...let's look at what my own gift of prophecy tells me about what is coming in 2012 in the field of religion. If, by the end of the new year, you don't recall seeing any of what I predict coming true, you may be sure that it's only because you missed it.
*As a promotional tool, the United Methodist Church will ask Garrison Keillor to quit making fun of Lutherans and start making fun of Methodists.
*In city after city, new franchise liquor stores will spring up not far from Catholic churches, and each store will be named "And With Your Spirits." Church members who can ask for merlot in Latin will get an automatic 10 percent discount.
*To investigate what all of its previously appointed committees have been doing in recent years, the General Assembly of the Presbyterian Church (USA) will appoint a committee.
In a discovery that explained the soaring costs of gasoline, scientists at the French Institute of Applied Science and Research found that the elements of 99% of gas sold at the pump to be pure Mammon....
New York, NY: The gasps in the home office quickly turned into an internet roar.
The Delilah and Bill Johnson family's Christmas card-- 4' x 6', gilt-edged, and glossy-- has on its front a picture of the Blessed Mother and baby Jesus.
What disturbed recipients was the 10 point bulleted section on the inside, titled "Why I am not sending you a picture of my family and you shouldn't either".
The points begin softly, noting "1. I just saw loads of your pictures on Picasa," "2. Little Joey is having a bad hair month" and "3. I never know when I can take your picture off my fridge and not feel guilty about it anymore, so I'm begging you to take my feelings into account."
But people began sputtering over some of the others: "6. In an age of self-glorification, I can do without saying I'm so obviously the reason for the season." "8. Look at an icon, for crying out loud. It's a freaking RELIGIOUS HOLIDAY" and "10. Joy to the World! The Lord Has Come! Wait, where's Jesus? Oh right, I CAN'T SEE HIM BECAUSE I'M FLOODED WITH PHOTOSHOPPED CHRISTMAS PICTURES OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS DRESSED IN MATCHING RED AND GREEN SWEATERS!"
In the comments section of Commonweal, James Martin (in a similar spirit, and with our spirit) has helpfully provided this blessing for Christmas cookies:
“O God, who see the cookies that you have graciously deigned to allow us to bake here according to this recipe that you have given us that we may give to others that which you have given to us here, bless, we pray, them, O Lord, that you may allow us to offer them in return to many, as we seek to preveniently nourish these your holy people, we pray, with the ineffable taste of the flour that you have graciously allowed us to refine, O Lord, with the milky milk that milkily issues forth abundantly from the many bovine animals which you have made and from the sweet sugar that sweetly comes from the sweet sugar cane plants which you have created for we your people, who humbly implore your blessings, that all of us may humbly eat of them, in order that you might, O Lord, we humbly beseech you, bless us and them, and, we pray, O Lord, and I forgot what where I was going with this prayer.”