Irn Bru 'racist and hypocritical'
Saturday, 06 April
By Isa Holder, Our Business Correspondent
Soft drinks firm AG Barr has been accused of "the most outrageous hypocrisy" by pressure group "Bulldogs for Britain".
Barr's released their "New Fella" advert, which is part of their "Irn-Bru Gets You Through" campaign, while simultaneously asking all parties to “respect Irn-Bru’s neutrality on political matters”.
A Bulldog spokesbitch said, "Barr's are simply a compliant agent in a foul racist conspiracy that will eventually release a holocaust on English bulldogs when the Great Eck gives the signal.
"For many years, everyone who has drunk the tap water supplied by the separatist controlled company, Scottish Water, has been fed a complex chemical compound that alters the genetic structure of consumers into racists who loathe anything associated with the English. Only those who are sophisticated enough to drink expensive recycled pish from non-Scottish sources are immune from this dastardly scheme.
"To prevent a premature outbreak of violence, mayhem, rape, pillage and murder, a way had to be found to deliver a temporary antidote to the population, and Barr's agreed to be the delivery mechanism. A secret ingredient (which is what makes it taste of bubble gum) in Irn-Bru delivers a restraining mechanism on Scots which keeps their murderous tendencies under a degree of control."
BBC Scotlandshire keeps a top team of malpracticing school science technicians on retainer to investigate, and authoritatively pronounce on, such allegations, to ensure that you are not subjected to spoof stories. Strict quality control is ensured by Chairchoob Ian Davidson MP (Foundation Science - failed)
The Chairchoob informed us of the results of their detailed analysis. "Ah hid a swally o' some Glesga tap watter, an it tasted funny, nae like the rerr watter in London. In a minute or twa, I jist winted tae banjo ony English bitch ah could see. Efter ah hid a swally o' Irn-Bru, athing gaed back tae normal - an ah jist winted tae banjo ony Scotch bitch ah could see. Nae doobt aboot it, somebody's pished in the watter somewhere."
Media analyst, Saeonythin Furaquid, provided a detailed analysis of the offending ad. "Firstly, we know that Scots are wholly unable to laugh at caricatures of themselves, so all cultural references to, and representations of, themselves that they produce are serious - and match what we read in the Daily Mail. A transactional analysis of the story line shows the typical racist Scots father incensed that his daughter may be having sexual relations with a young man, purely because of his English accent, support of the English soccer team and glorying in his only national victory in 1966 - long before he was born. Drugging himself with Irn-Bru allows the father to smile and accept the situation.
Bulldog salutes the British flag
"As a political metaphor, the second part works less well. Irn-Bru also allows the Scot to remain in a drug induced stupor while the English bulldog takes a dump on the Saltire. This is simply regrettable Scots self-obsession. The English bulldog has successfully defecated on the flags of most nations - except the Cross of St George, of course. It has been suggested that it has also shat on the Union Jack, but that theory is untestable, as that flag is associated with so much shite anyway."
Controversially, Irn-Bru's anti-separatist secret ingredient has been enthusiastically welcomed in a number of countries whose governments are concerned to curb separatist movements.
Due to its effectiveness, Irn-Bru is manufactured in five factories in the Russian Federation, as well as in Canada, USA, Spain, Germany, Greece, Belgium and Cyprus - all of which have separatist movements.
It is significant that its sale was banned in Norway in February 2010, once it was discovered that drinkers there immediately advocated a return to Swedish rule, and abandoning all claims to Norwegian oil.