Cultural Trendz

It's an exciting time for women. New Hampshire is the first state in the nation to send an entirely female congressional delegation to Washington. And by the way, the governor is a woman, too. Marissa Mayer, though controversial, is making her mark on the corporate world and showing that women can hang with the big boys.

More and more women are excelling in leadership positions--in government and non-profits, in start-ups and public corporations, in sports and entertainment.

Even so, the number of male leaders still dwarfs female leaders. My husband recently sent me a survey via Twitter (yes, this is how we sometimes communicate) asking "Why Aren't There More Women CEOs?" The results of the survey:

    Institutional barriers (42%)
    Family is a bigger priority (26%)
    Lack of workplace flexibility (15%)
    Less willing to take risks (10%)
    Lack of female role models (7%)

My answer is all of the above, plus something else. Something much bigger. To be a leader, whether it's in a company, in politics, in the PTA, or on the soccer field, you need "leadership traits." You need to know how to command a presence, to have good judgment, and to make great decisions fast. You need to show strength and confidence and stand by your convictions. Always. You need to have thick skin, and not be swayed by naysayers or tough competition. Most of all, you need to know how to motivate and inspire people to follow you.

Of course many of these traits are inherent, but most can also be cultivated. For boys, this is a way of life since birth. Boys are taught to tough it out, to wipe away the tears, to be the fastest and strongest kid out there. And though times are certainly changing, girls are often still babied more.

I'm not saying we should treat our girls like boys. I love to coddle my daughters and help them with their pink dresses. But I also strive to encourage leadership traits in them to prepare them to thrive in a world where the ceilings have more and more skylights.

Try these six tips to help foster leadership traits in your daughters:

1. Remind her constantly that she is capable of anything.

When I was two, my grandfather announced that I would be president someday. My dad agreed and started reminding me of it from then on. This was in the 70s when a female president was a ridiculous thought. My parents really did believe that I could do that, and much more. And they told me so regularly. I can't even remember thinking that girls couldn't do anything boys could, because I was never told any differently.

2. Encourage her to play with boys.

As a child I idolized my older brother. I had my girlfriends and dolls to play with but I also loved to play football (yes tackle) with my brother and his friends. By interacting with boys the way they play, I learned many traits that have served me well in the largely male upper echelons of the corporate world. Your daughter may not be into tackle football, but go ahead and set up playdates for her with the boys.

3. Foster her independence.

My daughter has been in Montessori school since 18 months and I am still amazed at the things she learns to do on her own. I wish I could take credit for her decision making and self-directed ways. But even as I celebrate her independence, when I watch her struggle to dress herself or brush her own teeth or cut her own food, sometimes I want to step in and do it for her. Resist the urge! Encouraging independence and confidence now will serve your daughters later when the tasks get much more intense.

4. Encourage her to play sports.

This is an obvious one. Everyone knows how much a child can learn from competing on a team to win... and sometimes losing. But many girls just aren't into sports. If that's your daughter, find an activity that fosters teamwork, collaboration, initiative, and leadership, whether it's Girl Scouts, clubs, or something else. More important, find a way to get your daughter into something--anything--competitive. My 9-year-old book-loving, brainy niece likes dance class OK, but hasn't taken to sports. When the family got a foosball table, she was transformed. Soccer and basketball aren't her thing, but she is damn good on that table. Who knew? She can beat her brother at something physical for once, and the once shy, quiet girl is now beating her chest. She even calls my husband from thousands of miles away taunting him that she is the reigning foosball champion of the household, and the "master of all things glorious."

5. Highlight female role models.

Who are the 7 percent of survey responders who think there are a lack of female role models out there? Come on people, they are everywhere! They are in the New Hampshire government, the stores we visit, and down the street on the volunteer committee.  They are in the books we read, the news we watch, and they are even in history. Ever read about Elizabeth I? So highlight them to your girls. And explicitly make the point that there are badass women out there that they can aspire to emulate.

6. Be a role model yourself.

Of course the best way to teach a trait is by example. If you're a mom, then act like a leader. Be strong, be confident, show good judgment, and inspire your children to follow you instead of demanding it. If you're a dad, then show your respect for women.  Treat your wife and daughters, and neighbors and friends as equals. Let the decisions come from all of you and make it clear that there are no ceilings in your household, just as in life.

How do you make a statement this spring? By taking a cue from Kerry, Blake, and more stars and trying out the most daring fashion trends the season has to offer. From bright leather to mixed prints, we'll show you how to take your wardrobe to the next level.

In honor of Mother’s Day, Donna Karan, Lubov Azria, Lela Rose, Pamella Roland, Rachel Roy, Kelly Wearstler, Rachel Zoe and Rebecca Minkoff share the best advice a parent can give their child.

Donna Karan: Make time for love. “The best advice a mother can give to her child is that love is about time−the time you spend with others, and time you spend taking care of yourself. You need to find the balance and do both,” says Donna Karan, pictured with her daughter Gabby on her wedding day in 2002. (For her special day, Gabby wore a short dress with an added long tulle skirt, made by her mother, of course!)

Lubov Azria: Live your dreams. “Each of my daughters has a unique journey they are embarking on, and I support them wholeheartedly. I always advise them with what I tell myself every day: Work hard, stay focused on your vision, and follow your dreams. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, ‘Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm,’” says Azria, Chief Creative Officer of BCBGMAXAZRIAGROUP, which includes BCBG and Herve Leger.

This busy business woman is mother to 6 children with husband Max Azria. Above, Lubov (pictured second from left) enjoys some girl time on Malibu Beach with her daughters Anaïs, 16, Agnès, 14, Marine, 21, and Chloé, 18.

Lela Rose: Conquer with kindness. Designer Lela Rose keeps her motherly advice simple and sweet: “Be nice, be nice, be nice.”

The New York-based Texan transplant is pictured with her two children, Grey, 11, and Rosey, 6, and their two Yorkshire terriers, Stitch and Bobbin.

Rachel Roy: You can make a difference. “The best advice I give my girls, which my mother instilled in me, is the importance of giving back to those in need,” shares Rachel Roy, pictured with her two daughters, Tallulah Ruth, 5, and Ava, 13.

Pamella Roland: Easy does it. “As my children have grown, my best advice to mothers of young children would be to not sweat the small stuff−you let go and let your children learn by making their mistakes, and you have to pick your battles,” says Pamella Roland.

During New York Fashion Week, you can always spot her three children, Cole, Sydney and Cassandra, cheering from the front row.

Rebecca Minkoff: Search for excellence. “Find your PASSION and give 100%. It may or may not be easy to find; maybe the search will be painful and long, but you will find it at some point. And the feeling of satisfaction knowing you have given 100% brings tremendous contentment,” says Rebecca Minkoff, photographed with son Luca Shai, who will turn 2 in September.

Rachel Zoe: Do the right thing. “Always be kind, always have manners and always be grateful. Never be greedy, never be jealous and never be cruel,” says Rachel Zoe on the words of wisdom she instills in her son Skyler, 2.

Kelly Wearstler: Be a go-getter. “The best advice I can give my boys is the same advice my mother instilled in me: the only person who can make something happen for you is YOU. Be compassionate, be self-reliant, and love what you do,” shares Kelly Wearstler with her boys Elliott, 9, and Oliver, 10.

On Mother’s Day, remember the women who gave—and lived out—the best life advice for you.

When I was pregnant with my second child, my sweet small dude, Cooper…. I made a promise to myself… not to my husband, not to my best friend, not to my daughter and not to you, or you, or you… but to me… I was really going to make a physical effort to take care of my body, to control my eating and to be strong.

With my first pregnancy, I had been under the mistaken impression that a magical door had opened, allowing me to explore new foods to excess, to give in to the physical exhaustion that accompanied those nine months to the point of sitting still more than I moved and assuming that the baby weight would ‘fall right off’ when my daughter arrived.  It didn’t happen.

The changes I witnessed in my body prompted me to decide things would be different next time.  Enter Cooper.  I ate well.  I exercised.  I gained half the weight in my second pregnancy that I did in my first.  But let me be clear, this was not a gift: this was the result of conscious effort.  I worked hard. I felt healthy. I was protecting my baby.  I was taking care of my body.

But more often than not, someone would say, ‘Must be nice to be so tiny.”, “I can’t believe you are even 7 months.” , “Are you sure you are eating enough to take care of that baby?”, “Oh my gosh, I looked like you when I was 3 months!”, “You must just have good genes”.

And I would find myself apologizing.

“I’m sorry…. I just wanted it to be different this time.”

“I’m sorry…. I’ve just been….  I just was…. I just did…  ”

I was actually apologizing for doing something right and good for me, for my baby.

This was a pattern for me. This apologizing wasn’t reserved for this instance.

Unfortunately, it would take nearly six years for me to recognize that I had a habit of diminishing my personal and professional power each and every day with two little words:

I’m Sorry.

A few months after Cooper was born, I had plans to go out with a few girlfriends.  I couldn’t escape a nagging feeling that something was very wrong. But you simply can’t cancel on friends because you ‘have a feeling’, right? I chose to be the designated driver instead, and spent the night on hyper-alert…certain that something was amiss. I apologized constantly for my edginess.  I dropped off my last girlfriend…sitting in her driveway for upwards of 5 minutes, contemplating my route home.  Calming my nerves, I started the car and began to drive.

I noticed everything.  The speed limit.  The street signs.  The movie theater times.

I even saw her coming.  I just couldn’t get out of her way.

I was awake as I spun through the intersection.  As I rolled down the embankment.  As I hung from my seat belt waiting for the Fire Department to get me out of the car.

I walked away.  Apologizing for being out late.  For nearly leaving my children motherless.  For ignoring ‘that feeling’.

But I resolved I would never again do work that didn’t make me better and stronger and didn’t give me the opportunity to teach my children to be better and stronger.

This was the beginning of the journey to where I am now.

It was while I was on book tour last Fall for Mom, Incorporated, talking to rooms full of women that I had two epiphanies:

Women, like me, say I’m sorry ALL. THE. TIME.

    I’m so sorry I missed your call….

    I’m sorry I can’t join you for lunch…

    I’m sorry, I didn’t have time…

    I’m sorry…. I wish I could have been there…

    I’m sorry I’m just now getting back to you….

    I’m sorry I can only talk for a few minutes…

    I’m sorry, we’ve decided that is a family night…

    I’m sorry I’m late….

    Oh….I’m sorry, were you reaching for that?

    I’m so sorry I was in the wrong place at the wrong time….

Start counting.  Today.  I’d venture you will catch yourself saying I’m sorry 10, 15, 20+ times every day.  For little things.  For silly things.  For things that don’t require an apology.

And every time you do it, you rip a small piece of your personal power away.
For heaven’s sake…. I realized that my own voicemail said, “Hi, it’s Danielle, I’m sorry I can’t take your call right now….”

At that moment, I made a decision.  I’m NOT SORRY.

I’m NOT sorry I wasn’t sitting in front of my phone waiting for your call.

I’m NOT sorry I prioritized spending time with my family instead of answering certain emails.

I’m NOT sorry I decided that project wasn’t right for me.

I’m NOT sorry I didn’t return your email within 45 minutes.

I’m NOT sorry I juggle my family life and my work life – I think it makes me stronger.

I’m NOT sorry for the way I choose to parent my children.

I’m NOT sorry I was home with my children for the first few years of their lives.

I’m NOT sorry I work from home.

I’m NOT sorry I travel for work.

And I’m definitely NOT sorry for any success I’m achieving by working hard and making sacrifices.

Make a few small changes in the way you respond to people as you begin your journey of being Unapologetically Strong:

Smile when you respond.

If you don’t want to volunteer at your child’s school for the Fall Festival, don’t say – “Oh, I’m so sorry I can’t do that….”, smile and respond, “Thank you for asking, I’m going to enjoy the event with my children and volunteer in the classroom in the Spring instead.”

Change your words, change your tone:

If an email has escaped notice for a week: Instead of…. “I’m so sorry I’m just now getting back to you….” type, “Thank you so much for your email… I’m excited about the opportunity for us to work together/connect/talk about this project….”  The entire tone of your note changes.

I’ve stopped apologizing for who I am, for the work I do, for the time I choose to spend on my work or with my family, for the way I love and parent my children, or for the positive outlook I have on life.  I’m not sorry for the way my worldview is evolving as I get older.  I’m not sorry that I am getting older or that I have to work harder to take care of myself.  And I’m also not sorry that I sometimes give myself a break.

As I have removed the apologies I DON’T mean from my vocabulary, the ones I need to own have become that much more valuable.  I am constantly asking myself, “Am I TRULY sorry?”.  If the answer is, ‘yes’, I can look someone in the eye and embrace those words and what they mean.  That is important.

I’m grateful that I am surrounded by people who understand the ‘Unapologetically Strong’ in me.  And I’m proud to be joining the Degree Women campaign encouraging other women to celebrate ‘Unapologetically Strong’ as well.  You may or may not know that I used to be a TV reporter, so I can easily admit to being a huge fan of Sports Broadcaster Erin Andrews who has teamed up with Degree Women to head up the campaign.  You can see her story below...

Hallelujah originally by Leonard Cohen "Now I've heard there was a secret chord That David played, and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for musi...

NEW YORK (TheStreet) -- As the one-year anniversary of Facebook's (FB_) blockbuster initial public offering looms, lead underwriter Morgan Stanley (MS_) has yet to prove the botched offering has not hurt it's leading position in tech sector equity underwriting.

Twitter's unannounced but much anticipated initial public offering will prove whether or not Facebook's scandal-ridden offering, the third largest in U.S. history, has made a dent in the Morgan Stanley's ability to win the biggest deals coming out of Silicon Valley.

Morgan Stanley priced Facebook's May 18, 2012 IPO at $38 a share, in a deal that raised $16 billion for the social network and valued the company at over $100 billion.

Facebook has not traded above $38 a share since the IPO, and shares in the company remain about 30% below their listing price. Facebook opened Wednesday trading at $27.07, an increase of over 50% from share price lows below $18 in early September.

Shares in Morgan Stanley, by contrast, have gained over 70% to $24.70 since May 18.

Had Facebook's offering been priced correctly and with a manageable size for investors to handle, "Twitter would have come out by now," says Scott Sweet, a senior managing director at IPO Boutique.

"It would be wise for Twitter or another fledgling social network to choose another lead left book runner to lead their offering," Sweet says when discusing Morgan Stanley's management of the Facebook offering. "They made serious mistakes," he adds, while noting firms should still include Morgan Stanley on offerings because of their tech wherewithal.

Morgan Stanley, a powerhouse in tech sector IPO's after leading offerings for Google (GOOG_), Salesforce.com (CRM_) and LinkedIn (LNKD_), pulled a gigantic coup in winning Facebook's IPO.

The question is whether disappointed investors, lawsuits and regulatory settlements prove the Facebook deal to be a pyrrhic victory.

Morgan Stanley remains a force in tech sector equity underwriting. It won the lead mandate to underwrite Workday's (WDAY_) $732.55 million offering, the largest tech listing since Facebook.

According to Dealogic data, Morgan Stanley ended 2012 with the top market share in running global IPOs, bolstered by Facebook's offering. Overall, the firm earned nearly $1 billion in revenue from running equity underwriting, the data shows.

Still, signs of cracks may be showing.

Morgan Stanley won't be leading CDW's $500 million offering expected in 2013. The investment bank is also splitting lead work with Goldman Sachs (GS_) on Tableau Software's upcoming listing. It also isn't a lead underwriter of Marketo's IPO.

Both firms specialize in software services and the enterprise software market, a specialty of Morgan Stanley's. "Morgan owned that space last year," says Sweet.

In the first quarter of 2013, Morgan Stanley placed far behind competitors Goldman Sachs and a nascent Barclays (BCS_) in running U.S. based IPOs amid a sharp rise in listings of real estate investment trusts, healthcare businesses and carve outs from conglomerates as big as Pfizer (PFE_).

Source: http://www.thestreet.com/story/11924423/1/twitter-ipo-may-prove-morgan-stanleys-facebook-fallout.html

In  my last post I talked about recognizing small accomplishments, and celebrating your wins, however small.  This is one sure way to increase your motivation towards your goals.

How else can we internalize these wins to supercharge our self-esteem and motivation?
 
According to a Study published in American Psychologist in2000 by Richard Ryan and Edward Deci, there are three factors that help people be intrinsically proactive and engaged:
 
*  Relatedness– The need to belong, and feel connected to others
 
*  Competence– People are more likely to adopt activities that they, and relevant social groups value.
 
*  Autonomy– Crucial for people to internalize their wins, and feel motivated from within – Accepting it and Owning it by finding it valuable; interesting; and in line with goals (vision).
 
Relatedness
 
We need to surround ourselves with people who acknowledge our strengths and feelings, share our unique interests/goals, and support us in our pursuits.  When we provide these gifts to others it gives them something they can relate to, gives them the opportunity for self-directedness, and in turn increases their intrinsic motivation.
 
If a Parent, Teacher, Group Facilitator, Employer, etcetera uses threats; deadlines; directives; pressured evaluations; and imposed goals, this will decrease intrinsic motivation and lead to a decreased sense of well-being and empowerment.
 
Don’t you dare, for one more second, surround yourself with people who are not aware of the greatness that you are.  ~Jo Blackwell-Preston
     
Competence
     
Activities that include Novelty; Challenge; and Aesthetic Value (likeability) will increase competence.
     
Questions to ask are:
     
Why is this important to you?;
     
What does this mean to you?; and
     
How do the rules and “shoulds” relate to you? (in terms of values, goals, needs, interests/enjoyment; and other benefits).
     
When people can relate activities, tasks, and challenges to their core values and needs, interests/enjoyment, and other benefits unique to them, this will increase their motivation to be successful.  Basing outcomes on extrinsic rewards just isn’t inherently rewarding, and desire to get things done will be lacking.
     
In order to do this, you will need to (for yourself or others):

*  Have clear, detailed vision and goals (ie: where do you want to be in 5-10 years (or even one year from now?);
     
*  Identify strengths to leverage them:  Check out Strength Finder to identify your top strengths;
     
*  Identify your core values/needs, and what you love to do, then relate how rules and “shoulds” relate to these needs/values and things you love to do.  You can also use these core values in decision-making on your next steps to success!
     
Autonomy
     
What is important here is that people are doing things for their own reasons, and not just because they “should”, or that someone told them to; and that someone is telling them to.  This is closely related to competence, so doing the exercises above, or working with a Coach for clarity will be important.
     
You can also:
     
*  Write three good things that happened in your life/last week, and what you did to cause them to happen;
     
*  What makes you feel good about yourself and builds your self-esteem?  Turn these in to affirmations, and a reminder for positive sources of energy and inspiration when you need a boost;
     
*  Dove has a great exercise in their self-esteem workshop guide called The Promise Card.  What you do is write:  “From today …/…/…. I am going to make a difference to my life and to the lives of others by making this promise: ______________________________________”.  Then you write: “Here is how I will keep this promise: _________________________”.  Next write:  “I will ask __________________ to support me in keeping my promise”.  Make sure you tie this promise to your values; needs; interests; goals; and benefits to you, and Voila!  You have concrete action steps to get excited and motivated about!
     
*  Do things you want to do, despite any fears that are related to your vision, values, and goals.  Also do new things that expand your interests and sense of accomplishments.
     
*  Again, what are you going to do to give yourself credit for your “wins” along the way?  Celebrate!!…and not just the “small” accomplishments.
     
Peace and Love on your journey!

Planning a getaway with your kids?  Motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death and injury for all children. Protect your most precious cargo by following these easy travel tips from AAA:
Traveling by Car?

* Involve your children early on when planning a road trip, which will help keep their interest during the trip.  Show them your route on a map and let them help decide places to stop including landmarks, hotels, and restaurants.
* During your trip, give your children a map so they can see where you are and how far you have until you reach your destination.  This will help with the “are we there yet” question.
* Keep children interested and involved in your road trip with a ready selection of cards, maps, family games, sing-along CDs and activity books — especially ones with references to your destination. This will help keep them occupied and create more interaction among family members.
* As everyone knows, children can be a distraction in the car.  If there is another adult passenger, it is best to let them handle most of the interactions with the children.
* When choosing activities for children in vehicle it is important to remember that loose items in the car can be thrown or become missiles in the event of a crash or sudden stop.  Be sure to secure loose items including DVD players, laptops, iPads, purses, CDs, umbrellas, holiday gifts, etc. in either the trunk, in a console or under a cargo net.  Only provide children with soft toys and games to play with in the car.
* There are lots of helpful websites for parents with downloadable coloring pages, games, etc. such as www.SafeSeats4Kids.aaa.com.
* Get proper rest.  Set aside time to pack your clothes, load your vehicle and get a full night’s sleep for you and your family so you can all set out fresh and rested.  According to the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety, drowsy drivers are a factor in nearly 17 percent of fatal crashes, with one in ten drivers admitting to falling asleep behind the wheel at least once this past year.
* Buckle up, and make sure all passengers are secured properly with safety belts and age-appropriate child safety seats before you head out on your trip.  According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, 3 out of 4 safety seats are not installed correctly. Contact your local AAA club to have a licensed child passenger safety technician inspect your child’s safety seat for proper installation.
* If you are unsure about the child passenger safety laws in either your state or those that you will be travelling through, visit DrivingLaws.AAA.com.  It is important to remember that laws often provide the minimum protection; for maximum protection you should follow best practice recommendations.  To view these and learn other helpful tips, visit www.AAA.com/CarSeat.
* Try to do most of your traveling during daylight hours, when visibility is best.  If you find yourself driving into the glare of a rising or setting sun, consider taking a break until lighting conditions improve.
* When traveling by RV, make sure passengers buckle up in approved seating locations.
* Driving in the Winter? View these safety tips.

Traveling by Air?

* If flying, bring your car seats with you.  You will need to check the label of your car seat to see if it is certified for use on aircraft and has met the FAA inversion test criteria.  If it is approved for use on an aircraft, you can secure your child and help protect them from unexpected turbulence.
* Car and booster seats can be checked for free when traveling. Bringing your own car seats with you helps make sure you are familiar with how to use the seats and you know they are safe and clean to use.
* If you are not able to bring your car seat with you, you may rent one from a car rental agency.  Through a partnership with Hertz, AAA members receive the free us of one car seat with every rental.  For more information about using your car seat on an airplane, you can access the FAA’s website.
* Booster seats may not be used on an airplane because they require a lap/shoulder belt, so it is a good idea to check it when traveling.
* If traveling internationally with your children, be sure to bring all birth certificates, passports and documentation with you.  Single parents traveling with children should bring a letter signed by the other parent giving permission for travel listing dates, location and names of those in the travel party.  For more information on children traveling alone, view these tips (http://exchange.aaa.com/safety/child-safety/children%E2%80%99s-travel-tips/)

Intimate personal relationships are no doubt among the most precious as well as one of the most puzzling of life's experiences. Perhaps the reason for this state of affairs is that many people approach relationships from a perspective that will never take them where they'd like to go.

Why? Because they start from the notion that everything would be so much better if only you would change. Not only that, but you should change in ways that I, your partner, prescribe.

Come on -- admit it! Isn't this something you do at least every now and then?

No doubt this is the greatest relationship myth in recorded history.

Well, if "only you would change, etc.," is a myth, how does anyone ever arrive at a truly happy ending, namely a deeply loving and fulfilling relationship?

Are you willing to consider the possibility that trying to fix or change your partner never works? After all, while you may have some degree of influence over your partner's choices, you have absolutely no control over the thoughts, beliefs, feelings and attitudes, which underlie their behavior.

Well then, how about working with the one person you can greatly influence? Right! That would be you!

Over the years, we've developed several keys that we have found work well in building a heart-to-heart relationship. We've tested these keys in our own relationship and we've seen them work for our students as well as couples in our private practice. There are 11 of them we're more than happy to share with you.

They are in no particular order and, they are not meant for you to share with your partner in the hope that they will change. They are meant to empower you to make a positive difference in your relationship. And, you just may find that as you experiment with the following keys, you may experience some lovely shifts.

1. Seek to become a really good heart-centered listener.

You may or may not have ever thought about this, but one of the deepest yearnings of people everywhere, is the longing to be truly heard. Surely, nowhere is this need more keenly experienced than in close personal relationships. One reason friendships often last longer than love affairs and marriages is that friends truly love being together and listening to each other.

It's not difficult to excel at listening once you understand, and are willing to practice, a few essentials. First, and most important, your attitude is what we refer to as seeing the loving essence. It's the essence of the Buddhist greeting Namaste, which essentially means the soul within me recognizes, acknowledges, respects and appreciates the soul within you. Set your intention to see the divine spark in your partner.

Next, listen with the ears of your heart. Listening such as this has as its intention truly hearing and understanding another. Heart-centered listening is not about giving advice. Let go of thinking that you need to solve or fix something for them. Deep listening in and of itself may, in fact, solve more than any advice you can ever give.

Bottom line: Intimacy is a natural by-product of heart-to-heart communication, for when a person feels heard, they feel loved.

2. Share gratitude and heartfelt appreciation.

There is nothing more affirming than regularly sharing with loved ones how much they matter to you and how precious they are. Express your appreciation for who they are and all they do.

The way we practice this skill is by sharing heartfelt appreciations each and every night before we go to sleep. Here's how we do it. Let's say Mary begins by saying, "What I appreciate about myself today is... and what I appreciate about you today is... " Then, it's my turn and I say, "What I appreciate about myself today is... and what I appreciate about you today is... " That's one round. We do three rounds nightly. No distractions allowed unless, of course, our kitty jumps up on the bed to participate.

3. Small kindnesses reap large dividends.

Have you ever considered the return on investment in small every day acts of kindness? Perhaps it's the flowers sent, the special coffee brought home, the thank you phone call. Why? They keep your heart open and are a tangible demonstration of your caring.

These days, more and more people are becoming aware of the importance of looking to see whether someone's words and actions match. Saying you care is one thing. Demonstrating your caring is another. Action is where to look for integrity and real value. By paying attention to the little things, you are building a relationship fortune that will pay dividends for years to come.

4. Keep your agreements.

Perhaps the single most important ingredient for a heart-to-heart relationship is the quality of trust. Over the years, we've seen more relationships come apart due to a breach of trust than any other single thing. How does this happen? Think about it. If someone says they will do something and then doesn't honor their word, what happens inside of you? Will you more or less likely to trust them to keep their word if and when there is a next time? Less -- of course!

Now, let's raise the stakes. It's one thing to trust someone to keep their agreement with you about something they have said they will do. It's a whole other thing to "entrust" your heart into someone's safe harbor only to discover that it's not so safe after all. When that happens, deep bonds of trust are broken and it can take years to reweave the fabric of the relationship -- if in fact you ever truly can.

Good grief! We just realized that we've come to the end of our allotted space and only covered four keys. That means there are seven remaining. Sorry about that.

Here's an idea. If you comment, we'll take that to mean you are finding value in this information and we'll continue with the remaining seven keys next week.

Blessings,

Ron and Mary

For the past 31 years, Drs. Ron and Mary Hulnick have been facilitating a two-year masters degree program in spiritual Psychology at the University of Santa Monica. They are both licensed therapists and authors of "Loyalty To Your Soul: The Heart of Spiritual Psychology." In January, they will be celebrating their 33rd wedding anniversary.