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'I want a world where disabled people are valid sexual partners'

'I want a world where disabled people are valid sexual partners' | Infidelity | Scoop.it

Recent reports that a care home procured sex workers for its disabled residents and new film The Sessions have put disability and sex in the spotlight. But is the focus on prostitution helpful? 

 

Ash King felt as if he had spent his adult life searching for some sort of sexual intimacy. Born with a severe spinal and muscular condition, sexwas something he still hadn't experienced by the age of 35 and he was afraid that, with his disability making him increasingly weak, he never would. In 2010, after becoming isolated and depressed, King decided to hire a sex worker.

 

"I couldn't make someone fall in love with me," he says, "but I could at least learn about my sexual potential and more about women by paying a sex worker." Looking back at his first sexual encounter, King describes it as an "enlightenment".

 

The sexual needs of people with disabilities are under the spotlight like never before after the release of Oscar-nominated film The Sessions, which is based on the true of story of a man confined to an iron lung who loses his virginity to a "sexual surrogate". And last month, ex-staff from a care home in Eastbourne, in East Sussex, told the press they had allowed sex workers into the home at the request of disabled residents. Helena Barrow, ex-manager of the Chaseley, a nursing home for 55 people with neurological problems and learning difficulties, called it the residents' "special visit", and said it helped them to relieve a "primeval need they cannot fulfil".

 

The Chaseley Trust, which runs the home, denies procuring prostitutes for its residents. But its chief executive, Sue Wyatt, said in a written statement: "We are acutely aware of the rights of disabled people and where an individual expresses a wish to have a physical relationship and we can safely and legally support them with their partner, we will do so."

King found his sexual surrogate online, through the TLC Trust, a UK organisation that seeks to connect people with disabilities to sex workers. According to its founder, sex therapist Tuppy Owens, each of the 100 sex workers listed on the website could be seeing around eight disabled clients a month. "Finding a sex worker who will talk, teach, accept … is a bit of a boost of confidence and self-esteem," she says.

 

Becky Adams, who describes herself as a former madam, runs a not-for-profit, telephone-based service supported by TLC, and says she receives about 12 inquiries a week from disabled and vulnerable people looking for a trusted sex worker. She plans to open the first brothel designed for disabled clients in the UK next year. She says she wants to provide an environment in which people with disabilities can explore theirsexuality. "That can be sex," she says, "but also having a cuddle. It could even be someone having an hour cross-dressing who wouldn't normally have the privacy to. I've been overwhelmed by the response we've had."

 

One of her clients, Chris Fulton, 29, who has cerebral palsy and muscular dystrophy, has launched a campaign calling on the government to introduce a Netherlands-style grant scheme in which citizens with disabilities receive public money to pay for sexual services up to 12 times a year. But disability charities say the issue is not a priority. Richard Hawkes, chief executive of the disability charity Scope, says: "We need to break through taboos around disability and sex. But it's impossible to have any kind of relationship if you don't have the support you need to get out of bed, get washed and dressed, have a proper meal and get out of the house. At the same time, many disabled people are worrying how they'll pay the bills. Living costs are spiralling, jobs are hard to come by and the government is cutting disability living allowance and employment and support allowance."

 

In the UK, paying for sex is not against the law but it is illegal to solicit sexual services. Amanda Smith, an escort in her 40s from south London, who has a listing on the TLC website, says: "For some men, the only touch they've ever had is their mum bathing them." Talking about the practicalities of providing sexual services to disabled clients, she says: "I've lifted grown men who weighed less than a five-year-old from their wheelchair to the bed, and then back again, fully dressed for the takeover by carers or family."

 

Some of the bookings are made by the parent of the client, says Smith – typically fathers. "Sex is a need, like food," she says. "If you can't quell it, it should be taken care of. It's cruel not to."

 

It is language that is rarely used in reference to women with disabilities. Owens says she would like to see this change, and has known disabled women who have used male escorts. But she acknowledges that many disabled women feared the risk of being abused. They "don't trust male sex workers to be honourable", she says. A rare survey of disabled people's attitudes to prostitution, conducted by Disability Now magazine in 2005, found that just 19% of women said they would see trained sex workers, compared with 63% of men.

 

Mik Scarlet, a writer and campaigner in sexuality and disability, sees the use of sex workers as a potentially harmful development. "It's like the world telling you that disabled people are so unsexy that the only way they can have sex is to pay for it," he says. "If you're growing up as a disabled child or someone who's just come to disability, how does that affect how you feel about yourself? I don't want a world where it's easier for disabled people to visit sex workers, I want a world that sees disabled people as sexual and valid prospective partners."

 

Penny Pepper, author of Desires Reborn, a fictional depiction of the relationships of a group of disabled characters, agrees: "What disabled people need is full and equal rights. An inclusive society, which doesn't create barriers." Forming sexual relationships, casual or committed, with mistakes is part of that, she says.

 

Laurence Clark, a comedian who has cerebral palsy and featured, along with his wife Adele who also has cerebral palsy, in BBC documentary We Won't Drop the Baby as they prepared for the birth of their second child, says many people with disabilities are in emotionally and sexually fulfilling relationships.

 

Before getting married, he says he had mixed experiences of dating. "I found the traditional ways that people find partners, such as going to clubs and bars, didn't really work for me, as attraction in those sorts of environments is very much based on looks," says Clark. "But like lots of people, I tended to date through people that I met at work and people in my social networks."

 

He says the media greatly affects disabled people's self-confidence, rarely portraying them in relationships or even as having sexual partners. "It's a sad reflection on society when a disabled person thinks that a sex worker is the only option for them," he adds.

 

King says he has always wanted a girlfriend. The severity of his disability means he is able to do little for himself, though, and he needs a live-in personal assistant and close contact with his parents, who live across the street from him. "I have a lack of personal privacy that would seem to be essential for [a relationship]," he says. He jokes that there's also the small matter of his body not having the shape that draws "admiring glances". "I've always tried to make light of it," he says. "I've longed to be in a relationship ever since I can remember. It felt, and still feels, impossible."

 

For him, being with a sex worker was a way to have at least some sexual experiences. "To think I could have gone through my life never having known [what sex is like] is frightening," he says. "Nobody should ever have to do so. It's too much part of being human."

Some names have been changed


Via PunterPress
Loving Links - Married dating guru's insight:

really inteersting - my favourite disabled dating site is www.disabilitymatch.co.uk

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Sergeant 'hanged herself because of PC husband's affair with PCSO'

Sergeant 'hanged herself because of PC husband's affair with PCSO' | Infidelity | Scoop.it
Louise Gibson disappeared after a 'welfare meeting' at work following the discovery her husband was seeing someone and committed suicide.
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A Timeless Love: Statistics and Facts on Dating at 50+ on imgfave

A Timeless Love: Statistics and Facts on Dating at 50+ on imgfave | Infidelity | Scoop.it
A fun image sharing community. Explore amazing art and photography and share your own visual inspiration!
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Worldwide Views And Statistics About Extramarital Affairs

Worldwide Views And Statistics About Extramarital Affairs | Infidelity | Scoop.it
This is an infographic on worldwide views and
statistics about extramarital affairs. Adultery
has become an infamous culture that is deeply
ingrained in human society.
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Our latest Infographic

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Britain's bedroom secrets revealed in new survey

Britain's bedroom secrets revealed in new survey | Infidelity | Scoop.it
Women in the south-east are most likely to experiment in the bedroom while those in the north are least likely to reveal what they get up to.
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Lots to digest here!

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Is Emotional Infidelity Worse Than A Sexual Affair?

Is Emotional Infidelity Worse Than A Sexual Affair? | Infidelity | Scoop.it
Emotional infidelity is defined when one partner goes outside the primary relationship to get his or her emotional needs met. It is more common and more damaging than you might imagine.
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Good article on this aspect of affairs

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Vanity Fair May Discuss Gwyneth Paltrow's Extramarital Gooping

Vanity Fair May Discuss Gwyneth Paltrow's Extramarital Gooping | Infidelity | Scoop.it
A new sodium-laced report about the GOOP-y bombshell Vanity Fair is about to drop in its Gwyneth Paltrow cover story next month may have the answer as to why the actress has been feuding with the magazine and warning her friends to decline...
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Dr. Martin MacNeill caught in a web of lies?

Dr. Martin MacNeill caught in a web of lies? | Infidelity | Scoop.it
Nancy Grace will be covering the Dr. Martin MacNeill trial live, gavel-to-gavel, only on HLN.Every day leading up to the Dr. Martin MacNeill trial, we are bringing you the latest in the case.
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Download CheckMate_Infidelity_Tests_detect_Semen_Test_Kit_at_home_use_10_testsbox_Review.pdf from Sendspace.com - send big files the easy way

Download CheckMate_Infidelity_Tests_detect_Semen_Test_Kit_at_home_use_10_testsbox_Review.pdf from Sendspace.com - send big files the easy way | Infidelity | Scoop.it

CheckMate_Infidelity_Tests_detect_Semen_Test_Kit_at_home

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Scary stuff...

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Church discipline: How accountability has changed — and hasn't — for today's ... - Chattanooga Times Free Press

Church discipline: How accountability has changed — and hasn't — for today's ... - Chattanooga Times Free Press | Infidelity | Scoop.it
Church discipline: How accountability has changed — and hasn't — for today's ...
Chattanooga Times Free Press
Meanwhile, extramarital affairs and premarital sex are moral crises facing congregations across the country, he said.
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Woman burned by husband dies at Goa Medical College and Hospital - Times of India

Woman burned by husband dies at Goa Medical College and Hospital - Times of India | Infidelity | Scoop.it
Woman burned by husband dies at Goa Medical College and Hospital Times of India Vasco police said, "The couple often fought as the wife suspected the husband of having an extramarital affair." Last Sunday, August 25, Hemamari Kadarkhot and her...
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How sad :-(

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Bo Xilai blames extramarital affairs for estrangement with wife - World - dna

Bo Xilai blames extramarital affairs for estrangement with wife - World -  dna | Infidelity | Scoop.it
Chinese Politician Bo Xilai has revealed his extra-marital affairs had broken down his marriage with Gu Kailai and that he was unaware of her financial dealings - World dna
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This is a guy with problems

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The Economic Crisis Makes Infidelity too Expensive

The Economic Crisis Makes Infidelity too Expensive | Infidelity | Scoop.it
Barbie Latza Nadeau on how the economic crisis is putting an end to the affair.
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Well now the recession is beginning to hurt..

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Generation Hookup.

Generation Hookup. | Infidelity | Scoop.it

 

“Romantic goals change from finding boyfriends to finding hook up buddies… a guy we don’t actually really like, but we think he is really attractive and hot and good in bed.”     ~ Student at University of Pennsylvania

 

"The death of love and romance for our youth is not really news. I have been witnessing the diminishing numbers of kids choosing to partner for over a decade within my own kids. They were among a small minority of their peers in high school that had steady boy and girl friends. As singles at the University, they both reported how dating was dead.

 

This generation of college students doesn’t believe in romance. How could they when everyone they know is hooking up? This new form of relationship is actually just sex without the relationship. "


Via PAT NOVAK
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more lovinglinks clients in the future..

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I was a virgin at 51 (despite being married twice)

I was a virgin at 51 (despite being married twice) | Infidelity | Scoop.it
Maria-Louise Warne, from Tiverton, Devon, spent the prime years of her life in two sexless marriages.
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David Miller is UK's Leading Expert on Married Dating

David Miller is UK's Leading Expert on Married Dating | Infidelity | Scoop.it
David Miller is ranked as the #1 expert on married dating in the United Kingdom after 20 years unrivaled work in the marital affairs sector.
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Read about David Miller

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Paul Hollywood finally admits US affair is

Paul Hollywood finally admits US affair is | Infidelity | Scoop.it
Great British Bake-Off's Paul Hollywood admits US affair is the biggest mistake of his life, but is it just a half-baked apology?
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Looks like his goose is truly cooked...

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Top turn-ons? Clean sheets and weight loss: Survey finds what really is most effective at getting your partner into bed

Top turn-ons? Clean sheets and weight loss: Survey finds what really is most effective at getting your partner into bed | Infidelity | Scoop.it
Slimming, winning money and fresh bed sheets are most likely to get women in the mood for passion, a new study has found.
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Yup makes good sense!

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Chinese man shocked to find his son's wife is woman he met online

Chinese man shocked to find his son's wife is woman he met online | Infidelity | Scoop.it
Wang, 57, arranged to meet Lili at a hotel in Muling City in the Heilongjiang province, not knowing her real identity. His son (and Lili's husband) caught them red-handed.
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Real case of Chinese whispers LOL

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Dubai sex charge Briton lied to avoid being stoned

Dubai sex charge Briton lied to avoid being stoned | Infidelity | Scoop.it
A woman has told of her ordeal in a Dubai prison after being imprisoned for having sex outside marriage
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Dubai is not the place to go for this sort of lifestyle.

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How to have an affair. Our latest infographic is ready.

How to have an affair.  Our latest infographic is ready. | Infidelity | Scoop.it
Blog post at David's adultery blog :

We had a big success with our last effort which had lots of social shares and we are hoping that this one will give a fresh take on 'hav[..]
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Check this great infographic!

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Yoko Ono opens up about John Lennon's infidelity - Daily News & Analysis

Yoko Ono opens up about John Lennon's infidelity - Daily News & Analysis | Infidelity | Scoop.it
Daily News & Analysis
Yoko Ono opens up about John Lennon's infidelity
Daily News & Analysis
Ono said that Lennon was staggering around and went into another room and started making love to a woman. File photo of John Lennon - Getty Images.
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Rock'n roll!

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Shonda Rhimes On 'Scandal' Controversy 'To Me it's Not About Adultery' - Eurweb.com

Shonda Rhimes On 'Scandal' Controversy 'To Me it's Not About Adultery' - Eurweb.com | Infidelity | Scoop.it
Shonda Rhimes On 'Scandal' Controversy 'To Me it's Not About Adultery' Eurweb.com *ABC executive producer David Zabel stated that he hoped viewers could accept characters engaging in an extramarital affair from his show “Betrayel” as they have with...
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Powel denies having extramarital affair

Powel denies having extramarital affair | Infidelity | Scoop.it
Former US secretary of state Powell denies having affair with top Romanian politician.
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Infidelity, easy to spot

Infidelity, easy to spot | Infidelity | Scoop.it
London: If your partner is keeping distance from you or avoiding family and friends, there are chances that he or she is cheating on you.
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Hide the giveaway signals

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Learn the Art of Intellectual Foreplay

Learn the Art of Intellectual Foreplay | Infidelity | Scoop.it

By Tonya Leigh

 

 “Words really flattering are not those which we propose but those which escape us unthinkably.” ~Ninon de L'Enclos

 

Suddenly, I realized that the people sitting around that table possessed something that I didn’t: a passion for life coupled with an arsenal of intellectual and conversational skills that had somehow escaped me during my over three decades on this earth.

 

As I watched the playful and at times tense (think Italians flailing their arms around in the air and the French shrugging their shoulders and rolling their eyes) exchange of ideas and opinions, I made another observation. The most captivating woman in the room was not necessarily the most beautiful one or the one carrying the Birkin (now don’t get me wrong, I love a Birkin). She was the one who knew how to use her passion paired with words to charm the audience.


Via PAT NOVAK
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Well worth readin

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Dr. Amy Fuller's curator insight, July 15, 2013 2:11 AM

My favorite parts of thiis lovely tranformational narrative:


  • In France, words are used as play.  It’s not just what you say, but how you say it.  It didn’t take me long to realize that my direct American-style way of speaking was often viewed as rude (or dull) in a French conversation.  The French have a way of adding humor, wit and charm to very serious topics, making it easier to digest.
  • Conversation is like a dance.  Sometimes, you must let others take the lead but always keep up, unless of course, you don’t like the dance.
  • So, here’s my challenge for you.  Begin to weed out all those things you’ve been taught you should know and begin to indulge yourself in what truly inspires you.
Ari Meier's curator insight, July 30, 2013 11:03 PM

Mind sex