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Why Self-Compassion Helps You Meet Life's Challenges

Why Self-Compassion Helps You Meet Life's Challenges | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it

Do you regularly try to motivate yourself with self-criticism and mental projections about all the bad things that will happen to you if you don’t get it together? While this approach may create that extra surge of adrenaline to meet your work deadline, cold call the next potential client, get to the gym, or get your house cleaned before the in-laws visit, it comes at a cost. You end up feeling bad about yourself a lot of the time. 

 

You get into constant “fight or flight” mode, trying to avoid the negative imagined consequences, which messes with your cortisol and other stress hormones. You get overwhelmed, and decide to zone out playing video games or posting mindlessly on social media, or you rebel and eat, drink, or spend too much, thus creating more self-disgust. If this sounds familiar, perhaps you need a healthy dose of self-compassion.

 

by Melanie Greenberg, Ph.D.


Via Edwin Rutsch
Glori R Zeltzer, MFT's insight:

When we show ourselves love, we blossom, just as children and our gardens do.

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Barbara Kerr's curator insight, October 6, 2013 4:20 PM

Having compassion for yourself is a necessary step not only for your own well-being but also for those you care for..

Electrovista's curator insight, December 4, 2013 6:15 AM

From the author: "...you need a healthy dose of self-compassion."

From around the web

Bring more life and love into your relationship! I am posting articles that encourage, and teach tools to create relationships that bring joy and love to our lives. www.tools-for-togetherness.com
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Yes, People Over 70 Are Having Sex. And A Lot Of It.

Yes, People Over 70 Are Having Sex. And A Lot Of It. | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it
People are continuing to enjoy active sex lives well into their 70s and 80s, according to new research from The University of Manchester and NatCen Social Research. Of the 7,000 people who responded to a questionnaire, more than half the men (54 perc...
Glori R Zeltzer, MFT's insight:

As the baby boomers age, I imagine more research will focus on people in later life. Now we just need to help seniors with access to hormones and other treatment to overcome physiological symptoms.

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10 Forgotten Habits Happy Couples Have That Make Their Relationships Last

10 Forgotten Habits Happy Couples Have That Make Their Relationships Last | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it
10 habits of happy couples that seem to have been forgotten. Making these habits part of your relationship your relationship can last too.
Glori R Zeltzer, MFT's insight:

Why do we believe that love is just for the young? Great tips for lasting relationships!

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140 Priceless Ways to Tell Me You Love Me | Marcia Brubeck

140 Priceless Ways to Tell Me You Love Me | Marcia Brubeck | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it
Glori R Zeltzer, MFT's insight:

140 amazing ideas, and mostly free, to say "I love you!"

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Authentic Conversation: Your Most Rewarding Adventure Awaits

Authentic Conversation: Your Most Rewarding Adventure Awaits | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it
By taking risks and revealing your truth, you create the possibility of more satisfying and intimate relationships with others—and with yourself.
Glori R Zeltzer, MFT's insight:

Would you like to know what it takes to bring your relationships to greater intimacy? Ms. Pollak gives great suggestions!

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Relationships… Should ‘Same Age’ be an Issue?

Relationships… Should ‘Same Age’ be an Issue? | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it
Nowadays one of the most pressing concerns that parents have is their son or daughter having a relationship with someone of their own age. ‘Same age’ relationship is never on parents’ list of favorite
Glori R Zeltzer, MFT's insight:

Although I write for an American, or western, culture audience, one of my followers suggested this article. It's interesting to view the romantic concerns of other cultures.

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To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This

To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it
What happens if you decide that falling in love is not something that happens to you, but something that you do?
Glori R Zeltzer, MFT's insight:

Whether it's to fall in love, or to stay in love, this is great! www.glorizeltzer.com

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The 12 Wedding Vows Your Divorce Attorney Would Write for You

The 12 Wedding Vows Your Divorce Attorney Would Write for You | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it
I have had the privilege and pleasure of representing some amazing people over the last 21 years who just could not make it work. Some really hardworking, big-hearted, intelligent, successful and beautiful people (inside and out) have been my clients...
Glori R Zeltzer, MFT's insight:

These are great vows, and food for thought for those already married. It's always easy to be our best selves when we're at our best! It's when the tough moments arise that it's the hardest. Are you and your partner struggling? Get help from a relationship specialist. www.glorizeltzer.com

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The Day I Realized I Was No Longer The Woman My Husband Wanted

The Day I Realized I Was No Longer The Woman My Husband Wanted | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it
I was no longer the girl my husband married, but I realized it before it was too late because he was too kind to tell me. It terrifies me to think how different my life and that of my children might have been if I had ignored the warning signs and no...
Glori R Zeltzer, MFT's insight:

This woman had a great awareness of how to keep her relationship alive! #intimacy#couples#relationshipcounseling @glorizeltzerma

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The Art of Intimate Conversation - YouTube

The Art of Intimate Conversation - YouTube | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it
http://ourventura.com/art-intimate-conversation/ Glori Zeltzer and Leon Berg discuss what they have found to be an effective communication strategy that help...
Glori R Zeltzer, MFT's insight:


Glori Zeltzer and Leon Berg discuss what they have found to be an effective communication strategy that helps to bring the Art of Intimate Conversation into the lives of couples. Learn more: www.tools-for-togetherness.com

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Manage Your Anxiety With These 12 Useful Tips

Manage Your Anxiety With These 12 Useful Tips | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it
As the most common mental illnesses in the U.S., anxiety can feel overwhelming and impossible to overcome. Here are 12 helpful tips to help you manage it.
Glori R Zeltzer, MFT's insight:

Anxiety effects many people in large and small doses. Read more about how you can manage anxiety. Note: Drugs don't get the job done! For more help: www.glorizeltzer.com

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10 Compassionate Ways to Support Loved Ones Suffering from Depression

10 Compassionate Ways to Support Loved Ones Suffering from Depression | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it
Here are 10 ways you can compassionately and effectively support your loved one who is struggling with depression.
Glori R Zeltzer, MFT's insight:

Depression is painful. It immobilizes. "Just get moving" isn't always possible.....it's like having your feet in wet cement. These are valuable insights.

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It’s not that she’s not getting to the point, it’s that he doesn’t get the point.

It’s not that she’s not getting to the point, it’s that he doesn’t get the point. | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it

Would you like to learn to listen to your partner??
Would you like your partner to learn to listen to you??? 

Glori R Zeltzer, MFT's insight:
Husbands/Boyfriends talk to their wives/girlfriends to convey information. Wives talk to their husbands to connect with them emotionally. 

The more detail wives go into with their husbands, the closer they feel. But, the more detail they go into, the more annoyed their husbands might feel because they have either heard this all before or she is not getting to the point. 
It’s not that she’s not getting to the point, it’s that he doesn’t get the point.

My partner and I do our own version of this dance. And we TEACH couples how to connect!! 
He's learned to ask me if I need him to do something, in response to my blah, blah, blah....
I've learned to tell him, I just need you to listen. After a recent incident where I really needed his emotional support, he said, "I don't know what I can do." My reply, "You just did it, I needed you to listen." 

And, it's not just women who need to connect emotionally, we're just more obvious. Men need it too, but they haven't been taught the tools, or given the message that it's ok to need.
Would you like to learn to listen to your partner??
Would you like your partner to learn to listen to you??? 
Contact me through www.tools-for-togetherness.com 
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How and Why to Ban the Silent Treatment from Your Relationship

How and Why to Ban the Silent Treatment from Your Relationship | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it

How and Why to Ban the Silent Treatment from Your Relationship

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Glori R Zeltzer, MFT's insight:

How and Why to Ban the Silent Treatment from Your RelationshipIt's part of the demand-withdraw pattern, and both partners have to take responsibility to change it

excerpts from The Wall Street Journal, online by Elizabeth Bernstein

 

A few years ago, Bruce and Melinda Williams had a big fight on their second wedding anniversary. Mr. Williams was on the road for work and didn't call home until evening—then forgot to mention the anniversary. Ms. Williams let her husband ramble on during the call. When he was getting ready to hang up, she reminded him of the date and told him she was deeply hurt. Mr. Williams became defensive. Ms. Williams got mad and yelled. Both spouses hung up angry.

And then Mr. Williams didn't call—or return his wife's calls—for three days. "It was the longest three days of my life," says Ms. Williams.

The silent treatment, one of the most common forms of conflict within a relationship, especially a romantic one, is part of what researchers call the "demand-withdraw" pattern. It happens when one partner repeatedly approaches the other with a request, whether asking for attention or change—or giving criticism—and is met with avoidance or silence.

Love for the Long Haul

Both partners need to be aware of the demand-withdraw pattern in order to break it. Talk about it, then work on altering your respective roles.

If you are the 'demand' partner:

Give your partner space when he pulls away.

Acknowledge that he feels threatened, but don't take it personally.

Take responsibility for your own actions that may contribute to the conflict.

If you are the 'withdraw' partner:

Separate feelings about your partner's demands from fears of, say, rejection or disapproval by your partner.

Acknowledge your need to pull away and ask your partner how you can make it easier for her.

Try approaching your partner more. Be bold about expressing your feelings.

Frustrated by the lack of response, the person who made the demands makes more. The person who withdrew retreats further. "It becomes a vicious cycle," says Sean Horan, assistant professor of communication at Texas State University. "Soon you're no longer addressing the issue at hand. You start arguing about arguing."

A meta-analysis of 74 studies encompassing more than 14,000 participants, published in the March 2014 Communication Monographs, found the demand-withdraw pattern to be one of the most damaging types of relationship conflict and one of the hardest patterns to break. It often is a predictor of divorce.

According to the analysis, the partner making the demand is typically a woman (women love to talk things out) while the one withdrawing is typically a man (men prefer to process feelings alone). Sometimes the roles are reversed, but it doesn't matter who does what. Both get hurt.

 

The damage is emotional and physical. Researchers found people who engaged in a demand-withdraw pattern had lower relationship satisfaction, less intimacy and poorer communication with their partner. They showed personality changes, such as less agreeableness and conscientiousness and more aggression and neuroticism. They even had physiological problems, including impaired immune system, urinary and bowel problems and erectile dysfunction.

Each person has a hand in it, yet each blames the other, says Paul Schrodt, a professor in the department of communication studies at Texas Christian University and lead researcher on the analysis. The demander feels her partner won't open up to her and her emotional needs aren't being met, while the withdrawer feels he is being hounded. "The more polarized the partners become, the more difficult it is for them to stop engaging in the behaviors," Dr. Schrodt says.

To break the cycle, Dr. Schrodt says each partner has to become aware of the pattern, of his or her role in it and of the other partner's point of view. The person making demands feels abandoned; the silent person is protecting himself. Each needs to ask, "Why am I behaving this way? How does my behavior make my partner feel?"

Talk with your partner about how this shows up in your relationship. The demand-withdraw pattern and your own part in it. Catch yourself next time you start to engage in it.

Agree to take a timeout. It helps to decide on a signal ahead of time. We have to be calm enough to listen to each other. Agree to come back together when you are both able to listen to talk about the feelings underlying the conflict before you try to solve anything.

If your demands and requests are being ignored, you'll need to give your partner space. If your partner is pursuing you, tell them you need time to digest their request. Try to engage each other’s empathy. Using “I” statements, When you pull away, I feel_____”  “When you demand _____ from me I feel____”

Be careful to avoid labels such as "selfish," "rude" and "uncaring." Communication experts call this "evaluative language."

If you are the one who withdraws, acknowledge your need to pull away, and learn to tell your partner when you need space. "At least the other person won't feel shut out," says Warren Kennaugh, a leading behavioral strategist based in Sydney, Australia, who works with clients on this issue. "It's the non-explanation that drives them to a high level of discomfort."

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Caught Having an Affair? 7 Ways to Minimize the Damage - by Linda Engelman, MFT Relationship Counselor

Caught Having an Affair? 7 Ways to Minimize the Damage - by Linda Engelman, MFT Relationship Counselor | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it

Linda Engelman is a licensed marriage and family therapist (MFT) in Danville, California.

Glori R Zeltzer, MFT's insight:

Repairing trust is the greatest challenge after an affair.

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13 Amazing Reasons Why Couples Who Travel Together Stay Together

13 Amazing Reasons Why Couples Who Travel Together Stay Together | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it
The interesting reasons why couples who travel together have more reasons to be together
Glori R Zeltzer, MFT's insight:

When we travel together we create shared memories of fun times together!

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10 Inspiring Quotes That Lead You To A Long And Happy Marriage

10 Inspiring Quotes That Lead You To A Long And Happy Marriage | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it
Did the love of your life just propose? Maybe you've just recently said "I do," or you've been hitched for a few years now. With the divorce rates high and
Glori R Zeltzer, MFT's insight:

Just in time for Valentine's Day, inspiration for the whole year! Appreciate your love often. Nurture your relationship!

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"Blended Families" Ron Deal and Dr. Kim - Final Thoughts

"Blended Families" Ron Deal and Dr. Kim - Final Thoughts | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it
Ron and Dr. Kim wrap up this Blended Family series.
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The Likely Cause of Addiction Has Been Discovered, and It Is Not What You Think

The Likely Cause of Addiction Has Been Discovered, and It Is Not What You Think | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it

"... the opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It is human connection. New evidence about addiction isn't just a challenge to us politically. It doesn't just force us to change our minds. It forces us to change our hearts....

Glori R Zeltzer, MFT's insight:

Very compelling article demonstrating the importance our connections with each other.

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11 Couples Sharing Secrets to a Lasting Relationship...for a good chuckle!

11 Couples Sharing Secrets to a Lasting Relationship...for a good chuckle! | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it
11 Couples Sharing Secrets to a Lasting Relationship #9 is Awesome
Glori R Zeltzer, MFT's insight:

My favorite part of this article is the sense of humor people show in their relationships. I think a good sense of humor goes a long way! www.glorizeltzer.com

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Is Sleep Sabotaging Your Relationship? - Park Avenue Relationship Consultants

Is Sleep Sabotaging Your Relationship? - Park Avenue Relationship Consultants | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it

Do your partner’s early bird ways clash with your night owl habits? Mismatched sleep schedules can be a huge source of tension in relationships. Here's some advice about solving this all-too-common issue.

Glori R Zeltzer, MFT's insight:

Sleep is so important for our physical and mental health. Consider these simple tips.

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Protecting Your Relationship From Emotional Infidelity

Protecting Your Relationship From Emotional Infidelity | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it
As human beings we all have an overpowering need for human connection. We want to feel as though we matter. It is important that we are affirmed and that our worth is validated. Most of us therefor...
Glori R Zeltzer, MFT's insight:

When emotional connection in our relationship is waning, we are vulnerable to seeking connection outside. This article gives good guidance to prevent emotional infidelity. #relationships#counseling#marriagecounseling

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Learn How to Make a Genuine Apology

Learn How to Make a Genuine Apology | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it
How to make a genuine apology to repair your relationship or friendship.
Glori R Zeltzer, MFT's insight:

An apology is meant to convey understanding that something you've done was found to be hurtful to someone else. It's not about agreeing with the other's feelings or who is right or wrong. Samantha Rodman's brief article gives 4 simple steps to a complete heartfelt apology.

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#pain #love  

#pain #love   | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it
#pain #love   - SEO Neha - Google+
Glori R Zeltzer, MFT's insight:

Thank you to Neha Verma for sharing her poetry about love and broken hearts.  

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These 10 Simple Things You Do Are Making Your Marriage Last, Even Though You’re Not Aware Of It

These 10 Simple Things You Do Are Making Your Marriage Last, Even Though You’re Not Aware Of It | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it
Don't take these 10 things for granted. They ensure that you'll have a happy and lasting marriage.
Glori R Zeltzer, MFT's insight:

It's amazingly simple to keep the fires burning strong. These ten simple acts show us how.

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Tips for an Intimate Conversation--Anniversary Edition

Tips for an Intimate Conversation--Anniversary Edition | Relationship Quandaries | Scoop.it

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Glori R Zeltzer, MFT's insight:

Our workshop participants are often surprised at the playfulness, and erotic energy that they see between us.  

We've been asked, "How long have you two been together?" 

Thinking I'm going to answer, "Oh, a couple years."

 

But we just celebrated thirteen years together....

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