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Junction 8 of the A1(M) to be renamed in honour of Queen Elizabeth | NewsBiscuit

Junction 8 of the A1(M) to be renamed in honour of Queen Elizabeth | NewsBiscuit | enjoy yourself | Scoop.it
Describing it as a “fitting tribute to our longest-reigning monarch”, the leader of Stevenage Borough Council Sharon Taylor today announced that Junction 8 of the A1(M) would be renamed ‘Elizabeth Junction’.
Kenneth Weene's insight:

Got to love this satire. When I'm stuck in a traffic jam, which can also be lovingly referred to as a queue, I like to imagine the political figures of the world being shamed by the existence of bottlenecks. Of course, here in the US, we will be renaming bridges that fall down and giant potholes. 

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‘Everyone’s a winner!’ – Award ceremonies to become more inclusive | NewsBiscuit

‘Everyone’s a winner!’ – Award ceremonies to become more inclusive | NewsBiscuit | enjoy yourself | Scoop.it
In attempt to combat accusations of cultural, ethnic or skill bias; the Oscars are planning to award prizes to ‘every person with a selfie-stick’. The short-list for Best Actor 2016 has now extended to include 1.4bn people of dubious talent, although a disproportionate number of the nominees are now teenage girls called ‘Harper’. While there is a legitimate argument that employment data should mirror demographics, it is odd to suggest that ‘success’ should be equally as fair; which could lead to midgets winning basketball tournaments.
Kenneth Weene's insight:

For my part, I don't think a lot of movies are worth giving awards, but I wish instead of recognizing "The Best" the academy recognized the "good" giving awards to all those that are truly deserving. In my opinion, some years we should have more than one winner and in other years zilch. As for race, well there are some great Black actors and film makers who should be recognized; but more importantly we need to have more opportunities for Black artists to make films. 

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‘No safe limit’ for pizza | NewsBiscuit

‘No safe limit’ for pizza | NewsBiscuit | enjoy yourself | Scoop.it
Chief Medical Officer Dame Sally Davies, 66, shocked the UK’s population with the announcement today that there is no safe consumption level for pizza. Dismissing the notion that pizza is OK as part of a balanced diet as an old wives’ tale, Dame Sally said that even one slice a day could lead to muffin top, manspreading and even bingo wings. While apologists point to the role of pizza as part of the fabled Mediterranean diet, the new guidelines advise that even a small hand-thrown crispy margherita is literally the thin edge of the wedge, leading rapidly to the family-sized deep-pan meat feast and related problems such as being unable to get off the sofa, drinking Stella, shouting and watching The X-Factor.
Kenneth Weene's insight:

I'll be eating that last slice of my meat lover's pie when they put my body in the oven. Wait, how about being buried in a coffin that looks like a pizza carton. So much for those food guidelines. Pass the chianti. 

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UK arms deals unaffected as Saudi women allowed to operate car radios | NewsBiscuit

UK arms deals unaffected as Saudi women allowed to operate car radios | NewsBiscuit | enjoy yourself | Scoop.it
UK and US news programmes hailed the potential change in the law on the female operation of car radios in Saudi Arabia as 'potential progress we can appear to endorse without damaging the billion dollar arms trade with Saudi Arabia.' CNN's Judy Smythe said 'This is the very first step on a long and optimistic road. And as long as we don't mention that on the same road travels bundles of Saudi cash on the way to terrorist groups, things will be OK. We will also fail to mention that beside these roads people are flogged and killed for minor offences. We will in our reports overlook the fact that transporters on these roads carry UK and US made weapons sold for billions to Saudi Arabia and used to further destabilise the Middle East.'
Kenneth Weene's insight:

I laughed at this, but it reminded me to celebrate that Saudi women not only voted fir the first time but that 20 of them have been elected to government offices, which means that the Saudis are now into the early 20th century. 

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British airstrikes in Syria destroy suspected IS postbox | NewsBiscuit

British airstrikes in Syria destroy suspected IS postbox | NewsBiscuit | enjoy yourself | Scoop.it
Following the Commons vote to deploy air strikes against the so-called Islamic State group, the Royal Air Force have successfully destroyed a postbox probably used by the terrorists in their stronghold, Ramadi. The target was described as of 'strategic significance' by the Ministry of Defence, whose remit has been to avoid civilian casualties at all costs. The postbox is just one of several high priority targets on the RAF's radar, which also includes terrorists' bicycles, allotments and garden furniture.
Kenneth Weene's insight:

Silly Brits; don't they know the terrorists want to end mail service? Oh, wait that's the GOP. My bad.

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Garden Bridge will include ‘dogging area’ confirms Heatherwick | NewsBiscuit

Garden Bridge will include ‘dogging area’ confirms Heatherwick | NewsBiscuit | enjoy yourself | Scoop.it
Garden Bridge designer Thomas Heatherwick has confirmed there will be a specially designated area given over to people addicted to exhibitionist sexual activity in open public places.  To start with the sex facility will only be open at night, but once it becomes notorious it is hoped the area will attract day-time doggers too. Although the activity is more commonly associated with woodland parks and rural areas Mr. Heatherwick said the vast majority of Londoners do not own cars and it was only fair this was taken into account when planning ahead for bridge activities.
Kenneth Weene's insight:

We of Tralfamadore salute this royal effort. It is assumed that appropriate viewing areas will be provided similar to those at the better zoos. It is assumed that Her Majesty is not amused.

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Gregg Wallace fixed grin device cures depression, provokes violence | NewsBiscuit

Gregg Wallace fixed grin device cures depression, provokes violence | NewsBiscuit | enjoy yourself | Scoop.it
‘Why the long face?’ is a question that may soon be relegated to the past thanks to the release of the incredible Gregg Wallace fixed-grin device. Fitting neatly and invisibly into the corners of the mouth ‘The Wallace’ claims to turn all frowns upside down in a nano-second. Anger management specialists and medical practitioners are hailing the device as an amazing alternative to anti-depressants and expensive courses of therapy. ‘Valium, librium and mogadon once seemed to provide the perfect answer to stress,’ said Dr Hilda Radcliffe from her Harley Street clinic, ‘but The Wallace comes without any of the typical side-affects, such as altering the chemistry of the brain and turning people into vegetables. However, it is not without its problems and patients do need to take care where and when they wear it.’
Kenneth Weene's insight:

Those of us who deal with or write about mental health issues need to laugh at the whole topic. Personally, I loved this bit of satire. If you need to put mental illness into perspective, read "Memoirs From the Asylum," a book that will make you laugh, cry, and think. You can find it on Amazon at http://www.amazon.com/Memoirs-From-Asylum-Kenneth-Weene/dp/0984421955 Remember that laughter is god's way of praying to us.

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NASA admits theory of infinite space may be the result of leaving lens cap on | NewsBiscuit

NASA admits theory of infinite space may be the result of leaving lens cap on | NewsBiscuit | enjoy yourself | Scoop.it
‘It appears we may have got it all wrong’ a NASA spokesman admitted today during a hastily arranged press conference at The Kennedy Space Centre, Houston. ‘It has come to our attention that set procedures were not followed during the taking of the original pictures of space but hey, we've all made that mistake. That sunset summer holiday snap in Crete, the graduation hand shake, a child's first steps, those never to be repeated moments captured instead with a deep, infinite blackness, it's easily done’. This will cause further embarrassment for NASA as it comes just weeks after the disclosure that the recently captured supernova in Ursa Minor was actually the photographer’s thumb creeping into the frame. NASA has been working hard to develop its technology to cope with the demands of the space age. ‘It can be tricky taking photos in space’ said astronaut Eugene A. Cernan. ‘Those big gloves make pressing the button really difficult. You try setting the timer and running back into position wearing those cumbersome space suits; it's harder than you might think.’
Kenneth Weene's insight:

I love a good laugh. How about you?

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Tax credits cause cancer, claims Osborne | NewsBiscuit

Tax credits cause cancer, claims Osborne | NewsBiscuit | enjoy yourself | Scoop.it
In a surprise announcement by the Chancellor, the British public have been warned that suckling on the welfare teat is worse than 'smoking processed meats'. George Osborne has defended his decision to cut tax credits as an attempt to save lives, combat salami-handouts and low-wage beef jerky. A spokesman for Mr. Osborne said: 'We've been trying to warn the public, that the welfare state is bad for your health - particularly with our funding of the NHS. Pensions can cause diabetes. Your Housing Allowance will give your herpes. And Disability Benefit causes...um...well...disability'.
Kenneth Weene's insight:

Interesting satire. Do conservatives see the needs of others as being caused not by chance or misfortune but by the attempts to help? It certainly sounds that way when you listen to American Republicans. My guess is that was part of the reason that the caring people of Canada changed direction in their latest election.

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NRA calls for more guns in Syria | NewsBiscuit

NRA calls for more guns in Syria | NewsBiscuit | enjoy yourself | Scoop.it
America's National Rifle Association has identified a lack of guns in Syria as the reason for the high number of deaths from shootings there. A spokesman said: 'That mass shooting at a military checkpoint would never have happened if someone had already shot the people who did it.'
Kenneth Weene's insight:

Got to love the insanity that is us.

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‘Manspread’ to replace butter | NewsBiscuit

‘Manspread’ to replace butter | NewsBiscuit | enjoy yourself | Scoop.it
The online Oxford dictionary has added the act of 'manspreading' as a low-fat alternative to 'moisturising your toast'. This somewhat unconventional spread involves rubbing cooked vegetables on the inner thighs of a hirsute man; this condiment then releases water-in-fat emulsion combined with the heady aroma of a festering jock-strap. The origins of manspread date back to the Napoleonic era, when aroused Frenchmen would regularly ferment cream in the folds of their 'nether regions’. Subsequently this butter substitute has proved very popular among dieters, who claim that calorie intake is significantly reduced when food is smeared in unappetising man juice.
Kenneth Weene's insight:

If this doesn't make you laugh, it will surely make you barf.

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Migrants face ‘milk and honey ban’ at UK Supermarkets | NewsBiscuit

Migrants face ‘milk and honey ban’ at UK Supermarkets | NewsBiscuit | enjoy yourself | Scoop.it
David Cameron has unveiled emergency legislation to forbid the sale of milk and honey products to those who do not have the legal right to be in Britain. News of the ban has resulted in what French police are calling ‘an almost instant’ solution to the crisis at Calais, with migrants packing up and heading back to their war torn dictatorships, where death or long term poverty awaits, rather than face a lifetime in the UK with only lemon tea and black coffee to drink.
Kenneth Weene's insight:

And the right wing in the Unites States is insisting that all streets of gold be repaved with lettuce in need of picking.

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Islamic State launches comparethejihad.com | NewsBiscuit

Islamic State launches comparethejihad.com | NewsBiscuit | enjoy yourself | Scoop.it
Islamic state hopes to help jihadists “find a way of waging war against the infidel that’s right for you” by launching a jihad comparison website, it was confirmed today. “There’s a huge confusing market, particularly in afterlife care,” said a spokesman. “Al Shabab in the Maghreb has instant paradise on a kill-as-you-go deal, whereas Al Qaeda in the Yemen is offering unlimited virgins on a 24 month contract. How do you decide?”
Kenneth Weene's insight:

Meanwhile, Al Qaeda Tourism is offering a special kill-the-world tour featuring ancient sites demolished by various jihadist groups and culminating with a car-bombing in your choice of Israel, Syria, Lebanon, Egypt, or—for those who like topless beaches—the Cote D'azure.

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Groundhog predicts nine depressing months of Trump deluge | NewsBiscuit

Groundhog predicts nine depressing months of Trump deluge | NewsBiscuit | enjoy yourself | Scoop.it
In a departure from the traditional ceremony held annually in the Pennsylvania town, groundhog Phil refused to be drawn on whether the foresaw an early spring or another six weeks of winter. However, Groundhog Club President Bill Deeley claims that Phil emerged reluctantly from his hole to tell him that Americans could look forward to ' another nine months of moronic non-sequiturs from Trump and the dim-witted bigots that support him'.
Kenneth Weene's insight:

Well, we had to know this bit of humor was coming. 

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Match-fixers still can’t make Tennis interesting | NewsBiscuit

Match-fixers still can’t make Tennis interesting | NewsBiscuit | enjoy yourself | Scoop.it
Despite the best efforts of organised crime, secret files reveal widespread ‘boredom’ even at the top levels of the game.  Illicit syndicates may have manipulated the outcome of Wimbledon matches, but they have done very little to make the sport more engaging to watch; with an Andy Murray anecdote considered to be the season’s ‘highlight’. Tennis or as it is known to its fans - ‘two posh kids hitting a ball back and forth’ - has had a chequered history in terms of excitement; with Bill Cosby alleged to have used footage to comatose his dates.
Kenneth Weene's insight:

Pretty much how I feel about all professional sports. I keep wondering why people care about watching other people playing games. 

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Three Little Pigs awarded contract to build 13,000 new homes | NewsBiscuit

Three Little Pigs awarded contract to build 13,000 new homes | NewsBiscuit | enjoy yourself | Scoop.it
The Prime Minister has taken the unprecedented decision to be guided by fairy tales from the land-of-make-believe or his ‘big society’ as he calls it. Drawing on the construction acumen of a family firm of pigs - claiming a long history of ‘keeping the wolf from the door’ - David Cameron has said that best examples of affordable housing are fictitious, citing numerous gingerbread residences as an example.
Kenneth Weene's insight:
While this satiric piece is aimed at the British government, it is universal in both the amour and the truth. Meanwhile, if you want another great read, might I suggest A Tale of Three Pighs by Sal Buttaci? Here's the link Amazon link: http://www.amazon.com/Tale-Three-Pighs-Salvatore-Buttaci-ebook/dp/B015BWSBPM/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1452007626&sr=1-1&keywords=Pighs
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Donald Trump holds back | NewsBiscuit

Donald Trump holds back | NewsBiscuit | enjoy yourself | Scoop.it
Friends and supporters of the presidential candidate have expressed concern that Mr. Trump is watering down his message of ‘love and liberal building regulations’ in order to position himself only ‘slightly to the right’ of Genghis Khan. Mr. Trump has been criticised by other Republican hopefuls that he is pandering to moderates with his ban of Muslims, labelling of all Mexicans as rapists and ‘strangling of puppies’ on live TV. A Trump spokeswoman assured voters however: ‘Trump-lite still packs a punch. It’s like adulterated heroin. It’s still addictive. It’s still bad for you. And more than probably, it’s mixed with rat poison’. However one Republican remained unconvinced: ‘If I just wanted a deranged rant from an elderly racist with crazy hair, I’d have bought Mel Gibson a drink.’
Kenneth Weene's insight:

We may not be able to get them to think, but at least we can still laugh at the lunatic fringe.

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Progress at climate talks as world agrees cardboard to go out on a Tuesday night | NewsBiscuit

Progress at climate talks as world agrees cardboard to go out on a Tuesday night | NewsBiscuit | enjoy yourself | Scoop.it
An agreement that cardboard for recycling will be put out on a Tuesday night has been reached at the UN climate summit in Paris. The historic deal will see cardboard across the developed world kerbside and ready for collection on a Wednesday morning, though it is acknowledged that some less developed countries may not manage until after lunchtime.
Kenneth Weene's insight:

With the state of the world rapidly decaying it's good to know our political leaders are making progress towards total ineptitude.

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Man imprisoned for failing to provide an Amazon review | NewsBiscuit

Man imprisoned for failing to provide an Amazon review | NewsBiscuit | enjoy yourself | Scoop.it
'We must have sent him four emails asking for a review, but he just ignored them,' said an Amazon spokesman today. 'He hadn't marked the product as a gift, so there was no reason to not provide a review,' he added. Judge Roberts commented when sentencing Billy Askew (24) from Winsford to three months in gaol that: 'it was every on-line shopper's civic duty to provide a review, even if it's clearly horseshit'.
Kenneth Weene's insight:

All right you readers, let's get those reviews up or I'll sic the chicken on you.

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Gay Catholics to remain in cages until Pope Francis clarifies stance | NewsBiscuit

Gay Catholics to remain in cages until Pope Francis clarifies stance | NewsBiscuit | enjoy yourself | Scoop.it
Following last month's three-week Synod, the Pope has still not provided a clear message on the future of Catholic homosexuals, thousands of whom remain locked up inside the Vatican. Conservative bishops continue to assert that God made Adam and Eve and not Adam and Sanjeev - a common Hindi boy's name missing from the New Testament. A UN resolution to liberate the prisoners through a military invasion has been singlehandedly blocked by Russia, with critics alleging that Vladimir Putin has still not accepted Eurovision 2014 being won by a drag queen. Pope Francis explained ‘My hands are tied. Each time I say something nice about the gays, a bishop warns me to pipe the fuck down. And the Lord has gone all quiet again, the spineless bastard. Sometimes I have complete doubt whether He even exists. I'll probably get bollocked for saying that now.’
Kenneth Weene's insight:

All I can add is the Mormon Church should be thankful that News Biscuit is a UK satire site. Good lord, what they could do with the right kind of underwear. Meanwhile, in Vatican City, there is a "love-in" in protest that the Pope has refused to approve pedophilia.

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Lamb of God ‘doesn’t want to take away the sins of the world’ | NewsBiscuit

Lamb of God ‘doesn’t want to take away the sins of the world’ | NewsBiscuit | enjoy yourself | Scoop.it
Colin, a six-month-old Merino lamb at a farm in Norfolk who was recently named by the Almighty creator of Heaven and Earth as the latest in a series of beasts whose sacrifice will somehow blot out every awful thing humanity has done since the last time, has questioned the logic of the system. He has also joined with other ovines in calling for a review of the working relationship between the two species. 'OK, so we're not the brightest, I get that. Nine hours eating grass and eight hours ruminating every day doesn't leave you a lot of time for abstract thought,' said Colin, 'but even I managed to work out what the role involves. No thanks. Find another dumb animal to symbolise things for a change. How about squirrels? They're thick as pigshit.' 'And while I'm on, we're grateful you exterminated the wolves, really we are, but this is getting a bit one-sided now. You take our coats to make sweaters, you nick our mothers' milk to turn into cheese, you even seem to want to put our dung on your crops for some reason. And what the hell happened to all my mates from springtime?'
Kenneth Weene's insight:

It may not be Easter, but it is time for this great piece of satire.

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Benjamin Netanyahu claims Holocaust Denial is now kosher | NewsBiscuit

Benjamin Netanyahu claims Holocaust Denial is now kosher | NewsBiscuit | enjoy yourself | Scoop.it
Despite Germany re-affirming their role in the Final Solution, Israel's Prime Minister has decided that Palestinians were to blame for the WW2 genocide. Although Palestine is a mere 1040 kilometres from Berlin, Mr. Netanyahu is convinced that Adolf Hitler was led astray by the then Grand Mufti of Jerusalem; causing Mr. Hitler to put aside his love of Jewish culture, renowned tolerance  and a ‘promising’ career in water colours. Although Haj Amin al-Husseini met Hitler after the Holocaust began, Mr. Netanyahu explained that Palestinians may have had time-travel capability – which is contrary to the Torah.
Kenneth Weene's insight:

It isn't easy to find the humor in the Israeli-Palestinian horror and it's even harder to get me to laugh about the Holocaust, but this bit or satire does the job. That it also shows Netanyahu to be a total ass makes it even better.

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EU fence-making industry booming | NewsBiscuit

EU fence-making industry booming | NewsBiscuit | enjoy yourself | Scoop.it
With the migrant crisis showing no signs of abating, the EU today reported that the fastest growing industry within its borders is the manufacture of fences. The news came on the back of reports that both Croatia and Slovenia are considering controls on their borders, similar to the ones implemented by Hungary over the last week. With both Hungary and Bulgaria looking to fences as a method to control the flow into their countries, the news has further bolstered the burgeoning fence industry.
Kenneth Weene's insight:

This may be satire, but it hits close to home. And a home is what people need. It is a basic need that so many people around the world are forced to do without. How sad.

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Chinese economy to become largest online betting site | NewsBiscuit

Chinese economy to become largest online betting site | NewsBiscuit | enjoy yourself | Scoop.it
Betfair, Paddy Power and 'all our pension funds' are set to merge into the world's most irresponsible gambling company – China™. Punters will be able to speculate 24/7 on fickle share prices, cocaine-fuelled investment analysts and the 'three-thirty at Newmarket'. The Shanghai Composite has already fallen 16% in week, due to an accumulator bet involving the success of three rank-outsiders - Jeremy Corbyn, Leicester City FC and 'peace with Iran'. One excited gambler said: 'It's a real adrenaline rush, betting my mortgage on everyone else's mortgage. And for once, the odds are really stacked against the banker'.
Kenneth Weene's insight:

The think about good satire,there's always enough truth to make people uncomfortable.

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Cameron wins Greece in EU negotiation | NewsBiscuit

Cameron wins Greece in EU negotiation | NewsBiscuit | enjoy yourself | Scoop.it
A rather quizzical British Prime Minister left the Brussels summit last night arm in arm with an equally confused Greek PM, Alexis Tsipras. Having promised to leave the talks with an improved deal for the UK, a sheepish Mr. Cameron emerged from the proceedings as the proud new owner of a bankrupt Greek economy, seven cans of old paint and a four pack of AA batteries ‘with two missing’.
Kenneth Weene's insight:

Meanwhile, the United States is the proud new sponsor of an ISIS Demolition Derby Team and is in contention for a chunk of the Gaza Strip that has been reduced to rubble. All prizes must be claimed or they will be delivered by Amazon drone; the original delivery contract was with the CIA, but they seem incapable of the task.

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