"I was taught early on that whiteness, inside or outside of me, was dangerous.
That pain came not only from the presence of racism, but from my personal investment in it.
since I had stopped looking for racism around every corner, I hadn’t experienced any.
As a woman who had been trained to be racially paranoid before I could read, it was a freedom I had never felt.
Accepting myself as multiracial requires a great deal of forgiveness, and I was pleasantly surprised to find a well of forgiveness within me ready to tap. The truth does that, it opens up stores of forgiveness that cannot be accessed when it is being repressed. I found myself forgiving my family, forgiving myself, forgiving both white and black people, and forgiving of all of my ancestors. Talking to a friend I heard myself say, “One group of my ancestors (English) enslaved another group of my ancestors (Africans) and murdered another group (Native American). (As far as I am aware the Italians are in the clear). I am ready to be at peace with that.”
This blew me away.
I am ready to be at peace.
I have to be at peace. I spent too many years in the angst of a deception, staring at my truth in the mirror and obscuring it through the tools of anger, paranoia, and fear, trying to prove to everyone else that I exist within their parameters. Now I choose to look in the mirror and see a miracle of history, the dissonance and conflict that led to who I am can exist in a happy person, and maybe one day, in a happy culture."