"Our style of attachment affects everything from our partner selection to how well our relationships progress to, sadly, how they end. That is why recognizing your attachment pattern can help you understand your strengths and vulnerabilities in a relationship. An attachment pattern is established in early childhood attachments and continues to function as a working model for relationships in adulthood.
Our model of attachment influences how each of us attempts to get our needs met. When we have a secure attachment pattern, we are confident and self-possessed and are able to easily interact with others, meeting both our own and another person's needs. However, when we have an anxious or avoidant attachment pattern, we may pick a partner who fits with this maladaptive pattern, and we will most likely be choosing someone who isn't the ideal choice to make us happy.
For example, if we have a working model of anxious/preoccupied attachment, we will feel that in order to get close to someone and have our needs met, we need to be with our partner all the time and get reassurance. To support this perception of reality, we may choose someone who is isolated and hard to connect with. If we have a working model of dismissive/avoidant attachment, we will have a tendency to be distant, because our model is that the way to get our needs met is to act like we don't have any. We may then choose someone who is more possessive or overly demanding of attention.
In a sense, we set ourselves up by finding partners that confirm our models. If we grew up with an insecure attachment pattern, we may project or seek to duplicate similar patterns of relating as adults, even when these patterns hurt us and are not in our own self-interest..."
Did you know that you really can smell fear? I once presented a paper at a conference in front of the very writer I was discussing in my paper. He also happens to be one of my literary idols. I walked out after the talk sure that my armpit stains were of a different quality (and perhaps even color) than anything triggered by the Edmonton summer heat. This sweat was greasier and more aggressive: I stank of sheer, unadulterated terror.
Quotes and Wisdom to Help You Understand Love and Love Better
Melanie Greenberg's insight:
Love is not just a feeling, a thought, a spiritual state, or an action, but a combination of all of these. Using the words of philosophers and writers and some modern science, this article provides a sophisticated, yet understandable perspective on the nature of love. Understanding love better can help us to bring more love into our lives and experience it more mindfully.
Why We Keep Repeating Old Patterns and How We Can Change
Melanie Greenberg's insight:
Groundhog Day is a powerful allegory and morality tale. Phil is Everyman in modern society –so focused on increasing his own status and resources that he misses the present moment and opportunities to build satisfying relationships. Phil, like many of us, is locked in a futile struggle to control and change a life situation that is essentially unchangeable. The only solution is to learn to accept our circumstances, adopt an “attitude of gratitude”, and put our best efforts into improving areas of life that we can control.
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