Ted Weems & His Orchestra
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Interview: Stan Goldberg, author of ‘Loving, Supporting, and Caring for the Cancer Patient’
Erin was targeted due to her being in "Foster Care" in Arkansas. During the time of December 27, 1995 - January 10, 1996 !!! When Erin took Hayley to the Hospital the first time. They ( CPS ) check Erin's history !! When they found out she was in "Foster Care" in Arkansas !!!…
[Photo by Riaz Padamsee] "Do not follow the ideas of others, but learn to listen to the voice within yourself." - Dogen Zenji The fact is, the Internet has made it such that most everyone these days is a writer of some sort - no, you may not be...
Via Mary E. Berens-Oney
Jan Bergmans's insight:
TY Mary ;-)
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Jan Bergmans's insight:
Your answers here will help me complete a long awaited program that I've been working on for some time. The course will help people find more energy, feel more alive and improve connectedness in relationships.
When a loved one dies unexpectedly, we not only mourn their loss, but also regret what we failed to tell her.
Jan Bergmans's insight:
I’ve counseled many people who never asked themselves the question. They assumed their loved one would outlast them. “I never thought she would die before me,” a caregiver said at a meeting two months after his wife died. “I’m the one with the heart condition.
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Her cancer came on so unexpectedly, we didn’t have a chance to have the type of conversations you always wanted but were afraid to have.”How to Plan for a Loved One’s Death
There is substantial information available that can enable you to financially and legally prepare for a loved one’s death whether or not it’s imminent.
Most of this information involves what I call “housekeeping chores,” important but fairly routine tasks. They are activities lawyers, accountants, and other professionals can assist with, such as setting up trusts, filing taxes, planning for internment, etc.
While there can be financial and legal problems if these activities aren’t done in advance of a person’s death, most are correctable, or their effects can be minimized. However, living with regrets because you neglected to do or say something when your loved one was alive, can create emotional pain that can remain forever.How to Prevent Regrets
I’ve found regret torments many people following the death of a loved one. “Why didn’t I tell her how much she meant to me?” “I wish I could have taken that hurtful statement back.” “I never forgave her for having an affair, but I should have.”
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Rein natürliches Präparat hilft bei Blasenentzündung, besonders wirksam
The solution to not living with regrets is to “clean your plate,” every day. Instead of allowing something to ferment—sometimes for years, take care of it on a daily basis. Steven Levine wrote a book in which he asked readers to imagine they had one year to live. How would you live it? In my counseling, I shorten the timeline to twenty-four hours.
If you knew you would be dead in one day, what would you say to your loved one?
Living Your Life As If It Will End Tomorrow
Since my cancer diagnosis thirteen years ago, I’ve tried to live my life as if it will end within twenty-four hours. When I shared this approach with some people, they thought it was a morbid and depressing exercise.
To the contrary, it has been fulfilling to me and soothing to friends and family. Difficulties in relationships don’t linger. If I do an unskillful act, I try to apologize as soon as possible. If I’m the recipient of an unskillful act, I try to forgive or at least understand what was behind it. If I’ve received a kindness from someone, I offer my gratitude to them.
I’m seventy, and my wife is sixty-eight. Will I be upset if she goes first? Of course. But it will be because I lost a loving companion of forty-five years, not because I regret having held back expressing gratitude, offering forgiveness, asking for forgiveness or expressing my love.
At the end of our lives, what do we most wish for? For many, it’s simply comfort, respect, love. BJ Miller is a palliative care physician at Zen Hospice Project who thinks deeply about how to create a dignified, graceful end of life for his patients. Take the time to savor this moving talk, which asks big questions about how we think on death and honor life.
Imagine you’re caring for someone as arrogant and unappreciative as Donald Trump. Worse, this person is your loved one.
Jan Bergmans's insight:
Leaning Into Sharp Points
My hospice assignment was to care for an elderly man with stage IV lung cancer. He was a white supremacist; I was an aging political radical from the 1960’s.
Each of us was the embodiment of what the other despised.
I could have refused the assignment, but I didn’t. My caring for him would be a test of my ability to be compassionate, and it would offer a unique learning experience. In hospice, I learned an important axiom: The more discomfort I sense, the more important the lesson. Caring for the man changed my life.When We Can’t Withdraw
Sometimes there is the opportunity to withdraw from a caregiving situation, such as I could have done as a hospice volunteer. But for people with limited finances, there is no choice.
As a nation we undervalue the importance of caregiving. If we didn’t, government support for home care wouldn’t be controversial. Even when it’s possible to hire professional caregivers, the emotional draw of a loved one often pulls caregivers into disastrous situations.
Open source software matches benefits to eligible recipients
Kom jij werken bij het meest relaxte strandpaviljoen van Bergen aan Zee? Wij zijn op zoek naar strandmensen met pit. Liefst met horeca-ervaring, om ons te ondersteunen bij de afwas, in de bediening of achter de bar. Op afroepbasis vanaf heden. Neem contact met ons op en vraag naar Ellen. email@example.com
Erin was targeted due to her being in “Foster Care” in Arkansas. During the time of December 27, 1995 – January 10, 1996 !!! When Erin took Hayley to the Hospital the first time. They ( CPS ) check Erin’s history !! When they found out she was in “Foster Care” in Arkansas !!! That is why they took Hayley away from her !! When your child is put in “Foster Care” they have a “Red Flag” on them the rest of there lives !!! So when Hayley has Children !!! Her Children will have the same “Red Flag” !!! Is this RIGHT ??? NO !!! Did you know that your paying for this out of your “Tax Dollars” ??? It is time you all asked yourself these question ??? The things I have found out this last week would scare all of you to DEATH !!! We really don’t own our Children !!! The State DOES !!! This really “Pisses Me Off” !! It is time we took our Children back and started to “Fight For Their Future” !!! CPS is NOT TO BE TRUSTED !!! PERIOD !!!!!
Our Recovery Fund From CPS by Mary E. Berens-Oney - Hello: My name is Mary E Oney. My Family has been going though a hard time due to CPS. CPS has drained our Rainy Day Account. Now that CPS is out of lives. We need these funds ASAP ( As Soon As Possible ) This would mean a great deal to my Family. Could you please helps us get back to a eve
Depressie: een verhaal over je leven waarmee je totaal geïdentificeerd bent. Inclusief meningen over jezelf en je verled…
Jan Bergmans's insight:
Als je er klaar voor bent te stoppen, maakt de methode op zich niet veel meer uit. Er is geen universele oplossing anders was er niemand meer verslaafd en/of zouden mensen niet meer zo massaal terugvallen. Verslaving is in feite nog steeds een raadsel, en om te kunnen stoppen, moet alles kloppen.
Op 22 oktober 2012 was ik er blijkbaar écht klaar voor om de onvoorstelbaar ingewikkelde reis te maken die ontnuchtering heet. Want het betekende niet alleen het doorstaan van talloze ontwenningsverschijnselen en het trotseren van álle vuiligheid die ik mijn hele leven hardnekkig en weinig elegant had vermeden en weggestopt; het betekende vooral een onvoorstelbaar diep onderzoek naar mijn chronische onzeker- en ontevredenheid, en alle misvattingen die ik had over mijn bestaan en de ‘ik’ die ik dacht te zijn.
Om een lang verhaal even samen te vatten: ik kwam terecht in de hel. Maandenlang heb ik geleefd in een wereld waaruit langzaam maar zeker al het licht verdween, mijn energievoorraad volledig opraakte, en een woeste rivier van loodzware pijn en giftige schaamte eindeloos door mijn lichaam kolkte. Terwijl mijn enige en levenslange methode om te dealen met tegenslag en obstakels middelengebruik was, moest ik een compleet nieuwe manier leren om met gruwelijke innerlijke pijn om te gaan. Ik moest nu niet alleen de ellende uit het verleden weerstaan op de meest rauwe manier mogelijk, maar ook nog eens leren omgaan met de stem in mijn hoofd die een steeds reëler verhaal leek te vertellen over gelukzalig wegzinken in een eindeloze hoeveelheid drank. En dat dag na dag, seconde na seconde. Terwijl ik het leven uit me weg voelde glippen. Kortom: ik moest mezelf volledig opnieuw uitvinden, zonder dat ik ook maar énig idee had van hoe dat eruitzag.
By the way: mijn ontnuchtering ging gepaard met een depressie die ik mijn ergste vijand niet zou toewensen. Intense pijn hebben is één ding; leven in het epicentrum van het kansloze gevoel dat je continu kapot gaat is een heel ander verhaal. Ik lag soms dagen in mijn huis op de grond, afwisselend huilend en schreeuwend naar het plafond, omdat ik me van moment tot moment tot in elke vezel realiseerde dat ik het zelf niet meer in de hand had, en dat ik was overgeleverd aan het leven. Ik, Mister Controlfreak, was iedere illusie van macht over mijn wereld kwijt. Het enige wat ik steeds maar kon denken was ‘Waarom overkomt mij dit?’. Er was geen enkele manier meer om de pijn te ontvluchten.
Twee jaar later. Ik ben er doorheen gekomen (misschien overbodig te vermelden, maar ik zeg het toch maar even), en het gaat bijzonder goed met me. Ik heb het volgehouden, ook al was ik minstens tienduizend keer vlakbij een hernieuwde overgave aan de drank of drugs. Niemand is voorbereid op dit soort intense kwellingen, je kunt het niet vooraf leren of oefenen, en ik kon uiteindelijk niets anders doen dan me volledig overgeven. Ik kon niets anders doen dan toegeven dat ik het gewoon niet meer wist en hopeloos verloren was. In die situatie van complete uitputting en kansloosheid, nam mijn instinct het over. Als ik destijds op het punt stond overstag te gaan (vaak) of létterlijk niets meer kon bedenken om voor te leven, was er een minimaal, bijna onvoelb
I’ve accomplished a lot, and learned a lot since I stopped drinking two years ago. Here’s nine things I’ve learned.
Jan Bergmans's insight:
What I learned not drinking for two years
Two years ago today I last got shithoused. It was the closing night of the Lincoln Lodge, a fantastic comedy venue in Chicago in the back of a now-closed diner. They’ve since moved, but after that show, I thought I should take a breather from drinking — and eating meat — and focus on productivity.
Here’s a short list of what I’ve accomplished since I stopped drinking two years ago:Lost 75 poundsBought a bad-ass loft condoFinished a first draft of an advice bookStarted exercising three days a week, then fourWent from a size XXL to size LargePerformed in three comedy festivalsGot a badass new job at Breaking News (download our apps!)Finished multiple drafts of multiple television and movie scriptsWent from 42-inch waist to 36-inchWent from hating myself daily to relatively enjoying myself
A lot of this is what I externally accomplished, what I can show on paper. But I think that last one is the most important.
I’ve learned a lot in two years, so I thought I’d share that with you, in case you’d like to take a break from the booze cruise. Also, that’s what I tell myself: I’ve taken a break. Maybe I’ll drink again. Maybe I won’t.
But overall, life seems to be a shitload better for me because I took a break. Perhaps it could be for you, too.
Things I’ve LearnedYou don’t have to drink to have fun
What a shocker! As someone who’s been drinking since his senior year of high school (sorry mom, we weren’t just “hanging out” in the basement), most events in my life revolved around booze.
Almost everything does: Comedy shows, concerts, after-work functions, meetups, dates, conferences, dinner, museum tours. But guess what? The events don’t change if you decide not to drink!
You’re still you. Maybe you’re a little less “inhibited,” but is that altogether terrible? I’ve found that when I hang out with folks who have been drinking, I start to feel the same way I was — in terms of becoming silly, goofy, fun — when I was around people while drinking.
And I remember everything that happened during the events, too, which is always nice.
2. You have way less regrets
Since I stopped drinking, I’ve yet to wake up and look at my phone, see something I texted, and go, “Ugh, wwwwwwhhhhhy.” I’m in control of my actions basically all of the time.
I think a lot more before I respond to something someone says. If I’m angry, it gives me time to calm down instead of just reacting like a shithead. Drinking definitely helped my inner asshole come out a lot more often.
Now I am better at keeping the jerkier side of me locked up. It still comes out, sure, but at least I have more control over when that happens.
3. People will judge the shit out of you
This one was the weirdest one to deal with. Many, many folks will give you shit for not drinking. Here are some actual things I’ve been told:
“C’mon, dude, just have one beer! It’s not like you’re going to meetings or whatever!”
“I can’t trust someone who doesn’t drink.”
“You’re not fun unless you’re drunk.”
“When you don’t drink, it makes me feel bad about myself, which makes me not like you.”
“I can’t date someone who doesn’t want to get drunk with me, sorry.”
I’ve bet I said some of these things back when I used to drink. Because when you’re around someone who doesn’t do something you like doing, you can be taken aback by it.
I’ve had friends who’ve stopped hanging out with me because I don’t drink anymore. I’ve had relationships end (or not even start) because of it. I have been sent screenshots of people I know talking smack about me to other people because I choose to not do a thing.
It’s weird. But it makes you realize the bad relationship with booze other folks must be having. And for that, I have empathy. And I hope they figure it out.
4. You sleep so much better
I haven’t slept this great since before high school. Holy shit it’s fantastic. I could link you to all the studies that show how alcohol affects your sleep, but hey, take my word for it.
5. You get less sad
I don’t know if I have depression, but I used to get bummed out a lot. Days where I wouldn’t want to leave my apartment, or see anyone, mostly because I hated myself.
I don’t hate myself nearly as much as I used to. I’m generally okay with my life and who I am. Positivity is my go-to emotion, even when something bad or terrible happens to me.
It’s like I flipped this switch inside my brain: Instead of going to shittiness, I try to find the reason something is positive. It’s definitely weird to have this happen to me.
6. You develop more empathy for others
A few weeks ago, this guy blared on his horn because I was crossing at a crosswalk and he wanted to turn, and he almost hit me with his car, then he flipped me off and told me to go fuck myself and die.
Old me probably would’ve stood in front of him, not moved, taken a photo or video of him, shared it on the internet, explained, “Hey look at this asshole who tried to hit me with his car!” and felt smug and wonderful about it.
Instead, after an initial moment of fear and anger, I realized this dude is probably having an awful day. Maybe he’s late for an appointment. Maybe he’s trying to get to the hospital to see his sick son who has cancer. Maybe he didn’t have as loving of parents as I did, and that’s filled him with resentment his entire life.
Either way, that guy has something going on, and I wanted him to be happier. Then I felt weird, because my brain has been wired forever to be a little shit to anyone who wrongs me. But now? I generally jump to empathy. I like that it does that now.
7. You save so much money
I bought a condo. I’d like to pretend as though it wasn’t because of how much money I saved not drinking and buying food while drunk, but probably 1/4th of my down payment came from just abstaining from booze.
Yeah. I know.
8. You get tired earlier
It’s pretty hard for me to stay up past 11 p.m. most nights, even on the weekends. When I was drinking, booze was a magical fuel that kept me going, trying to find a new adventure.
Now that I don’t drink, I’m not constantly searching for adventure, trying to find one more fun thing that will fill the empty void inside of me. I’m content with what I’ve done for the day, and my body wants to go to bed. I dig that.
9. You become amazingly productive
When you’re not spending most of your free time at bars, you get a lot of shit done. I read more. I write more. I learn more.
I spend more time working on bettering myself and my skills than I ever would have sitting at a bar, chatting with a buddy or two. I’m much less social than I was previously, but I’m also creating more art and failing a lot more than ever before.
In the end, I know I’m going to die. I’d rather there be a few things of me still hanging around a few years after I’m dead, some sort of expression of myself that others can enjoy. That requires me to put in the time to work on projects, make something tangible and real for others to enjoy.
That seems, now, like a better use of my time than chatting with some pals at a bar. That conversation may have been great, sure, but in the end, it dies with me and those people. If I can create a few things that last longer than me, it makes my life last longer. It means I mattered a little more.
I’m glad I haven’t drank for two years. Sure, I’ve done a few shots of Malort with people who’ve never tried it. And that one time a dude threatened to kick my ass if I didn’t drink that shot of whiskey he bought me to congratulate me on “being so funny” after hearing me tell jokes about how I don’t drink anymore.
If you ever think, hey, this drinking thing isn’t fun anymore, it’s okay to take a break. I just quit. For me, it’s been relatively easy, and I know it isn’t easy for everyone. But just know I’ve found countless rad people who can have fun without booze. And you can, too.
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An easy and reliable method of distinguishing bipolar disorder from major depressive disorder could save tens of thousands of lives, and transform millions more. Now researchers at Chongqing Medical University, China, claim to have found just that in a study based on biomarkers in urine.
Via Jocelyn Stoller
We want to alleviate the emotional and psychological pain of the person for whom we are caring. The mistake is believing “doing more” is the solution. In caregiving, as in writing, sometimes less is more.
Jan Bergmans's insight:
For forty years what he did for her was always out of love.
His wife also did many things for her husband. But with progressive muscular degeneration, her ability to take care of everyday chores decreased.
He now handled everything in their lives requiring mobility from shopping for food to helping his wife with toileting. As her needs increased and with little help available, what was done out of love before she became ill, was done because of necessity. He still loved his wife, but he daily skated on the verge of burnout.
Many strategies can make caregiving easier. The one most often written about is the reduction of stress. The problem with focusing on stress reduction is the strategies are for AFTER events get out of control. For example, one often reads, “Take a break for yourself at least once a day.”
While taking breaks is important for reducing stress, the well-meaning statement doesn’t address what created the stress. Stress is what happens BECAUSE of prior events. Focusing on the resultant condition is similar to closing the gate of a barn after the animals have left.
Instead of focusing on stress reduction, concentrate on stress prevention. Caregiving is stressful, but we can do various things to reduce its impact. Below are three I and other caregivers found reduce the occurrence of stress.Prioritize
One of the hardest things caregivers face is prioritizing what’s important. Many people, such as the husband, assume they can best serve their loved one by doing everything they did prior to the illness. While laudable, their efforts often are unrealistic, regardless of the love someone has for the person receiving care.
Equating the pre-caring situation with the caring situation is a formula for disaster. Even if the amount of effort appears identical, you need to factor in the new emotional weight of the activities.
Think about using simple criteria to prioritize needs. For the husband, developing criteria was simple. “Most important” was anything that could affect the physical health of his wife (e.g., creating a barrier-free home environment). Second most important were things that “buoyed her spirits” (e.g. going to the symphony). Least important were “everything else” (e.g., keeping the kitchen spotless).Simplify
“Complications” are a part of caregiving. A complication may involve increasing the number of required activities. At other times, the complication may involve consequences (e.g., scheduled ingestion of medicines moves from important to critical with some conditions).
Simplicity can be introduced into caregiving. The easiest way is to rank order the importance of everything you’re doing, as suggested in the “Prioritize” strategy. But often, even reducing the number of necessary activities doesn’t result in the prevention of stress.
An alternative is to reduce the importance of an outcome. In our example, the husband and wife always took pride in the spotlessness of their house. While a “clean house” was still important, an “immaculately clean” one no longer was. “Acceptably clean” simplified their lives.Accept
Caregiving is always in flux; either because the illness is progressive, or the effects of it continually require attitude adjustments by both the loved one and caregiver. Just when the caregiver and loved one adjust to the change, the situation shifts and a new period of adjustment begins which inevitably will change again.
“Acceptance” becomes the basis for developing future strategies. By planning for continual changes, you reduce the possibility of more disappointment when improvements don’t occur. If there is improvement, that’s icing on the cake.
Many people refuse to accept the permanence or progressiveness of a condition requiring care. They equate “acceptance” with “giving up”. However, acceptance of reality often leads to creative ways of adapting (e.g. trading in a sports car on a van equipped with a wheelchair ramp). Hope, on the other hand, can prevent adaptation and becomes a delusion leading to continued disappointment.SUMMARY
Will implementing all three strategies make caregiving a joy? Probably not. Caregiving involves making choices. Rarely are they between what’s “great” and what’s “terrible.” Most involve choosing between two or more alternatives, that are “less than great.” Using the three strategies will enable you to adapt to what is presently occurring and minimize the possibility of disabling stress.
Lonely is not being alone, it’s the feeling that no one cares.
Via Mary E. Berens-Oney
Jan Bergmans's insight:
TY Mary, I still care ;-) JB