'Better No' campaign's failure leaves scientists astounded
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
By Sly Youngman, our Undercover Reporter
The Higgs Boson - easier to find than the +ve case
Scientists have today announced that they are astounded by the confirmation of the discovery of the elusive Higgs Boson.
It had been hoped that a previously unknown boson discovered in 2012, and which was being studied to see if it was indeed the Higgs Boson, would turn out to be the so-called 'God particle'.
But in a dramatic twist we have discovered that the 'Better No' campaign, led by Alistair Darling, had beaten the scientists to the discovery, A 'Better No' spokesman stated:
We were looking for the positive case for the union, a case so small that it is not visible to the naked eye. We decided to look at the sub-atomic level to see if that's where it was hiding, a move which prompted us to change from calling it the positive case to the +Ve case... you get it... no... well err anyway, we were extremely disappointed to have merely discovered the Higgs Boson instead."
This seback for the 'Better No' campaign is the latest in a long line of disappointments. Speaking to BBC Scotlandshire, a 'Better No' researcher recounted the story of their search so far:
In summer 2012 we sent an expedition into the jungles of the Philippines in search of the +Ve Case. Unfortunately the expedition was a complete failure having only uncovered Yamashita's gold, the fabled treasure plundered by the Japanese during World War II. The treasure had been hidden in caves, tunnels and underground complexes in the Philippines and remained undiscovered for 67 years until our 'Better No' researchers unearthed it.
"Salvage of the treasure was immediately contracted out to a company owned by Tory grandees on the basis that the UK gets to keep 10% as a finder's fee, a very reasonable deal! This money is to go towards the proposed 'Wars in countries populated by brown people' slush account. A fund set up to provide peace of mind to UK voters that their hard earned taxes will not be spent bombing poor countries into further poverty while removing their resources. Of course as defence is not devolved there will be no Barnett consequentials.
"After the debacle of finding Yamashita's gold instead of the +Ve case, we planned a new expedition to Egypt in the belief that the +Ve case may have been misplaced in 1922 by British Adventurer George Edward Stanhope Molyneux Herbert (5th Earl of Carnarvon) when working on the tomb of Tutankhamun.
"Once again this led to failure as we were only able to discover the lost treasures of the Pharaohs'. We opened the tomb in the Valley of the Kings and couldn't believe our eyes, the disappointment was palpable.
"From Egypt we followed further clues tracking the +Ve case to the 'New World' and began our search in the Caymans. This followed a tip off that the last chancellor to be in possession of the +Ve case was Harold Macmillan in 1956, on a trip to the Caymans before he became Prime Minister.
"On this occasion we were investigating a series of caves along the coast that had been visited by Macmillan and his friends during a picnic. Again the trail was a false one, with our 'Better No' campaign finding only Blackbeard's Treasure.
"The treasure itself is quite large despite the famous pirate spending only two years plundering the high seas. While the Spanish were busy robbing all the gold and silver they could get from South America, Blackbeard and his mates waited patiently, attacking the treasure-laden ships as they sailed back to Spain. Its discovery has been a great benefit to Austerity Britain where it will aid in the construction of the London to Birmingham Rail link, London Sewers, and the New London Airport (Boris Island) UK infrastructure projects, which due to the rules on such projects beneficial to the UK means there will be no Barnett consequentials to either Walesshire, Scotlandshire or Loyalistshire.
"Our 'Better No' research team continued our search and began looking at the sub-atomic possibilities for the +Ve case. Needless to say, this latest failure is disheartening but we shall continue the search and have even begun preparing for our next campaign.
"It is believed that the +Ve case may have been lost during a WWII convoy mission to America and is currently residing 3.7 miles down under the ocean in the Laurentian Abyss. We have already contacted Hollywood filmmaker James Cameron for his expertise in sub-sea exploration and intend to make a 3D HD movie about the finding of the +Ve case to be released in 2014 before the referendum."
BBC Scotlandshire is eagerly awaiting the results of this latest campaign to find the +Ve case for the union. If any alert readers out there have any clues as to its whereabouts please contact us!
NEWS FLASH Nationalists demoralised by latest poll.
In an Angus Reid poll today, only 23% of Scots would leave the Union, while 45% would stay in, with 33% choosing the 3rd option "Couldnae gie a shite".
Leader of the Natz, Niggle Forage said, "We are pissed that the evil Unionists have used their proganda machine to present a positive case for the Union. We had hoped that our relentless negativity would have been more successful. We will continue our campaign to separate from Europe."