Ryler Bixby, one-time operator of the Coney Island amusement ride which was known as "The Toppler" was the first on record to use the phrase "candy-ass".
Bixby's term wasn't meant to refer to effeminate customers or poorly-constructed amusements. Rather, it was in reference to the food being served.
Popular among the park cuisine are the desserts, and when in season, Coney Island vendors sold three main types of coated apples on sticks: caramel, jelly coconut, and hardshell candy-coated apples. Bixby,a Vegan who found all the park fare to his disliking, often remarked about what he felt were the frivolous buying habits of patrons. "Hell," he told one friend, "they could advertise candied ass and plenty of folks would be fool enough to buy it."
It was nearly impossible to predict what Aunt Thelma would do at our family reunions. One year she made a red velvet cake shaped like a tampon. Another time she purposely ingested some kind of medicine that made her fart furiously for hours. That was the year we held it on a small enclosed porch (never again).
This past year Thelma delighted in ambushing distant relatives who were not completely aware of the extent of her mania, and asking for photos with them. In all these pictures, she found some way to introduce either one or both of her remarkably sagging breasts.
In a crushing blow to the new upstart adult toy manufacturer Squatco, a multi-million dollar deal with the Royal Carribean chain has fallen-through when the company called their new adult android sex models "not alluring and in fact rather disturbing."
The deal, which originally would have used the androids as "special services" room service options for guests, has now left Royal Carribean re-thinking their strategy, and Squatco with an unspecified number of rather creepy, unsold sex toys.
"That's not the design we were after at all," said a spokesperson for Royal Carribean. "We wanted something to help our stressed-out guests relax and release tension, not feel as if they were part of a Borg invasion."
Really, all these fancy detergent ads just made no sense to her. Mountain this and Fresh Spring that. Were they region-specific or something? How was she supposed to know which one to buy; she lived in a mostly flat area. Nobody advertised Flatlands detergent. And besides, at the end of the day, she was wearing more semen than cloth. How would they market that one?
Christian television personality Pat Robertson stoked controversy today by telling a female caller that disobedient wives should be spanked by their husbands. On a segment on the long-running 700 Club the 83-year-old ...
Cindy Lou thought that all her worldly problems would be lifted the day she married the hunky Bo Tiddles. But her first clue that something was amiss came when she noticed so many men we weeping in the chapel as they were wed---men she did not know.
Her second clue came when Bo himself suggested they be "extra pure" and not consummate their marriage "for a rational stretch of time." But it wasn't until the day of their picnic, out in an empty field as man and wife, when she leaned back, gently lifted her white dress, and guided his hand down to her special place...that was her final confirmation. Bo actually pulled back a little, and when she got his fingers to the right spot, he gave it what she could only describe as a sort of handshake. Then it seemed like he was trying sign language.
"Jasper Collins," he had muttered once, in his sleep.
Hoot Billingham, lead singer of the girl group Fatal Taxi, is seen here about to receive an unexpected whomping guitar strike to the buttocks from the group's oft-maligned bassist and lyricist, Deebra Patomay.
"She keeps gettin' me words wrong," explained Patomay. "Thinks she can improvise, but my words need to be true. Like in our song 'FunkMonkey PantyWaist' my original line was 'You think you can jam with his heart in your hand' and she changed it to 'You stink like a clam with his junk in your sand.' It was just too fookin' much for me to stand."
We’ve all seen porn. We’ve all heard rumors about Erol Flynn and Liam Neeson. Grace Slick won’t shut up about Jim Morrison’s show-stopping custard-chucker. There are some truly famous tallywhackers out there. But it’s worth asking - if only just for the hell of it - who’s was the greatest dick of all? Was it John Holmes? John Dillinger? Mini-Me?
This is just one of those articles--if it weren't properly written, it would be a sideshow nothing. But the author does a level and interesting, boderline sassy job of presenting it...it's one of those details of hsitory I had never learned.
The reception was perhaps the most boring affair she could have imagined. Guests were late, drinks were weak, and she concluded that most of them were inebriated from stupidity and not alcohol. To top it all off, her shoes had at some point gotten wet and shrunk slightly, and their straps and buckles served as a constant reminder of the evening's nagging anguish.
Uncle Edward had grabbed her bum, three sheets to the wind, grinning like he was some Cuban druglord. Aunt Flores had told her what a fat and disappointing niece she had been, and how the other relatives had chuckled for days at one of her macaroni school projects. Were they trying to test if she had matured, had moved on from the fits of rage which had marked her adolescense.
Cheap white wine mixed with sugar in their gas tanks would soon yield the answer.
When she got home, she told herself, she would sleep the sleep of the dead.
A novel form of crime has recently surfaced in the Boynton Beach area, and recent victims have reported losing their wallets, purses and moneyclips to a thief who uses neither hands or feet to snatch the goods.
Velma Merkle, an unemployed exotic dancer, has been accused of using her considerable gluteal girth and musculature to clench the goods from unsuspecting tourists as she flirts with them, or pretends to do a dance routine with an accomplice filming her for distraction.
"We were going to spend a lovely weekend here," said Jason Parks from Palmdale. "We were in front of one of the shops and I still had my wallet out, when she came and started dancing closer and closer. I thought it was just streetside entertainment, but after she had rubbed up against me and moved around the corner, I realized my wallet was gone, and her hands never even touched me. Now I don't even have enough money for one meal, and I've asked my parents to Western Union me some funds. They didn't believe me when I told them how I think I was robbed."
"It sounds a bit like Alice Cooper, screaming in his sleep," said noted music critc Jay Lansby of the new goth band Prom Enema, pictured above posing for the cover of their debut cd, "Zombie Abortionist".
"I'm not sure who plays what," said Lansby, "and I've actually seen them live. Most of the time, they seem offended by the instruments, and mildly pissed-off about something else. Part of their allure is trying to guess what, I suppose."
Prom Enema will be embarking on a three-week tour of northwestern Pennsylvania this August.
Pope Benedict XVI announced today that he has resigned his papacy because he is gay and "could no longer live a lie." In a statement released to Italian news media the 85-year-old departing pontiff says he is relieved to be coming out after eight...
She just had to do it, just once. The Fiat of Johnny DeAngelo was too irresistible a target to ignore. Let him stay inside and have his dinner at the swanky Cafe Upton. Soon he would learn that not all his fans could be so easily discarded; for on his dashboard, like an angry dessert, she would leave what she truly thought of him.
"White has always been saucy, but her dirty old lady act is a recent development........The story of how such a versatile actress was reduced to an adorable receptacle for penis jokes is also the story of the condescending way we treat old people on television today."
While I do have empathy for the serious angle and review of this subject, I'd be very curious to know if Betty White is simply amused and entertained, and perhaps pleased, by taking on these light endeavors at this point in her life. It need not be about elders being used for cheap laughs. Sometimes it's about having fun at what you do.
Dr. Floo Joo Ku looked up from his backissue of Scientific American and said to the half-disrobed Ariel, "It not your clotch. Plobem is your pits."
He went on to mix some "rare" herbs for her and charged her eighty dollars for them, instructing that she rub them under her arms each night.
Had Ariel read the article about enhancing her natural scent in order to become more attractive, she would have thought twice before applying Dr. Ku's dandelion, lawn grass and used tea leaf tea mixture.
Given the historic stigma around making, circulating, and possessing overtly homoerotic images, the visual arts have been especially important for providing a socially sanctioned arena for the depiction of the naked male body. They have even allowed the suggestion of homoerotic desire and physical affection within acceptable cultural and moral boundaries. Even so, much of the history of homoerotic image-making may be characterized by calculated ambiguity, coding, denial, and underground circulation.