Bill O'Rielly Rides A Rocket-Cycle
2 views | +0 today
Follow
Bill O'Rielly Rides A Rocket-Cycle
A wonderful mixture of terrible ideas and Rolling Stones records.
Curated by Jim Nixon
Your new post is loading...
Your new post is loading...
Scooped by Jim Nixon
Scoop.it!

Bizarre Record Store Mixup Causes Mass Panic

Yesterday, a major record store in downtown Vancouver recieved a shipment of copies of Dragonforce's new album, The Power Within. However, as many customers soon discovered, the power wasn't within. Instead of a kickass Dragonforce album, they had in fact purchased a cheap classic rock compilation.

 

"I was mortified; the CD inside barely contained anything good! It was mostly one-hit wonders and a couple of Beatles songs! Luckily, I was able to find Blue Oyster Cult's Don't Fear The Reaper, which managed to supress the violent urges I felt growing inside me as I heard the song 'Duke of Earl' for the fourteenth time," cried one customer, who was presently attempting to beat a man to death with a cardboard cutout of Herman Li.

 

Apparently, the shipping company mixed up The Power Within and Even More Crappy Music Volume 15. Thousands of unsuspecting old people had sudden heart attacks when presented with the awesomeness of Dragonforce. Over 10,000 deaths were reported during Give Me The Night, and despite the calm opening, Wings Of Liberty has been declared the worst loss of life since the second world war.

 

For some reason, I'm listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd while writing this. How can I talk about the badassery of Dragonforce while listening the Free Bird's kickass guitar solo? Wait, Skynyrd's kickass? I need to see a doctor!

 

"Give it to me straight, doc. What's wrong with me?"

 

"I'm afraid that you're going to have to learn to cry thunder and storm through burning fields before you can ever consider yourself a metal fan again. Also, there may be a jester with no tears playing off your fears."

 

Cue 80s montage of me trying to listen to metal again. Montages are so much fun, aren't they? It's like in Rocky, except instead of Sylvester Stallone training for boxing, it's me being an idiot.

 

Oh no! Freebird's over! I'm listening to Skrillex! I hate dubstep! Why do I even have it on my MP3 player? AAAAAAAAAAAND I skipped it. Ok, Through The Fire And Flames. Why didn't I think of just changing the song? God I'm a moron.

more...
No comment yet.
Scooped by Jim Nixon
Scoop.it!

Today There Are Fishes

Today There Are Fishes | Bill O'Rielly Rides A Rocket-Cycle | Scoop.it

Today there are fishes swimming in water near places. That's what Wilt Chamberlain, formerly of the Harlem Globetrotters, thought when he went for a drunken Taco Bell run yesterday. As soon as he pulled up to the drive-thru, he realised that his decorative car-fishes were beginning to come loose. As soon as he finished ordering, a large salmon broke through the roof and stabbed him in the head, like in that one episode of the X-Files. Luckily, a quick-thinking employee managed to dislodge the fish using only a sombrero and a poor understanding of the English language. Mr. Chamberlain is currently recovering in the hospital, owing his life to a fast food employee, who was deported to Mexico earlier today, despite the fact that he is a Chinese immigrant.

 

"Driving cars covered in fish is a real problem in today's world," stated Federal Fish-Car Minister Fishy McCarr, "All these young people think that fish are fun things to put on their car, but they're wrong. What happens when the party stops? It's tearing our youth apart! What's America coming to?"

Mr. McCarr refused to comment on the fact that he is, in fact, a Canadian citizen.

more...
No comment yet.