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Coaching: It’s All About Hearing the Truth You Don’t Want to Hear

Coaching: It’s All About Hearing the Truth You Don’t Want to Hear | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it
Recently I was on a panel with a client of mine. We had been coaching for about 12 months when we were invited to talk about our coaching relationship. She started the discussion by saying, “Linda ...

 

Recently I was on a panel with a client of mine. We had been coaching for about 12 months when we were invited to talk about our coaching relationship. She started the discussion by saying, “Linda was my second choice as a coach.” Everyone in the room laughed at this!

 

Then my client continued. “I had interviewed another coach prior to meeting Linda. I loved the other coach. There was great chemistry. During the interview with Linda, she made me very angry. It was on a Friday, and I was angry all weekend. I was stewing because I knew that the first coach would become a good friend, and that Linda would help me get where I wanted to go.”

 

This is not the first time this situation has occurred. I remember another interview several years ago.

 

That gentleman was so angry that he said he didn’t even want referrals from me to other coaches. He’d find them himself! Several weeks later, he contacted me again and said, “I’ve interviewed 4 other coaches, and the voice I keep hearing in my head is yours. You told me the truth I didn’t want to hear.”

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Serving and Leadership
" We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give. " - Winston Churchill
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Serving and Leadership on Facebook!

Serving and Leadership on Facebook! | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it
Articles and Ideas relating to leadership, serving, and culture.
donhornsby's insight:

I have established a companion page to this curation effort on Facebook.  Could you drop by today and 'like' the page?  

The plans include a new blog debuting in October 2014. 

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Anne Egros's comment, April 23, 2013 7:55 AM
Done it Don, thanks for sharing great content
Patricia D. Sadar - Career and Leadership Acceleration Coach's comment, August 15, 2013 7:49 AM
Thank you ....just liked the page Don. Love the elephants :)
Joe Boutte's comment, April 5, 7:40 AM
Great page and thank you for creating it!
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Five Leadership Insights I Wish I Knew 25 Years Ago

Five Leadership Insights I Wish I Knew 25 Years Ago | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it

Looking back over a long tenure in ministry,  Charles Stone reflects on the leadership lessons learned through experience.

donhornsby's insight:

(From the article): Groups actually “catch” the emotional state of their leaders. I used to feel I had the right to get angry, pout, or emotionally cut myself off from others if things did not go well. I was being “authentic,” or so I thought. While not discounting the importance of authenticity, I have learned that I must bring a positive and hopeful tone to my leadership daily. When I experience something painful, and it is appropriate to share it, I do it with those closest to me in a way that actually can build trust.

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5 Ways to Use Discomfort to Be More Effective as a Leader

5 Ways to Use Discomfort to Be More Effective as a Leader | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it
In this guest post, Marcia Reynolds, author of The Discomfort Zone, explains 5 ways leaders and coaches can discomfort to create breakthrough thinking.
donhornsby's insight:

(From the article): Effective leaders help others think more broadly for themselves. They do this by reflecting what they hear and sense, and then asking powerful questions that disrupt and expand how people think. It is in these moments of discomfort that solutions appear and radical growth occurs. Developing people includes developing their minds.

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Compelling People: The Hidden Qualities That Make Us Influential

Compelling People: The Hidden Qualities That Make Us Influential | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it
Drawing on cutting-edge social science research, the authors reveal how we size each other up—and how we can learn to win the admiration, respect, and affection we desire.
donhornsby's insight:

(From the article): This book lays out its basic premise early on – it isn’t the first time I read the premise or the research behind it – if you haven’t, the path to greater influence is through a balance of strength (the root of respect) and warmth (the root of affection). The authors do a great job of laying out this idea – and that chapter alone is worth reading the book if this balance is a new idea to you.

 

Beyond that they talk about who we are – our natural genetic makeup and how we can understand how others may perceive us as a result. There may not be as much new here, but all is backed up with research and is well connected to their overall premise.

 

In the third section the authors give us real help. They take the reader through a treasure trove of examples and ideas to project strength and warmth (and the paradoxes therein) – everything from gestures to voice to word choice and much more.



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Leaders: Don't Hog the Cookies and Then Eat With Your Mouth Open!

Leaders: Don't Hog the Cookies and Then Eat With Your Mouth Open! | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it
6 things a leader should not do and do.
donhornsby's insight:

(From the article) Lead yourself first. Integrity is attractive. People want to follow leaders whose actions and words are in lock-step. Start by identifying your deepest values. What’s on your flag? What do you stand for, and what are the non-negotiable principles you refuse to compromise. Develop a point of view on leadership. Not just what youbelieve, but what you have come to know based on nitty gritty experience. Write down your own definition of leadership. Finally, rate yourself on how well you’re living into your own definition of leadership on a scale of 1 (badly) to 10 (perfectly).

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5 Leadership Lessons For Mentoring Employees

5 Leadership Lessons For Mentoring Employees | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it
Here are five ways to go a little further and cultivate employees who will eventually work autonomously and remain loyal to your company.
donhornsby's insight:

(From the article): If you want something done right, do it yourself. But who has time for that?


A lot of business owners find it difficult to delegate because they demand excellence and have a particular way that they want things accomplished.

 

Someone new may get things done by using a different approach with a lower standard, or one that is equally or more effective. Early on you might say that you can’t trust the person and just do it yourself. If you don’t grant trust throughdelegation, you will never grow employees from subpar to high performance.

 

Provide feedback, let them iterate and eventually they will outperform you.

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How to Build Your Brand on Social Media

How to Build Your Brand on Social Media | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it
Building a brand is a lot like raising a child.  As a parent, you make sure your child has a solid foundation from which to grow, so that everyone in your
donhornsby's insight:
(From the article): Social media is a powerful vehicle that can create or destroy a reputation in seconds.

It is critical that anyone who engages on social platforms leads with awareness and intention as the impact that your social engagement style has on your reputation is permanent in the digital world.

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donhornsby's curator insight, October 20, 9:42 AM

Social media is a powerful vehicle that can create or destroy a reputation in seconds.

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How to Have a Difficult Conversation

How to Have a Difficult Conversation | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it

When I ask leaders why they're not telling people what they need to know, the most consistent response I get is "She or he didn't ask."  How can you have those 'difficult but necessary' conversations?

donhornsby's insight:

(From the article): Know that your job is not to just develop skills, but develop minds. Ask difficult questions that really make them think. 

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How to Deal with a Mean Colleague

How to Deal with a Mean Colleague | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it
Don’t be afraid to call out bad behavior.
donhornsby's insight:
Know that most people act aggressively at work because they feel threatenedAsk yourself whether you’re being overly sensitive or misinterpreting the situationCall out the inappropriate behavior in the moment
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Who are the 21st century leaders?

Who are the 21st century leaders? | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it

Who are the 21st century leaders in business, finance, politics, government, NGOs, popular culture? 


Via David Hain
donhornsby's insight:

An interesting list. Who would you add (or subtract) from the list? > It’s often said that these are among the worst of times for leadership… it’s also, arguably, the best of times.

 

This list is updated quarterly. Please send your suggestions of other inspiring 21st century leaders.

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5 Things You Should be Doing to Have an Insanely Productive Week

5 Things You Should be Doing to Have an Insanely Productive Week | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it
Your most important job every day is to make sure your time is not just spent on busy work.
donhornsby's insight:
(From the article) You don't have to say "yes" to every request. 

“The difference between successful people and very successful people is that very successful people say “no” to almost everything.” — Warren Buffet.

 

Saying "yes" to a request seem easier than a simple "no". Yet every time you agree to do something for somebody that brings low or no result, it makes it difficult to have a schedule you can really control. You don't want that. You can achieve more if you know what you have to do, when you have to it and what you expect to accomplish. All that can be done in controlled schedule.

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What to Do When Anger Takes Hold

What to Do When Anger Takes Hold | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it
Managing strong emotions is a necessary skill.
donhornsby's insight:

(From the article): When we repress our fear or frustration or longing, the feelings get stuck somewhere in our bodies. Then, at some unexpected time with some unsuspecting person, they come out messy and misdirected. We’re left not knowing why we’re so angry, while the other person is left feeling alienated and untrusting. And that’s the best case scenario. The worst case is that the feeling never leaves us and wreaks havoc; we get either physically ill or mentally burned out.

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7 Important Life Lessons Everyone Learns the Hard Way

7 Important Life Lessons Everyone Learns the Hard Way | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it
Practical Tips for Productive Living

Via John Michel, Amy Melendez
donhornsby's insight:

(From the article): Nobody in this world is going to blindside you and hit you as hard as life will.  Sometimes life will beat you to the ground and try to keep you there if you let it.  But it’s not about how hard life can hit you, it’s about how hard you can be hit while continuing to move forward.  That’s what true strength is, and that’s what winning the game of life is all about.

 

When you have a lot to cry and complain about, but you prefer to smile and take a step forward instead, you are growing stronger.  Work through your struggles and hardships.  Even when it feels like things are falling apart, they’re not.  Take control of your emotions before they take control of you.  Everything will fall into place eventually.  Until then, learn what you can, laugh often, live for the moments, and know that it’s all worthwhile in the end.

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John Michel's curator insight, October 2, 7:50 AM

Be a student of life.  Indulge in it and absorb all the knowledge you can, while you can.  You may have to loose some things to gain some things, and you may have to learn some things the hard way.  That’s OK.  All experiences are necessary.  The purpose of your life is to live it in full, to partake in it to the utmost, to reach out with an open mind and an honest heart for the newest and richest experience being offered.

Amy Melendez's curator insight, October 2, 5:15 PM

"3. Seeking validation from others invalidates YOU.

Has the fear of rejection held you back?  Have you ever been so fearful of what others might think or say about you that it kept you from taking positive action?  I bet you’re shaking your head, “yes.”

It’s time to change your mindset…

Today, the only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.  Prove yourself to yourself, not others.  You are GOOD enough, SMART enough, FINE enough, and STRONG enough.  You don’t need other people to validate you; you are already valuable.

If someone says “no” to you, or if someone says something negative about you, that doesn’t change anything about YOU.  The words and opinions of others have no real bearing on your worth.  Certainly it can be helpful and desirable to make a good impression in certain situations, yet it’s not the end of the world when you are faced with rejection.

It’s great to receive positive feedback, but it simply doesn’t always happen.  That’s OK though, because you know where you’re headed and you know your true worth does not depend on the judgment of others.  When you set out to make a true difference in life, there will be those who disagree with you, those who ignore you, and those who flat out reject your ideas and efforts.  Look beyond them, step confidently forward, do what must be done, and let them think what they will."

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6 Bad Things That Happen When Leaders Avoid Conflict

6 Bad Things That Happen When Leaders Avoid Conflict | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it
A leader's unwillingness to address issues for fear of causing conflict can bring a business to its knees.
donhornsby's insight:

(From the article): Indeed, it is a leader's job to address issues as they arise. If we choose to avoid conflict at any price, the price may be far greater than we are willing to pay. The impact of conflict avoidance can ripple throughout the organization and cripple the future growth and success of the business. So, embrace conflict resolution. After all, conflict can be very healthy, too. It is often how we get the best answers to the toughest questions.

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5 Ways to Encourage Your Team Toward "Yes You Can"

5 Ways to Encourage Your Team Toward "Yes You Can" | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it
28 eyes looked at me skeptically. They were convinced the task I had outlined for their strategy session was beyond their reach. "Just too hard," they explained. "I'm not that creative," said anoth...
donhornsby's insight:

(From the article): Teams need encouragement to take little risks that feel big.

 

Little risks lead to brave steps which lead to bold work which lead to breakthrough results.

 

Encourage them. Please.

 

The world needs more brave doers.

 



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Stop People from Wasting Your Time

Stop People from Wasting Your Time | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it
Regain control of your schedule.
donhornsby's insight:

Will you face blow-back by toughening up and putting clear boundaries around your time? 

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Three Steps for Building a New Habit

Three Steps for Building a New Habit | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it
When you decide to make a change, you've taken an important step. Now you need to follow through on your commitment.
donhornsby's insight:

You can accelerate the rewiring process by using the third step,REFLECTION, to learn from your experience. Instead of simply repeating the behavior, you think about what happened. The lessons your take away will refine your skill. Each time you repeat the new behavior, you answer a series of five questions:

What happened?Why did it happen that way?What were the consequences?What would you do differently in the future?What are your next steps?

Completion of these three steps - Focus, Action and Reflection - is what we refer to as a “rep,” or repetition of the desired behavior. Learning what to do, then practicing the behavior in real life, followed by learning from the experience.

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The Importance of Being Purposeful

The Importance of Being Purposeful | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it

If we are clear about our purpose, it is that much easier to recognize and fulfill our responsibilities to those we serve.

donhornsby's insight:

(From the article) Make good, reliable cars & keep people safe, or something to that effect. It doesn’t have to be complicated. People just have to know what it is and be able to access it when they need to re-focus.

 

And that is where good leadership is key. People need to know why their jobs exist; whom they are there to serve; and how it all fits together.

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4 Reasons Your Dreams Don’t Come True

4 Reasons Your Dreams Don’t Come True | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it

There maybe a reason your dream hasn’t come true. It could be one of these:...

donhornsby's insight:

(From the article): Maybe you just need some help. Many a dream fails because the dreamer goes it all alone when what he or she needs is just a little help. Do you find it difficult to admit that you need help? Are you afraid to admit that you need others? Are you scared to depend on others? Some mistakenly believe it’s a weakness to admit that they need help. In fact, it’s just the opposite.  It takes great strength to admit that you need the help of others.

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5 Personal Leadership Lessons from Benjamin Franklin

5 Personal Leadership Lessons from Benjamin Franklin | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it

Benjamin Franklin was a man who got things done. He was an outstanding example of how leading yourself first helps you contribute to the lives of others.


Via Anne Leong, Amy Melendez, Roy Sheneman, PhD
donhornsby's insight:

(From the article): A leader’s daily struggle is to remain focused on our most important things. The challenge is just how do you stay focused on what’s important? Like many of us Benjamin Franklin found it difficult to stay focused. Especially when we’re bombarded every day with an overwhelming number of distracting tasks, external pressures and conflicting priorities.

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Great Leadership: Why Mindfulness is for Leaders and Not Just Monks

Great Leadership: Why Mindfulness is for Leaders and Not Just Monks | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it

When you’re a busy leader and you hear about the latest trend like mindfulness, you may immediately think, “ Yeah, right, I don’t have the time or space for that.  I’ve got real world stuff to worry about.  That may be great for monks who have time to meditate for hours a day, but that’s not my life.”


donhornsby's insight:

The good news is you don’t have to meditate for hours on end or take a 90 minute yoga class every day to activate your rest and digest response.  There are simple habits and routines you can learn – I call them Killer Apps and Habit Hacks in my book – that are easy to do and will definitely make a difference in you showing up as the aware and intentional leader you want and need to be.  For example, learning to take three deep breaths from your belly before a big meeting or taking a short walk to energize your body and clear your mind when you’re feeling overworked and overwhelmed can do wonders.  In the book, I share a one page resource called the Life GPS® that will help you identify the routines that enable you to show up at your best and help you create the outcomes you want not just at work but at home and in your community as well.

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5 Things You Can Do To Improve Your Relationship With Your Boss (And Your Next Boss)

5 Things You Can Do To Improve Your Relationship With Your Boss (And Your Next Boss) | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it

The most important driver of employee engagement is the relationship they have with their immediate manager.


Via Vicki Kossoff @ The Learning Factor, Jose Luis Anzizar, David Hain
donhornsby's insight:

“A great boss changes your career. Carefully consider your boss and be prepared to take an ‘innovator’ role yourself–it’s not just up to them to reveal themselves it’s up to you to ask the questions.”

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Vicki Kossoff @ The Learning Factor's curator insight, October 19, 7:29 PM

As offices across the country close out a week marked by celebrations of "Boss's Day," now is a great time to consider your relationship with your current boss--could it be improved, or maximized in some way?

David Hain's curator insight, October 20, 3:02 AM

Relationship matters - and relationships do matter!

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A Guide To Co-Leadership: Why It’s Hard, Why It’s Good, And How To Make It Work

A Guide To Co-Leadership: Why It’s Hard, Why It’s Good, And How To Make It Work | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it
This post is a brief guide to co-leading. I’ll outline why having co-leaders is hard, why it’s a source of enhanced productivity, creativity, and joy when it works, and some tactics for success. 

I’m going to use the term co-leading throughout. I’m focused primarily on co-CEO relationships, but I think what I write applies equally to co-founders and other collaborative executive structures.

I’m writing primarily from my experience co-founding and subsequently co-CEO’ing HowAboutWe with Brian Schechter, my best friend since childhood. Over about five years, we grew the company to 100 people, and then — this past summer — sold it to IAC. We’re still best friends.

Via David Hain
donhornsby's insight:

(From the article): Know your own weaknesses. If you are incapable of seeing your weaknesses — and particularly the things you do that are hard for your co-leaders, even if they aren’t categorically counterproductive — then you will end up in a prideful, defensive, unhelpful stance. If you see your weaknesses then you will be able to build a balanced view of the relationship dynamics that will support rapid de-escalation and effective collaboration. Your vulnerability will be fuel. Any time you spend being defensive is time wasted. 

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David Hain's curator insight, October 20, 5:34 AM

"Two can be exponentially more powerful than one."  Thoughtful piec on co-leading from @schidkrout

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7 Powerful Qualities of Servant-Leaders

7 Powerful Qualities of Servant-Leaders | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it

Every act of leadership is an act of service. Anything less is exploitation. 

donhornsby's insight:

The leader who serves the most wins.

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Amy Melendez's curator insight, October 3, 11:30 AM

From the article:

People aren’t in organizations to serve leaders. Leaders are in organizations to serve people.

Weak leaders expect service; strong leaders give it.

John Michel's curator insight, October 4, 12:49 AM

Every act of leadership is an act of service. Anything less is exploitation.

Claude Emond's curator insight, October 4, 8:56 AM

This is the way to lead together with people who can self-organize, mainly all humans driven by a common purpose and mutual trust 

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16 of the Best Ways to Work Smarter, Not Harder

16 of the Best Ways to Work Smarter, Not Harder | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it

I've collected 16 of the best ways I've found to start working smarter, based on my own experience and research.

donhornsby's insight:

(From the article): We tend to ignore our energy levels when planning our work, but it's an important aspect of how productive we can be. When we have energy isn't the same for everyone either—we each have our own built-in body clock called a circadian rhythm.

 

"The circadian rhythm dips and rises at different times of the day," reports the National Sleep Foundation. "Adults' strongest sleep drive generally occurs between 2:00-4:00 a.m. and in the afternoon between 1:00-3:00 p.m., although there is some variation depending on whether you are a 'morning person' or 'evening person'."

 

If you know you're most productive right before lunch, for instance, don't plan meetings or email catch-up time then. Instead, put your hardest work in the time periods when you've got the most energy, and save easy tasks for when you're dragging.

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How Successful People Stay Calm

How Successful People Stay Calm | Serving and Leadership | Scoop.it

The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance. 

donhornsby's insight:

(From the article): Stress and worry are fueled by our own skewed perception of events. It’s easy to think that unrealistic deadlines, unforgiving bosses, and out-of-control traffic are the reasons we’re so stressed all the time. You can’t control your circumstances, but you can control how you respond to them. So before you spend too much time dwelling on something, take a minute to put the situation in perspective. If you aren’t sure when you need to do this, try looking for clues that your anxiety may not be proportional to the stressor. If you’re thinking in broad, sweeping statements such as “Everything is going wrong” or “Nothing will work out,” then you need to reframe the situation. A great way to correct this unproductive thought pattern is to list the specific things that actually are going wrong or not working out. Most likely you will come up with just some things—not everything—and the scope of these stressors will look much more limited than it initially appeared.

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J. Daniel Romo's curator insight, October 4, 3:14 PM

This is the basis of the Equilibrios de Excelencia" book