Funny Horoscopes and Astrology
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Funny Horoscopes and Astrology
Your Zodiac Sign Gone Bad!
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June 2012 Horoscopes

June 2012 Horoscopes | Funny Horoscopes and Astrology | Scoop.it

GEMINI: You may get money this week! It could be from a raise, you could find some on the ground, or that creepy guy will give you some for helping on a “job.” If not, and you need some fast cash, have a garage sale! You really don’t need your old florescent underwear, the pillowcase with the blood stain on it shaped like Jesus, or those Gary Busy trading cards! Also, get rid of that gaud awful Black Sabbath shirt you’ve had for years. I bet if someone licked it, they would instantly turn into a zombie.

 

CANCER: You should take that chance you’ve been debating on for weeks! I know you’re being cautious, but time to shake it off and just DO IT! If it pays off, it could make you happy. You could receive love, a new horse, some very clean money or a year with a Jehovah Witness! If it goes badly, all you will have lost is your sanity which wasn’t really there to begin with, some good lasagna, a toenail or your car. Whatever the case, at least you’ll get to see some entertaining people this week that you won’t have to pay for!

 

LEO: A loved one may be butting their nose where it doesn’t belong, and that doesn’t mean your butt. If you are sick of him getting into your business want him to quit bothering you, then avoid him. If that doesn’t work run away, but just make sure you tell him somewhere where him absolutely would NOT go: to your cousin Bjork’s house in Iceland, Idaho (who wants to go there?), or his mom’s house or his ex’s. Not working? Perhaps you should just play dead.

 

VIRGO: Try not to get in the middle of two of your good friends fighting this week! Not only may you get “accidentally” kicked in the groin, gut, face or teeth, but you don’t want one of them to hate you because you’re nosy. So don’t give either of these friends shotguns, Tasers, metal sporks or bags of glass, like you were going to. If you try to solve their problem, “someone” may steal your lawn mower or you may lose your anus. Be quick on your feet or the only friend you’ll have left is your pet rock.

 

LIBRA: Someone at school or work may hit on you. Unfortunately, you do not find him attractive (is it that one eye that is bigger than the other?). You should hang out with him anyway because you’ll be surprised how much you learn from him! You may increase your knowledge about the beginning of the industrial revolution, or learn about the REAL ingredients in mustard to different sex positions that all include wheat products or what to do when you get stabbed with a pencil! Jump at this opportunity!

 

SCORPIO: Someone you love got emotionally hurt, or is going to get emotionally hurt this week! I know you’re busy fixing your own shit right now, but remember you’re the friend with the most revenge tactics! So, get that Dexter knife kit you got for Christmas out, those ninjas you were saving for a rainy day, that threatening recording Charlie Sheen sent you, that sparkler bomb you were saving for your family reunion and start helping! Your friend will be so happy she might give you that signed photograph of He-Man you’ve always wanted!

 

SAGITTARIUS: Be amazed that something exciting will happen at work or school this week! Friday could be Hawaiian shirt day. If not, you should suggest it, and others will be impressed by your enthusiasm! Someone may give you a present for working so hard, such as fresh lemons, a purple blender or a life-sized poster of Charles Manson wearing a smiley face button! At school you name may be announced for Always being on time and always having that nice smell of bananas. P.S. A carrot may try to choke you this week, so watch out!

 

CAPRICORN: Things may be a bit confusing this week. It might be even more confusing than your famous night in college, with your bio teacher and that tank of nitrous oxide! You can only solve one problem at a time. I suggest you keep calm. Maybe take a bubble bath with a friend, take some Valium, don’t call any family members, don’t look the mailman in the eye and stop wearing boxer shorts that are too small! Don’t worry; things will get better…hopefully.

 

AQUARIUS: Time for your musical talent to come through! If you can’t play an instrument, then write lyrics! People say “write what you know,” so now is your chance to bring a tune to: “My mom doesn’t miss me,” or “I love the smell of plastic.” Don’t eat Chinese food this week. If you are forced to go to a Chinese restaurant, pretend to know Mandarin and claim the staff insulted you.

 

PISCES: You need something new in your life this week! Add something that will increase your health like a pet, kidnap a guy that teaches tai-chi, or buy a sack of blood to keep the mosquitoes away! Or you could buy something that your home needs, like a cactus and/or Tupperware in the shapes of body parts, or a stuffed poodle. It could be a decoration or mop! Improve your love life and get new sheets! No, really. Get new sheets.

 

ARIES: You may want to hang a loved one this week. Don’t do it because she is just having a little, mental breakdown! It could be just PMS or OCD…so don’t break up! It WILL pass as fast as that case of Chlamydia she gave you last year. If it’s driving you too horribly insane, call a friend and have a beer…better yet, live at your friend’s house and drink their beer. Still upset? Tell her you have rabies. P.S. Try to hang out with turtles this week.

 

TAURUS: You may find something entertaining you can use or at least will make you smile if you go through some old boxes or junk in your house this week! It could be that neon, dial-up phone that doubles as a weapon/dildo. You may find that ancient, dirty jean jacket you wore when you told your youth group you thought Satan was funny. You could find that Tupperware that still has pot residue in it! Or your ex’s “Winger” t-shirt that will warm you right up when you burn it.

 

And that concludes the astrology horoscopes for June 2012 from the funny greeting card creators of NobleWorks! www.nobleworkscards.com

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May 2012 Astrology

May 2012 Astrology | Funny Horoscopes and Astrology | Scoop.it

TAURUS:You will have an amazing, insightful and life changing conversation with a stranger this week. I don’t know why, I just know that this person may alter the way you perceive the world. In fact, it may open up a door to new opportunities for you! If this unknown person does not find you by the middle of the week, then YOU must run up to strangers and ask them if they have something profound to tell you. Sure there might be some that ignore you, run away, or possible mace you, but once you find that human being, it’ll all be worth it. Also, this week you might find a close friend or lover boring. Whatever you do, do NOT tell them this. You know deep inside that they love you and they are one of the few people that can put up with your whining and fingernail collection.

 

GEMINI:Some strange things will happen to you, (or at least you’ll see them), this week. You might say something that may cause you to lose a friend, a special goat, or a loved one. Be careful what you say or you might get punched or worse, be trampled by wild whores. Sure it’ll be freaky and weird, but at least it’s better than everything on TV right now. Just when you thought you’d never been surprised again, life comes up from behind and kicks you in the pants. Just remember that it is all fun and games until someone calls a lawyer. So stay away from hairspray and lighters. If you absolutely not do that, then you’ll have to wear a shower cap all week.

 

CANCER:Love is in the air this week. My suggestion to you is to buy an air freshener and some antiseptic for extra comfort. If you’re feeling the love, just the antiseptic or even perhaps break that twenty and spend some extra money on some two-ply for extra bonus points. Yes, my friend, this week you may want to look your best because someone has noticed how hot you are. You MUST seize this opportunity because by next week you’ll lose your chance. I know in relationships it’s usually all about YOU; however, this time you need to make an effort. Buy the one you love some flowers, chocolate, a puppy, or a beer. If you do, it will make you both slap happy.

 

LEO:This week a shark will eat your friend. Well, not really, but you might want that to happen because he is bugging the hell out of you. Before you claw him to death, try to remember what you both have been through together. How you have both helped each other reach goals, get through tough relationships, all the keg stands you did in college or still do every other Friday. This friend is driving you nuts, but just think of all the wild stuff that you’ve done that he has not told anyone about! You are a loyal friend, you can still be. You just need a break from him. Don’t feel bad, in a couple of weeks go ahead and take him to a horrible horror movie or a bar where they actually have music he likes and that will totally make up for it.

 

VIRGO: I know you are pretty good at handling money and balancing your funds, but you might need to cut back this week. Not due to a screw up on your part, but because an unexpected expense will pop up this week. I don’t know if it’ll be your weird car needing a part, or a hospital visit for a broken finger or have to pay off strangers when they witness you doing something strange. Just be ready for a blowout. Now, don’t worry too much, it won’t be a HUGE amount. So, don’t do anything drastic like shut off your cable! I know how much you love your Cinemaxy and food shows. You don’t have to buy ramen noodles for dinner every night…just take it easy. Try to cut back on things you won’t really need this week, like vitamins, herbs and bottled water. P.S. Stay away from crafts this week.

 

LIBRA:Wake up and smell the coffee! Someone in your family will need your help this week. I know, I know, you are busy planting something, painting a picture of a moose, plus you have work or need to buy pencils for school, but you really need to drop what you are doing and help a relative out. If it’s a kid, try to spend some quality time with him. Take him out and buys him a really, loud, annoying toy so it’ll bug his parents. Teach him all you know about tattoo removal. Just do something or he’ll be sad. If it’s an adult…give her a hand moving, painting or putting up her hot lamps for their “medical” marijuana green house. Plus if you help out the family, they’ll be there for when you need them later…maybe.

 

SCORPIO: No matter how badly you want to light something on fire, or break some expensive objects, DON’T! Besides, you will probably end up doing both of those things by accident later. I know that you are pissed off and stressed out this week, but your revenge tactics suck when you are not thinking clearly. You’ve kept this problem inside for too long. So long, it’s been scratching at your bad side and it now starting to really itch. It’s time to finally get it off your chest and talk about it. I know that you would rather destroy something, but if you don’t solve the problem this week, it will be twice as bad next week! As soon as it’s all over, you’ll be back to your genius self. Whatever you decide, try not to sing that old Bigbang song. I think it might be illegal in some states.

 

SAGITTARIUS: You may receive a sweet surprise from someone this week. Lucky you! It’ll come just in time too. You may be feeling a bit down. I’m not sure if you are getting a little head cold, or if there will be a bee attack, or if you are just not feeling like your normal, cheerful self. At least this gift, flowers, kiss, whatever the surprise is, it will come just in time. It’ll come before you need cough drops or a counselor. Celebrate this awesome surprise by paying it forward. Send a friend or family member a card, something personal and meaningful. If you do that all your dreams will come true. Okay, maybe not, but if you do this it will totally make your week groovy. P.S. I know there are some dirty socks hidden somewhere in that bedroom of yours. Please find them and discard before they start a new plague. Thank you.

 

CAPRICORN: This week you’ll be very pleased with a decision that you made! You will debate on it and hesitate, but your gut feeling isn’t from last night’s burrito, it’s your body telling you to DO IT! It could be choosing the correct solution at work or just choosing the right salad. The reward of your decision will not be great but you will be happy. Whatever you do, do not doubt your genius self! The problem here is, in fact, you might be too pleased with yourself. Do not let this great conclusion go to your head. If you show your ego, in all its nude glory, to a loved one or coworker, they might pass out, rearrange your furniture, or run away. Making you end up eating your fine salad alone. Yes, you’ve HAVE made a great decision, but please try to keep it in your pants. P.S. No one likes your shoes this week.

 

AQUARIUS: Hello, reoccurring problem this week! Well isn’t that just freakin’ lovely. You thought that problem had gone away, but its back like a bad case of herpes. What’s the best thing to do? No one usually asks for my advice, but if I were you, I’d run away. Yep, instead of standing up and taking punches, get the hell out of there! A vacation in a mine field would be better than the extra stress for you right now. If you do leave don’t go alone. Take that one “friend” with you who you never call anymore. Even better yet, take someone that will give you lots of love because you need and deserve it. Also, on this little vacation, you might learn a few new things! I know you love that because your brain is a sponge, so soak it up baby! P.S. Don’t take YOUR car because I’m pretty sure there’s something living under your seat.

 

ARIES: Good news for you this week, my butt ramming friend. You just thought WHAT?! That’s disgusting. Anyway, good news will have you celebrating more than Charlie Sheen on a good day. It’s the first time in a while that your stubbornness will pay off for the better! See, it’s not all bad! You will be delightfully surprised at the news, and you SHOULD do something for yourself! Have a beer with a friend. In fact, come over here and bring me beer because I’m running low. Party like it’s your birthday, but make sure it’s at another person’s place so you don’t have to clean up. After you get this news, call the first person who doubted you and rub it in her face. Not because you’re an asshole, because it will make you feel better. Plus, someone in your life this week is not giving you the attention you deserve! Don’t listen to that asshat, just be happy and make others happy around you as well. Yes, this does include sex.

 

PISCES: This week strange things will happen to you or by you. So don’t be completely shocked if the mailman chases your dog, one of your ex’s, the one who claimed to hated you, calls to say he or she loves you, a spider gives YOU a can of insect repellent, or you find out that there’s a little, green man that lives under your bed and smells your feet when you are asleep. Sure, it’ll be a freaky and weird week, but at least it’s better than anything that’s on TV right now. Just when you thought that you’d never be surprised by anything again, life will come up behind you and kick you in the pants. Just remember that it is all fun and games until someone loses and eye. So stay away from BB guns and scissors this week, or wear goggles 24/7 until the week ends. Your choice.

 

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