The adult industry is huge and growing year on year. At any given moment it has been calculated that 30.000 people all over the world are watching porn, whilst the trade in sex toys grosses around $15 billion a year. Gone are the days of creepy old men in seedy shops peddling porn to equally creepy old men; the adult industry is big business.
On websites such as LoveNirvana.com you can search through thousands of items in dozens of categories and have them delivered right to your door within days. The world is sex toy mad. In the name of research (purely scientific, you understand) I spent some time trawling these sites for the best and most ‘unusual’ products I could find. Here’s what I came up with.
Hen Night Bride Spanker
Every good hen night needs copious amounts of booze, some promiscuous strippers and a lot of dancing, singing and shouting, but every good hen night also needs a bad bride, which is where the Hen Night Bride Spanker comes in. This pink paddle comes with its own pen so you can write an obscene warning to the bride’s backside right before you whack it.
As well as providing some shocks (and thrills) to the bride-to-be, this shoe-shaped paddle will give the groom a few surprises when he peels back his wife’s dress on the wedding night and finds a collage of bright red footprints on his her battered cheeks.
Sexy Skeleton Outfit
Women love to see men in sexy uniforms (firemen, policemen) and men love to see women in sexy outfits, from French maids to skimpy nurses and sexy skeletons, they all--
Wait, what was that last one again?
The Halloween Sexy Skeleton Outfit is an ideal costume for a slutty
Halloween party, or any party for that matter (although I wouldn’t advise wearing it to a dinner party). If your new boyfriend buys you this for his own pleasure and asks you to wear it around the house, there’s cause for concern and a good chance he’s got a few more realistic looking skeletons hidden in his closet or under the floorboards.
Looking like a cross between a medieval plague mask and a pneumatic drill, this mask is highly flexible and waterproof. And, if you hide it away in your bottom drawer and it gets discovered by your children, it can provide hours of awkward questioning and numerous Kodak moments.
It’s amazing who they accept into the armed forces these days. You know times are tough when slack-jawed women with wipe-clean combats and exposed breasts can make it onto the minimum wage fields of warfare.
Kombat Cherri is ready for action, though I don’t think she would last very long in a war zone.
OhMiBod iPod Vibrator
The ultimate in high-tech sex toys, the OhMyBod iPod Vibrator plugs directly into your iPod and the vibrator syncs with whatever music you’re listening to. Whether it’s fast and heavy rock music or something soft and soulful, you can this advanced sex toy take you places you’ve never been before.
Going Down Outfit
Continuing the theme of ‘fancy dress’ this black & white number is straight out of the Shawshank Redemption, if the Shawshank Redemption was full of half naked women. If you really are “going down”, I suppose you might as well do it in style.
Glow in the Dark Pussy
If you’ve ever looked at a pussy and thought, “That would be so much better if it glowed in the dark,” then the Super Stretch Glowing Pussy is the answer to all of your weird little desires.
Looking like radioactive genitalia, this synthetic vagina is ribbed and fits over your penis like some creepy, glowing, alien glove. After use it is recommend that the Glow in the Dark Pussy is washed, refitted, and then worn naked around the house when your relatives are staying over; the sight of a penis-shaped disembodied blob bouncing around in the dark like some spectral orb, will make them think twice about sleeping on your couch and stealing your food.
Ex Husband Voodoo Doll.
Lets be honest, your ex husband is a prick. There are no two ways about it. He didn’t treat you right, he didn’t do any of the house work and he probably had a small penis. He wasn’t good for much, which is probably why you divorced him. But, despite burning his clothes, pissing in his mouthwash and posting naked pictures of him on Facebook, you still don’t feel vindicated.
That’s where the Ex Husband Voodoo Doll comes in. Now your ex husband can be your slave, and that useless sack of shit will finally be good for something.
Travel Sized Granny Love Doll
This 26 inch bikini-clad octogenarian comes with a vaginal hole to fulfill all of your GILF fantasies. She’s fit for her age, bakes one hell of a cherry pie and is the ideal partner for a stag party.
She’s also travel sized, and when you take this granny on your trip she won’t sit in the back seat moaning about the “good old days” and demanding constant stops to use the toilet, delouse her wig or whatever it is old people do.
There is a cornucopia of weird and wonderful sexual delights out there; from outfits to cater for every fetish, to dildos to cater for every hole. All of these images and products were taken from LoveNirvana.com, a veritable emporium of porn...ium. They stock the UK’s largest selection of adult toys and games and offer fast and discreet delivery.