The frittata was almost done. Spicy peppered eggs for a spicy lover. She was careful to shower, and make sure her dress was titanium white. Now, in the garden, relaxing on a stonework ledge, she would be the first thing he noticed when he came into that dreary old house and stood at the back patio window. Her absence of panties would make sure of that. And perhaps finally, he would realize that he not only wanted, but NEEDED the kind of woman who would break into his house and drug his dog just to cook him dinner.
"We're the first crew specializing in made-to-order break-up dances," explained Keenie Mickles of the dance group Sham-Bam. The Glenwich News rode along with the performers for one such errand, which began with an assembly on the lawn of the recipient, a quick doorbell ring, and, when answered, a blistering routine with chants of "You're finished" and "Unworthy" and "It's over." At the end of four minutes Bill Rothstich just stood in his doorway applauding. "It rather made me forget the purpose of why they had come," he said. And he added, "That bitch."
In the little known suburb of West Gatwickshire, just down the road from Heathley Ridge, there lives an order of nuns known as the Sisters of the Rapture. Here, at their 19th century flat, behind ivy-cloaked gates, the passer-by can hear various whizzings and moans at all hours of the day or night.
For decades their form of doing pennance was kept secret, but in recent years private audiences have been given, in exchange for undisclosed donations. Now, due to a land and structure re-assessment by the East Gatwick City Council, their building, an 1837 Greek-style structure with a grand foyer, has been declared "vitally historic" and has incurred a slew of new fees and regulations. So the Sisters of the Rapture are doing what any sensible order of nuns would do...
They're putting out a racy calendar to help cover expenses, and allowing tourists to view part of their sanctuary for reasonable admission fees.
"It's a banger idea that was brought about by necessity," said Stanley Jurvics, self-styled manager for the sisters.
Jason Lattermoss, officially the strongest man in Calgary who is under 4'5", has retired from the Jones Bros. House of Living Follies, one of the most popular theme museums in the province.
"I just don't need the pay anymore," Lattermoss explained. "I've got this sweet old lady who's rich, and she pays me just to hang around her mansion and serve donuts in the restroom--even when there's nobody there. It's frickin' sweet."
A spokesman for Jones Bros. declined to comment about Lattermos directly, but said, "These things are usually short-lived. Last year our bearded child quit because a Chechnyan candy company wanted her for a series of ads. Today she's right back in the museum."
A novel form of crime has recently surfaced in the Boynton Beach area, and recent victims have reported losing their wallets, purses and moneyclips to a thief who uses neither hands or feet to snatch the goods.
Velma Merkle, an unemployed exotic dancer, has been accused of using her considerable gluteal girth and musculature to clench the goods from unsuspecting tourists as she flirts with them, or pretends to do a dance routine with an accomplice filming her for distraction.
"We were going to spend a lovely weekend here," said Jason Parks from Palmdale. "We were in front of one of the shops and I still had my wallet out, when she came and started dancing closer and closer. I thought it was just streetside entertainment, but after she had rubbed up against me and moved around the corner, I realized my wallet was gone, and her hands never even touched me. Now I don't even have enough money for one meal, and I've asked my parents to Western Union me some funds. They didn't believe me when I told them how I think I was robbed."
"It sounds a bit like Alice Cooper, screaming in his sleep," said noted music critc Jay Lansby of the new goth band Prom Enema, pictured above posing for the cover of their debut cd, "Zombie Abortionist".
"I'm not sure who plays what," said Lansby, "and I've actually seen them live. Most of the time, they seem offended by the instruments, and mildly pissed-off about something else. Part of their allure is trying to guess what, I suppose."
Prom Enema will be embarking on a three-week tour of northwestern Pennsylvania this August.
In an unexpected industry move that seems to hold more risk than reward, HBO executive of special projects Rick DeVejas today announced the network will totally rework the theme of NBC's long-defunct hit show The Golden Girls.
"We've reworked it as younger independent women who are living together and having fun," explained DeVejas. "Yes, obviously there will be nudity, and profanity, but the crux of the show still centers on the humorous complexities of maintaining a vibrant and independent lifestyle."
Already massive protest emails have begun to hit the network, but the series is under contract for fourteen episodes which are planned to air in the spring.
Donna Mitchell is an English Literature PhD student of Mary Immaculate College, University of Limerick. Her thesis is entitled From Dolls to Demons: Tracing the Evolution of the Gothic Female through a Selection of Traditional and Non-Traditional Gothic Texts, and focuses on the female figure of Gothic literature. Her Master’s research and dissertation focused on the contemporary Gothic hero of Anne Rice’s work, and conference papers have centred specifically on the Gothic female. Her work will be included in the forthcoming Universal Vampire Volume II, due for publication in September 2013.
One-time YouTube hitman Ternello has emerged..well, sort of. The famedom-seeker salesman was recently spotted under a rock, polesmoking. Just last year he had taken a large financial loss due to an unwise investment in importing orange blancmanges.
He wrote recently on his Blogspot page, "I think doing 'gay stunts' is going to be the new cool. I can be a straight man and do these stunts everywhere. People will love them. You'll see. This week I'm stunting in the Boynton woods. Come and check it out!"
When Mario Lapaz of Cranchi, Venezuela went to work one moring in his suit jacket, long sleeve shirt, tie, and speedos, he wasn't making a fashion statement -- he was saving somebody's life.
The anonymous caller had told him that morning, "You don't do it, and she dies." And although Mario had no idea who the man could have been talking about, he certainly didn't want anyone to die, just because he wore pants.
He filed a report when he got to work, but authorities are still unsure what to make of the event.
Alan Thorpe, a resident of the quiet Bainbridge Isle neighborhood on Edmonton's west side, recently found himself in the awkward position of scribbling a hastily-worded note to his neighbor, Joel Fitzgibbons.
"It had been coming for a long time," explained Thorpe, "but what I saw that morning as I went out to get the paper just brought it all to a head."
The note, in part, said the following:
Would you please stop having your slutty wife poo on my lawn! I know you both enjoy bondage games, but that is something for the inside of your home and not the outside. Contrary to what she suggested as I reprimanded her as she did her business, I do not enjoy watching a grown woman, almost fully bound, struggle and contort herself to defecate near my mailbox. And I'm sure, without even feeling the need to ask, that our other neighbors would feel the same way about this display. Please come and clean it up, as whatever you are feeding her is making my petunias buckle, and see that it is not repeated."
Sporting light aquamarine shorts and a blush pink button-up, Gary Leitstadler is one smooth seducer of the ladies. Seen here with Angie Depew, one of his many fans, Gary is responsible for no less than 13 different pregnancies in his small hometown of Underwood Pass, MO.
Ryler Bixby, one-time operator of the Coney Island amusement ride which was known as "The Toppler" was the first on record to use the phrase "candy-ass".
Bixby's term wasn't meant to refer to effeminate customers or poorly-constructed amusements. Rather, it was in reference to the food being served.
Popular among the park cuisine are the desserts, and when in season, Coney Island vendors sold three main types of coated apples on sticks: caramel, jelly coconut, and hardshell candy-coated apples. Bixby,a Vegan who found all the park fare to his disliking, often remarked about what he felt were the frivolous buying habits of patrons. "Hell," he told one friend, "they could advertise candied ass and plenty of folks would be fool enough to buy it."
It was nearly impossible to predict what Aunt Thelma would do at our family reunions. One year she made a red velvet cake shaped like a tampon. Another time she purposely ingested some kind of medicine that made her fart furiously for hours. That was the year we held it on a small enclosed porch (never again).
This past year Thelma delighted in ambushing distant relatives who were not completely aware of the extent of her mania, and asking for photos with them. In all these pictures, she found some way to introduce either one or both of her remarkably sagging breasts.
In a crushing blow to the new upstart adult toy manufacturer Squatco, a multi-million dollar deal with the Royal Carribean chain has fallen-through when the company called their new adult android sex models "not alluring and in fact rather disturbing."
The deal, which originally would have used the androids as "special services" room service options for guests, has now left Royal Carribean re-thinking their strategy, and Squatco with an unspecified number of rather creepy, unsold sex toys.
"That's not the design we were after at all," said a spokesperson for Royal Carribean. "We wanted something to help our stressed-out guests relax and release tension, not feel as if they were part of a Borg invasion."