BBC Scotlandshire Investigations: Cybernat Terror Camps
Thursday, 07 February 2013 12:51
By Akmed Bin-Lid, our Terror and Scaremongering Correspondent
In the last few weeks BBC Scotlandshire has been investigating an alarming new development at the extreme fringes of the separation debate. Cybernats are putting down their keyboards, tablets and smartphones to move into the real offline world, right into the heart of the communities of Scotlandshire.
Further these extremists have been receiving insurgency training in specialist separatist terror camps and are already on active operations against our glorious United Kingdom.
Our investigations have also discovered links to an underground terror campaign group called "YES Scotland" who’re known to target Bitter the Gither campaigners, politicians and policies.
This report is not for the faint hearted nor U-KOK supporters who’ve just had their wee sausage roll sitting beside a roaring fire with their wee dog lying at their feet.
Specialist YES separation terror camps are being set-up all over Scotlandshire to train Cybernats and other separation extremists in the art of spreading their vile message. Trainees, specially selected due to their online activities, are given the skills and weapons to bring their nefarious war onto the streets of Scotlandshire. Terror operations are already happening day in day out.
One such terror operation involved a specialist Hunter Killer Cybernat Shell sent onto the beaches looking for Ruth Davidson’s infamous, “Scotlandshire devolution and no further" line in the sand. She had adopted this poor disabling policy in the run up to the Scotlandshire Conservative Leadership Beauty Pageant, where she beat hottie favourite Murdar Fraser MSP to win the Tory Crown of Shambolic Worthlessness.
Ms Davidson told this reporter: “I really truly believed we had found a safe location for the line in the sand not far from Gordon Brown’s house in North Queensferry, but those darn Cybernats are dastardly relentless in their devotion to El Presidente Salmond and his separation cause!”
Almost in tears, Ms Davidson bravely choked out: “My poor line didn’t stand a chance against a barrage of YESsing extremists. The photographs released on the Internet just show how inhumane these vile people are when it comes to poor defenceless pro-Union lines in the sand.”
She confided: “This whole affair has left me with the most horrendous night terrors! I still wake in the middle of the night screaming for Auntie Annabel. ”
BBC Scotlandshire managed to track down a member of the Yes Inverkeithing Separation Terror Shell who informed us that not a single line in the sand was hurt, he stated: “Line, more like lines! There were so many redrawn lines that we had to call in John Swinney MSP to count them.”
He further explained no force or violence was used against the lines: “Once we explained the case for an independent Scotland the lines automatically and immediately realigned into a ‘YES’ – no coercion was required nor threats made.”
On the same day late in January, a controlled explosion took place on a Sunday afternoon to deal with an IED terror device left at the North Queensferry home of the former Prime Minister Gordon Brown.
BBC Scotlandshire received a coded warning from a cell of separatist extremists on Sunday morning warning us of the Independence Explanation Document that had been left deployed at the former Prime Minister’s home in Scotlandshire. The caller spoke in a strange dialect with a southern Fife accent. We had to have it translated.
The separatist warned: “An LFI is about to go off in North Queensferry at the home of a Fife MP who’s forgot where his constituency office is located!“
He concluded with a sinister warning to other pro-Union politician: “This is only the first of many operations. You have been warned!”
Being a responsible broadcaster we immediately speed-dialled Jim Murphy MP to inform him of the threat, but he struggled to think of anyone of significance to SLAB in North Queensferry or indeed anywhere in Fife. He responded: “Nope! Struggling here. All the important people stay in the Central Belt. It is probably just a hoax!”
Luckily one of the BBC Scotlandshire unpaid interns, who got the job based on her student day links to SLAB and because she’s on Workfare, knew exactly who was being targeted. “OMG! It is the former Prime Minister Gordon Brown!”, she exclaimed.
An encrypted telegraph message was sent by BBC Scotlandshire to a specialist British Army Disposal Unit under the command of Major Cockers, who rushed to the scene, via a quick stop at the local off-license, to defuse the incendiary device and to detain any separatists who were still milling around.
The former Prime Minister was at home but unaware of the danger he was in until Major Cockers turned up about half a day later. Mr Brown told BBC Scotlandshire: “I had just returned from a lovely church service with the family, ready for a banquet fit for this King, but had no idea of the terrorist operation being carried out right on my doorstep!”
“I didn’t even have time to adopt the usual position of hiding behind the sofa with the wife and kids between me and the threat.”
“Just as well I didn’t know or I’d have lived up to my name!”
Major Cockers, U-KOK hero of the day, he saved the man who saved the world
During the debriefing meeting, Major Cockers told waiting journalists: “The separatists were in and out so quickly that the local coppers hardly had time to finish their cuppas. They must be some kind of Ninjas or something.”
“Under instruction from Mr Brown, he insisted, the leaflet was blown up in a controlled explosion to prevent it hurting any new young impressionable voter who has still to be brainwashed educated by the UK state.”
Major Cockers concluded: “I can happily confirm only the leaflet and the separatist cause were hurt in the incident.“
As always, Ian Davidson MP, Chairchoob of the Separation Committee on Traitorous Unionist Reptiles Trading Lies to Entrap Scotland had to comment on this story, even although the incident occurred on the other side of the country to his own constituency.
He roared: “Thank f—k Gordon is awright! He's a complete shoe-in for an Ermine robe in the next couple ay years. Well if that auld Tory cow Annabel Goldie, thit dus he-haw an aw, is bein tipped fur wan then it shoudnae be a problum for ma china, Smiler.
"He’ll be able to pull me up an aw, efter aw my select committee wurk deceiving the plebs an giein thon natz a right doin. I f—kin deserve to be at the reward trough 'sooner rather than later' – 'Better the Gither' with wee Smiler Broon in their Lordship's Hoose. Magic!”
Coffee spluttering alert...