Metropolis, USA: The liturgical commission of the Metropolis diocese, meeting for a Saturday workshop at RBCU*, was clearly looking a little frayed.
"This is usually not our best month, before Easter Sunday," laughed commission secretary Diana Tuberville, "but the upcoming conclave has our directors of music in a panic. No one is practicing the parts. Everyone is swapping papabile articles by John Allen and Sandro Magister and setting their cell phones to popealarm.com ."
A certain one there be who came to Cap'n Jesus, an' he said, "Scullmarster, What good thing must I be doin' to secure me spot is safe ports 'til the seven seas goes dry?"
And the Cap'n, he said, "What line o' barnacles izzat? If fer quiet portsa fer all time is what ye seek, then obey the High Admiral's commands!"
"Which be they?" he was askin'.
"Have ye no' read th' list?" bellowed the Cap'n. "Don't be endin' yer fellows' voyage prematurely! No swashin' another man's buckles! No plunderin' ill-gotten booty! Speak truly! Be givin' yer mater and pater their just dues! Be treatin' all as ye treat yerself!"
Humor will save the world. or at least remind us that we're human.
Newsweek asked people to tweet reactions to its new cover story on "Muslim rage." Using the hashtag, #MuslimRage, hundreds of people responded, with many poking fun of the magazine's underlying premise. Author Reza Aslan tweeted, "Memo to those few violent MidEast protesters, this is how you fight Islamophobia. You make fun of it."
Here's a sample of a few of the funniest tweets. [click for full article]
Yizzeree, SD: Saint Agatha's Elementary school looks like most other Catholic schools: classrooms, desks, chalkboards, READ posters, crucifixes above the doors, kids in plaid uniforms.
They have one more thing that sets them apart from the rest: giddy parents.
"Oh my gosh, I can't tell you how happy that decision made me. I got down on my knees and started crying," gushed Mary Ellen Yubish, mother of 2nd grader Catherine. The decision she refers to? No classroom supply lists.
Staten Island: After the drama of abdicating the Petrine ministry for the first time in 600 years, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI was seen at the Staten Island Ikea looking for "one good solid chair."
"I brought the cat and swept out the apartment, but I forgot I needed a great big chair," admitted the frail man in lightly accented English. "It's true I am retiring to a life of prayer, but I do not think God will begrudge me a place to sit down. And the Chair of Peter must remain vacant until the new Pope is elected. So I was thinking, maybe a La-Z-Boy. I hear they fold back and are very comfy."
New York, NY: St. Calibertha Church's Sunday School, at 100 Sesame St., has introduced a holiday practice updated for the little ones of the 21st century: The All Vowels Antiphons.
"The traditional O Antiphons are lovely but O gets all the attention," argued A, who was decked in festive advent purple fur over his everyday foam self. "The Spirit of Christmas is equality, so the other vowels and I, I mean A, we thought he should share."
"Sharing is the reason for the season," piped up E. "U and I and others have always said so."
"And we never knew Y all the attention went to O," pouted Y. "Sure he's round and pretty like a bowl full of jelly, but we have feelings, you know. I've stuck out my tongue at him forever and he never noticed. I am sad," he said, upward wings drooping.
I try to be bigger than this, honest I do, and I love VBS. Every year my kids like it and they come home with good insights about the topic of the week. And this year's probably had the best "take home" CD of songs yet...catchy and fun and some were even theologically touching and deep. Then there were two songs near the end....
In order not to publicly humiliate the artist of this song, I am not going to name it, or him, or the VBS program. But for goodness sakes, I have been having a running debate with this song, which my kids want to listen to every day, for nine weeks straight. (If you are thinking, hey, you're the parent, turn it off, remember that the rest of the album is great and I am usually in the middle of helping a child potty train or something). I have officially snapped. At least my mental cry of theological anguish may entertain you.
This song is about St. Peter, and has a rousing go go go! refrain. By the end of the song, I only wish I could. It begins like this:....
To a pirate marooned, or facing th' Cat O Nine Tails.
1 As th' jolly roger longs fer streams o' water, so me soul thirsts pants fer ye, me God. 2 Me soul thirsts fer God, fer th' liv'n God. When can I go an' rendezvous wi' God? 3 Me tears have b'n me burgoo day an' night, while people say t' me all day long, “Where be your bleedin' God, bucko?”...
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