasis on weakness decreased performance by 11%

Giving feedback about what someone does well makes them do that more. It changes behavior more quickly and is contagious. Bosses that don’t give positive feedback are setting people up for failure.

What can you do?

If your boss isn’t telling you what you are doing well, there are two methods you can follow:

1. You should ask them.  Make sure to find out specifically what he or she thinks your strengths are. If your boss can’t think of anything or uses that question as a reason to point out what you are not doing well, that is a bad sign. Thank them for their time and find someone else that will objectively tell you your strengths.
2. Praise your boss and teammates for what they do well.  Take it upon yourself to point out what they do well and the impact it has on the team.  It’s possible that your teammates will begin to follow your lead.

If your boss only tells you what you are doing well as a vehicle to tell you what you are doing wrong, run.

The flip side of never-giving-positive-feedback is not dealing with performance issues until they become a real problem.  If your boss can’t tell you very shortly after an incident how to correct your behavior, that is a horrible sign. No one is perfect and your boss should be able to tell you when you’ve done something wrong.

That is a real opportunity to learn if they tell you what happened, its impact, and they work with you to correct it.  However, if you hear about something that you did wrong during a quarterly or annual review, that is not good.

What can you do?

If your boss has a history of telling you what you are doing wrong only during a review process then you have to take matters into your own hands.  Ask them at least weekly about your performance. Review the projects you are working on, meetings you ran or attended, etc. Don’t let them get away with not giving you the real scoop about your performance.

Grill them until they tell you. Once you find out what they thought didn’t go well, ask them:

• What can I do to make sure to correct this for next time?
• How can I prepare for this better?

Just like Sisyphus rolling the rock up the hill, work can seem just as pointless. But that is  dangerous to your longevity at the organization, to the well-being of the customer and your health.

Leaders in organizations must be able to connect what the people on their teams do to the overall purpose of the organization and how it connects to gaining and retain customers. That is called the Line of Sight.

Bad bosses tell employees to accomplish tasks because “that is their job” or worse yet “because I told you to.” This is a recipe for disaster.

What can you do?

There are really only two courses of action:

1) Ask your boss how the task, project or initiative you are tasked to do helps to

• Gain/retain customers
• Meet the department goals
• Help the organization become successful

2) If they can’t or won’t give you the answer, do some detective work on your own and find out.

Don’t let your superior get away with not giving you context for what you are doing. If they get upset because you want to know, that is a good sign for you to find a new boss.

The only real competitive advantage that any company has its people.  Therefore, developing your skills is not only good for your career but also better for the organization’s bottom line.  The truth is your career and its development is your responsibility.

You are the only one that can really do the work it takes to prepare yourself for advancement. However, your boss can make the opportunity to develop available.  Any boss worth their salt will want to talk to you about your growth, your goals, what you want to do with you life, etc.

This way they can give you assignments to get you closer to that or use that information to give you work that you are excited about doing.

You are the only one that can really do the work it takes to prepare yourself for advancement. However, your boss can make the opportunity to develop available.  Any boss worth their salt will want to talk to you about your growth, your goals, what you want to do with you life, etc.  This way they can give you assignments to get you closer to that or use that information to give you work that you are excited about doing.

This way they can give you assignments to get you closer to that or use that information to give you work that you are excited about doing.

If your boss isn’t making time to have these kinds of conversations you are either working in a fast food restaurant or they don’t care about your future.

What can you do?

If your boss doesn’t talk to you about development opportunities, you should be bringing it up. Let them know you want to “leverage their experience” or “pick their brain” to speak with them about your career goals.  Once that conversation is scheduled, really prepare for it. Use it as an opportunity to get the opportunity to develop and grow.

Business was booming.

It was March of 2012, and the company that I started in college had been up and running for over two years, slowly but steadily increasing headcount to a team of about ten. Our modest three room office was bursting at the seams, so we decided to expand.

And expand we did. We went from 1,200 square feet to over 5,000. We had six private suites, a conference room, a large open area, and a huge attached warehouse/garage, which we used to park our cars in during the one or two annual rainy days in San Diego.

We were happy, content, and prosperous. Then, that all changed in an instant.

“Hey Greg…” said one of my employees as I answered my cell phone from home on an early spring morning, a tangible nervousness in his usually confident voice.

“You didn’t happen to take all of the computers home, did you?”

“What do you mean?” I responded, hoping that I had misheard him speak or that I was having a nightmare. My gut knew what his words meant, but my mind wouldn’t let me reconcile with reality just yet.

“Well” he said, “All of our computers are gone, and…”

He stopped.

“And there’s a broken window in the conference room.”

He didn’t need to state the obvious. We’d been burglarized. I felt like I just received news that a family member had died. My mind turned into a dizzying fog that wouldn’t burn off until the end of the day. I knew the implications that this would have; the time, money, and stress of recovery. I hopped in my car and hustled over to the office, eager and unrealistically hopeful to find it would be just a practical joke.

My passenger seat was glaringly empty on the ride there. For years, I had always taken my laptop home with me for some evening work, and thrown it on the adjacent seat. Today, it was not there. Only two days prior, I decided to start leaving it on my desk at the office when I went home for the day. What unfortunate timing.

When I arrived at the office, all of the employees were gathered in the parking lot. They didn’t want to go inside, so as not to contaminate the crime scene. Instead, they were all staring at the painfully obvious unsecured point of our office, a small window in the conference room obscured by foliage.

I unlocked the front door and made my way inside. Instantly, the place that I revered with so much enthusiasm, so much warmth, so much potential, was now just a symbol for humanity’s darker side. Sure, my name was on the lease, but this wasn’t my place anymore. It’s new owner was unknown, cloaked in the darkness and anonymity of the criminal world. He’d signed his name not with pen and paper, but with cigarette ash, blood from the broken glass, and fingerprints.

We couldn’t believe that this particular baddie had been so callous, so bold, so daring as to actually light up a cigarette inside the office, seemingly halfway through the job. It was a minor thing, but it represented so much more. He had taken his sweet time, not concerned with the worries that law abiding citizens have, like morality, punctuality, and civility. By not wearing gloves and leaving his fingerprints behind, it was like he wanted to get caught, as if being a burglar was a weighted burden that he hoped somebody else would remove from his shoulders by no choice of his own. Getting caught could do just that.

We felt particularly violated when we discovered the single only other thing missing besides the computers. My then girlfriend and now wife had a small stash of candy in her desk drawer. It was gone. This perplexed us. Why go through all this risk, and steal all of these pricey items, only to waste time nabbing a sweet treat? It felt uncomfortably personal.

Power cords and keyboards were scattered about the office like the guts of a gazelle that was feasted on by a hungry pride of lions. Various electronic accessories were strewn about like a breadcrumb trail to the window, the final point in time and space where the computers went from ours to not ours. The broken window was like a portal into the vacuum of space; once something had gone through it, it was never coming back.

The crook had at first attempted to pry open the window with a screwdriver before resorting to a good ol’ rock.

All but one of our MacBooks and iMacs were gone. Nine computers in total were taken, including three of my personal devices, one of which dated back to my high school age. The photos and memories that I had on those older machines had, sadly and regrettably, not been backed up. The fate of their contents were now at the mercy of the individual who was responsible for this mess.

After slowly letting the reality soak in, it then hit me.

“Please, not the server.” We had used an Apple Time Capsule as a way to store and share files amongst our team. Nearly all of our company’s intellectual property was on there. Documents, proprietary works, critical files and folders all lived on here. Almost literally, the entire value of our company was stored in a six inch by six inch plastic and metal box.

I opened the door to the server room slowly. It had been bad enough that the computers were gone. I didn’t know if I could take it if this too was gone. The door creaked on and the light came on. Like the lone survivor of a battle in war, the Time Capsule was there, still running, it’s little green light telling me that everything was OK, at least in its own digital world.

The policeman that was on the job was of the classical stereotype — slightly overweight, middle age, and unwaveringly confident that they would catch the crooks. After all, blood and fingerprints had been left behind. Blood and fingerprints! The suspect may as well have signed a guilt admission at the crime scene, right? Plus, this was the third incident at this property in just the last few months. If they were linked as we imagined, the abundance of evidence collected between the trio of crimes had to help things.

“We’ll get these guys, no problem”, the police officer stated without hesitation. Over my youth, I’d been given this reassurance before with stolen bikes and CD players that were never returned. I knew the likelihood of justice this time was still slim. I prepared for the worst and hoped for the best.

But wait! The company a few doors down sold security cameras. Perhaps they had some incriminating footage. Anticipating we had the secret sauce to bring due justice to the incident, we headed over to see what we could find.

Our gracious neighbors poured over the tapes. They found something, but it wouldn’t be much help. A black SUV, possibly a Toyota 4Runner, left the driveway at around 2:00 AM. This was likely the criminal’s ride, but alas, the quality of the image didn’t provide any material information that would get us any closer to solving the mystery and getting our computers back.

Then, like a Wizard who just discovered time travel, I proclaimed loudly and enthusiastically,“To the cloud!” I was, of course, referring to Apple’s iCloud, specifically the tracking feature that I had implemented on all the computers. In theory, I would be able to see the location of all the machines. I fired up the app on my phone, optimistically hoping for a smorgasbord of dots on a map, indicating the locations of my stolen goods. Refraining from rubbing my hands in a sinister fashion, I felt like I was now the criminal mastermind.

But alas, iCloud’s “Find My Mac” feature has one critical flaw. The computers need to be powered up and connected to Wifi. Unless my assumption was off, it was unlikely that the smash-and-grab artist was going to take these home and start browsing Pinterest. Like the security footage, this route would also prove to be fruitless. I began accepting the fact that Mac wasn’t coming back.

My insurance agent met me at the office, and we began the process of initiating a $15,000 claim. He noted that it could take up to two weeks to get the check. Until that time, we’d be sans technology and consequently, unable to earn revenue. Since we’d just plunked down a hefty sum for the new office, we didn’t have the cash in the bank to procure a new fleet of shiny new Apple computers. We’d have to improvise.

At an earlier time in my life, a wise family member once told me something when I was struggling through a relationship issue. “Greg, I know what you are going through. It’s tough. But I’ll promise you this much. One year from today, I’m going to treat you to a cup of coffee, and you’re going to tell me how this challenge ended up being a blessing in disguise.”

One year later, I would indeed meet him for coffee. As he predicted, all was well. He was right, the hardship had been worth it. I would have to apply this same conviction to my current struggle.

To get through this bump in the road, I had to let some good team members go. As painful as it was, we just couldn’t afford the payroll without any earnings coming in. For those who voluntarily stayed, they understood the challenges that lay ahead. The team and I huddled in the conference room with the broken window, which was a stark reminder of the obstacle we’d been presented with. White board markers appeared, judgements for silly ideas disappeared, and we got to brainstorming. The topic at hand? Simple: “What do we do for two weeks without computers?”

After a few hours, we came to one conclusion. We had to change the business model. We had to go from a people-first service, to a technology centric approach. We had to build the system to run itself, without us there to intervene. We had to create a product, as opposed to a service. Using the extra computers we could borrow from friends, family, and employees, we got to building. Over the first weekend, we had hammered out most of the critical components, and a press release would follow early in the week.

We launched. All was working. Users were digging the new approach. Top line sales did slip 20%, but labor was down more than 50%, giving us a net gain. We had a long road to go, but we were showing signs of recovering. My tension started to subside.

I started to look on the brighter side. It could have been a lot worse.

The Time Capsule could have been stolen and the sole surviving Mac could have been grabbed. We did have insurance, so we would be made financially whole. Thankfully, my friend and insurance agent had only recently convinced me that such protection was a smart move. Only a few nights earlier, my wife had been in the office until midnight alone. I was grateful that she was safe and sound, and that the criminal’s schedule was misaligned with her’s.

Then, less than a week after the incident, I got one of the most surprising emails of my life. The sender indicated that he had seen our new business model that we announced, and would like to discuss an acquisition of our brand. He was none other than the owner of the company I had ruthlessly competed against for the last two years.

As an indirect result of the break-in, we were now being acquired.

As we began gearing up for the sale, my wife and I decided that fresh new surroundings would be an effective way to put this ordeal behind us. After the sale of the company was finalized, we wouldn’t have any specific need to be in San Diego anymore. Much of our family resided in the San Francisco Bay Area, and the region had attracted me due to it’s ecosystem for startups and tech. One good friend even encouraged me to pursue my passion and relocate to “Entrepreneurial Candy Land.”

We packed our things and moved up north. I didn’t know anyone at all, so I decided to be incredibly proactive in pounding the pavement. I attended any meetup or event that I could, eager to meet new folks that were interested in the same things I was. At one such event, I would meet a fellow techie, and we quickly discovered we were both into racing and cars. I’d just finished filming part one of a racing TV show, so I was excited to chat about it.

Over the next 18 months, we continued to get to know each other better, conversing about our three shared passions; cars, startups, and dogs. Then, the time came when we were both aligned on bandwith, vision, and timing. Both of us were obsessed with all of these new “on-demand” services popping up like Uber, Instacart, and Homejoy. We thought it would be pretty cool to create a place where people could discover and discuss these new products. In October 2014, we launched Whttlto the world, which would help users whittle down all of their local options for top-tier services.

Now, looking back thirty months later, I can confidently say that the burglary was one of the best things that could have happened to me. It was the catalyst that led to a chain of events that included selling my company, relocating to San Francisco, meeting my cofounder Tim, and starting a new company.

I couldn’t be happier. Every day, I get to work with startups to help spread the word about their awesome new products and services. It’s exactly the role I dreamed of having years ago.

And what would I say to the burglar, if I ever met him?

“Thank you.”