Join the Conversation Today on DivorceForce!It really is up to you every day whether you see divorce support as a curse or a blessing! Whether you are the giver or the receiver, I recommend you reframe it as a blessing. Is this easy? Of course not! However, if you actually go through the trauma o
Anne Brown's insight:
It really is up to you every day whether you see divorce support as a curse or a blessing! Whether you are the giver or the receiver, I recommend you reframe it as a blessing. Is this easy? Of course not! However, if you actually go through the trauma of getting divorced and you stay married through your anger that seems pretty self-destructive! Remember, "Letting someone live rent free in your head" has bigger costs than a monthly check.
New to the dating world? Dr. Anne Brown provides some useful advice that can help make the transition easier.
Anne Brown's insight:
Take the time for a self-journey. Getting on a journey with your self requires courage, consciousness, feedback from a trusted advisor, vulnerability, insight, and the refreshing ability to apologize for starters. Knowing your strengths and challenges, competences and incompetence’s, where you are a beginner and where a master, is the first step of this journey. Surrounding yourself with people who value this consciousness and are seeking it as well is refreshing. Clarity about who you are with all your foibles builds confidence and self-esteem and is very attractive.
Sociopaths/Psychopaths are fun, exciting, seductive, charismatic, impulsive, sexy AND unfortunately individuals diagnosed with anti-social personality disorder. What does this mean to you? After you have been drawn into their world, you are going to find:
They don’t keep agreements.They have a disregard for the law and any rules.They lie, are deceitful, can use aliases for their own personal financial gains or pleasure.They are not concerned with their own or your safety.And ;they don’t have remorse which translated means they don’t care that they hurt you.
Today, beginning today, please, we must all stop saying, writing, cheering, promoting, and engaging in hate. It is such a sign of fear, ignorance, insecurity, prejudice, and an outdated belief. We need different ideas, backgrounds, beliefs, and traditions in order to be better people. More importantly, we have real breakdowns in the world that we must address together with different ideas. I challenge us all today beginning today, do not post, speak, or support another word/action of hate. Let’s see if we can do this together. We have a discipline called debating to speak about our different ideas. Different ideas are welcome and we must have a grassroots movement to start debating with respect and dignity. Debating is healthy. Hating people because they have different ideas shows our ignorance and fear. Shooting people because they have different ideas is insanity!
“Become friends with people who aren’t your age. Hang out with people whose first language is not the same as yours. Get to know someone who doesn’t come from your social class. This is how you see the world. This is how you grow!
2. Practice Tolerance
We are all one! We are all human beings. Find the country that has laws that make you feel safe, has values you relate to, and settle in and make it a better place to live. Our laws must be obeyed. Our practices that do not disobey our laws must be tolerated. When we subscribe to beliefs that can only exist by putting others down we must question rigorously. If you are not allowed to associate with people who believe differently (beliefs that do not disobey the law), “Houston we have a problem.” It is 2016, the world is a smaller place, we are connected and we need to interact with one another. Ask yourself this question. Do you really think with over 7 billion people in the world we are all going to have the same beliefs, practices and ideas? With curiosity we can learn from each other, and with tolerance we can live together peacefully.
“ There are hundreds of paths up the mountain, all leading in the same direction, so it doesn’t matter which path you take. The only one wasting time is the one who runs around and around the mountain, telling everyone his/her path is wrong. Hindu Proverb
This is 2016! Wake up! Don’t be that person wasting time on the mountain.
3. Demand Wisdom
For the purpose of this article, let’s agree Wisdom is knowing how to use knowledge. Sometimes we call the wise person an old soul. When we take a few words that we saw written somewhere and forget to add “I wonder how this fits into life in 2016” we are going to get into trouble. Wise, thoughtful, thinking people can help us through these difficult times. We need to surround ourselves with wise people and work to become one. For example if you have ever handed over your power to a sociopath and you were able to really recover, you will be wiser the next time you run into a sociopath. Learn from others. Do we need to get every lesson by self-experience? That can be exhausting! Help others with the wisdom you have developed. Raise your standard from knowledgeable people to wise people. Read, think, debate, and become self aware with wisdom as your goal.
“It is not what you look at that matters, it is what you see.” Henry David Thoreau
4. Remember Compassion/Empathy
“Walk a mile in my shoes, then see what I see, feel what I feel, THEN maybe you’ll understand why I do what I do. Until then Don’t Judge Me!”
We are a self-centered society. Can we change this? Can we care about others? Can we live our lives, make our money, feed our children, and take care of our families without stepping on others? I don’t know and I would like to think we can shift our paradigm to let’s create a society where we can all live our lives, we can all make our money, we can all feed our children and all take care of our families!
“No one has ever become poor by giving.” Anne Frank
“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy practice compassion.” Dalai Lama
5. Replace Fear with Love
If we can accomplish keeping our first four New Year’s resolutions, Love becomes easier. It is hard to live in fear. It produces all the wrong juices in our bo dy leading to an unhealthy body. It is time to say No to fear and Yes to Love.
“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” Maya Angelou
Many of you will read these resolutions and say to yourself no way, I love hating and I am not going to change. Have at it!
Many of you will read these resolutions and question, but mine (whatever mine is) really is the best. All I ask is you spend some time questioning why you feel this and stop running around the mountain.
Hopefully some of you will agree with me that things have to change and change starts at home. Start practicing some or all of these resolutions. Get a book club together and read about these concepts and spread the word. I believe the polarity and hate in our country is dangerous for our children and our families. I believe we can end it with respectful debating. Debating ideas takes us to higher solutions! Killing and hating does not. Join me in ending a culture of violence and revenge and replacing it with a cultural of compassion/empathy, love, and wisdom!
“Love is like a virus. It can happen to anyone at any time.” Maya Angelou
Denial is a mechanism we use consciously or unconsciously to alter reality, usually to pretend it is better than it is. We don't want to see aspects of life for which we have no solution or we don't like the solution.
Anne Brown's insight:
Let's look at this. In most cases we are going to have to eventually break through our denial so to speak, so why not sooner rather than later. I remember a father who called me several times with new information each time that his child was in trouble with drugs and alcohol. He wanted me to validate that his child wasn't in trouble. If the information about a college student in trouble with substances is getting back to his Dad, well it's certainly not something I am going to deny. His son is probably in serious trouble. Do everything including getting evaluations and treatment if this is you. If something horrible happens, you know you did everything you could. If your child is in trouble, it is up to you to acknowledge this fact. In many cases your child may be screaming for help. This week Barbara Walters interviewed Peter Rodgers, the father of Elliot who killed 7 and injured 13 innocent, beautiful young people in Santa Barbara. Peter is the only parent of a student/mass murderer who has ever spoken on television. He understands that he missed the seriousness of his son's problems. Everyone touched by Elliot's actions, resulting from his problems, will never be the same. Life as they knew it will never be the same. Their hearts have been broken and their hearts will never be the same. They will wish they could turn back the clock to just do one thing differently to save their child's life. We can't miss serious problems particularly one's that will lead to harming other people. Peter has promised he will find some way, whatever he can, to help others who's children are at risk. We need to really look at all the systems that failed here. I think it is a time for all of us to take a deeper look at our own lives and ask, "Am I in Denial about something in my life?"What would you do as a parent and what are you doing if you have concerns as a parent? As most of you know, you have until your child turns 18 to "help" your child without his consent. Would you be able to have the backbone to make sure your child gets the help he needs. Would you see that your child needed help? Are you having the conversations with your child to really know him? Do you know what makes your child happy, sad, angry, offended, fulfilled, joyful, resentful and on and on. How are you guiding your child on these issues? We are often horrified at these tragic events that devastate people's lives. Unfortunately, we then go back into our denial that it could never happen to us. Let's all do something different in honor of the precious lives that were taken so horribly and unnecessarily that day. Take a look in your little world and see where you are in denial and take a little whack at it. Do something you would not have done before reading this article. Don't say it doesn't apply to me. Kudos to the police and domestic abuse agencies in several communities in England who are being proactive in preventing domestic abuse around World Cup soccer events after research has confirmed a 35% increase in calls during these times. There is also an increase when England wins. One community called well known offenders to recommend they watch the world cup without incident. Other communities had extra personnel available during the matches. This is what can happen when people get out of denial and stop pretending, in this instance, domestic abuse isn't a problem. There is shame that is associated with abuse. Unfortunately, this shame contributes to people suffering domestic abuse in silence. When posters are put up everywhere, calls are made, resources are communicating, and help is mobilized because we are not coming from denial, everyone benefits. Kudos also to the FBI's Cross Country Organization who held it's 8th sting last week saving 168 children and arresting 281 pimps. Sex trafficking is going on in the United States, in our cities, with our children and when we don't deny this fact we can find solutions for these children. Everyone wins when we get out of Denial! Do something today to whack away at your denial about something in your life! Take a different action Now! "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-I took the one less traveled by and that has made all the difference." Robert Frost (c) Anne Brown 2014. Permission needed for reproduction in any form. Follow me on Twitter @scienceofno and like my Facebook page Backbonepower The Science of Saying No for more updates!! Anne Brown PhD RNMS E email@example.com http://www.backbonepower.comhttp://www.youtube.com/user/Warriorfamilies
Join the Conversation on DivorceForce Today!The divorce is final and now we have the challenge of the first year. The first year after your divorce and every year thereafter is going to contain holidays. As with all of our challenges in life, it is never the challenge, it is always our perception of the challenge.
This summer in particular, we had some pretty spectacular athletic competitions in England, France, and more recently, Rio. Whether you follow cycling
Anne Brown's insight:
Well, people in recovery all have different stories and we all have goals. We also have different conversations and commitments to these goals. Since I believe it is often easier to see ourselves and our blindness in others’ lives, let’s see if we can find ourselves here.
Abusive marriages come in different forms. Most people are quick to think of "physical abuse" but there are definitely other acts of abuse that detriment the well-being of individuals at the hands of their domestic partner.
Whether this is your first time in the dating world or you are newly divorced and entering the dating world, there are some steps you can take to help guard against divorce. There are no guarantees and why not do everything you can to live happily ever after with that someone special?
Guess what: those superficial things you think are so important don’t hold a candle to these two foundations of a good relationship and/or marriage. Stop shopping for the right one with your superficial glasses. Put on your big person pants and let’s dig into some interesting conversations that have more staying power than “cute butt or sexy eyes”.
Developing an observer in charge of turning your mirror inward, I believe, is a key component of getting clear the offer you are and the offer you want as a partner. When you are in the blame game” “its not my fault, it is everyone else’s fault” any partnership is going to have its limitations. Getting on a journey with your self requires courage, consciousness, feedback from a trusted advisor, vulnerability, insight, and the refreshing ability to apologize for starters. Knowing your strengths and challenges, competences and incompetence’s, where you are a beginner and where a master, is the first step of this journey. Surrounding yourself with people who value this consciousness and are seeking it as well is refreshing. Clarity about who you are with all your foibles builds confidence and self-esteem and is very attractive.
Unfortunately, when people don’t take the time for a self-journey, they are at risk for blaming, hypocrisy, being judgmental, and insecurity runs rampant.
What do you mean a self-journey and how do I start?
I believe when life sends us life lessons; it is time for us to really learn. Read good books about developing your authentic self, finding your voice, find your dharma/gift/raison d’etre, turn the mirror inward and really look at yourself. Hire a therapist/mentor/coach who can help you see your blindness’s. Learn to be that person in a serious relationship who can say. “I recently discovered I am very controlling. I am working on shifting that so if you feel I am overly persuasive with you let me know.” How refreshing. Now I don’t have to spend months beating my head against the wall to be the one to show you the blindness you have. And if I have that openness as well there is a fiery intimacy developing to have that level of vulnerability and conversation. When two people start with a history of “self “growth, it is a good indicator the “couple’s” growth might be important as well.
I can’t emphasize strongly enough how important a self-discovery journey with one’s self is before finding your partner. Many people believe if you like to do a lot of the same things your relationship will work. Having things in common is part of the picture, and my assessment it is not the glue.
I really believe the glue is the gift of knowing who you are, the good, the bad, the ugly, your opinions, your goals, your dreams, what makes you laugh, cry, get up every day, and having the courage to share the above with someone who can do the same. When you have this vulnerability with each other, you add being able to resolve conflict respectfully, and you have lots of juice for each other, the game of a successful relationship becomes more interesting.
Being able to resolve conflict respectfully is the next jewel in mastering a successful relationship. Find a paradigm that works for you or follow some universal guidelines:
1. Make I statements not you statements
2. Don’t use Never or Always
3. Agree on a time to talk
4. Provide evidence or be specific
5. Request the new behavior
So e.g. at an agreed upon time and I like a setting such as a bath/hot tub ask for a conversation about finances.
“I would like to set up a financial system where I get an agreed upon amount of money every month rather than asking you every time I need money.”
If things get too heated I recommend a break and try discussing things while dancing. Whatever works you have to learn to resolve conflict respectfully!
Couples have to have the “he/she is under my skin”. “I think about my partner when I am not with her/him. We therapists cannot provide this piece.
So if you are about to enter the dating world and you want to have success, I recommend you start with number One! Have a date with yourself and get to know yourself as others know you. Get help to identify your blindness’s and become the person you really want to be. Once you find someone who perks your interest, knows who they are, has enough of the superficial stuff to pull you in, it is time to practice resolving conflict. In addition to the above recommendations, pages 94-95 of my book Backbone Power the Science of Saying No have a step-by-step guide on how to resolve conflict respectfully. Couples who can do this are on the way to preventing breakups/divorce.
“Someday, someone will come along and help you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.”
Welcome to the 411 Divorce page! People have many questions about divorce, what a divorce involves, how to proceed with a divorce and so on. Here you can access unlimited resources (audios, articles, etc.) that will help you get through the difficult process towards a peaceful divorce.
Remember Sociopaths are opportunists and you are at risk for being that opportunity for him. I need five commitments from you if you want to avoid the wake of destruction that comes from dating a Sociopath.
1. Commitment to your Heart:
Healing a broken heart takes time in pain and sorrow. Yes he is fun, exciting, seductive, and yes he is superficial, without conscience, without compassion, a liar, and looking for the opportunity you are. It is not IF your heart will be broken, it is WHEN. Remember Ted Bundy (serial killer) was attractive, athletic, charming and he killed at least 30 women if not close to 100! Ted Bundy’s final words before he was electrocuted were, “I’d like you to give my love to my family and friends.” NO REMORSE! He wants to send love as though we are going to forget the horrific things he did to beautiful souls. Oh I am going to die, I guess I’ll send love! Really? Think about that for a long while. Say No to the first date if you recognize the signs early. Say No immediately when you finally do recognize the signs. Be wary of seductive, fun, exciting, and look for superficial, lying, without compassion and conscience for openers.
2. Commitment to your wallet:
Healing from a broken heart is one thing, but add an empty wallet to the broken heart-not so good! Don’t pay when he forgets his wallet. Tell him “how funny I did too”. When you offer to pay when he forgets his wallet you “teach” him, “that was easy, I’ll forget it every time.” Sociopaths spot your weakness. They have to have that skill. It is how they make it in the world. In a healthy relationship, the way money flows is a discussion that happens. It is not decided by default (who forgot their wallet). Keep your wallet closed in the beginning of a relationship! If a man asks you out, he should take you to the place he can afford.
3. Commitment to NO Savior!
You may be a savior/caretaker in your career (or not), and do not be the savior in your relationship! When you hear about the lost wallet, broken down car, job he just lost, the rent he needs to pay or he will be on the street, OFFER empathy and/or encouragement. Nothing else!!! (Ted Bundy got many of his victims by asking them to help him unload his boat/car!) Note to self. Helping people is a lovely quality in the right situation and dating a sociopath is not the right situation. One of the reasons people feel so traumatized when they have been “dumped” by a sociopath is the inequality of what they did for the relationship and what the sociopath did not do for the relationship. Equality in a healthy relationship is a good thing. Sometimes you are being helped and sometimes you are the one giving the help. This does not happen with the sociopath. Listen to all the victim stories you want, and then offer Empathy and/or encouragement: “Life’s lessons can be tough and I am sure you will figure it out.” REALLY listening to all those victim stories may jar you out of his superficial seduction. Boring!
4. Commitment to Making Requests
Many people think being a chameleon is the best way to be in a relationship. Sociopaths want a chameleon. A good partner wants a partner who has opinions, wants, needs and a road map of how to take care of her. The sociopath is NOT there to take care of you so watch how your requests are honored or not, in a new relationship. In a healthy relationship both people take care of each other financially, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Sociopaths have no interest in this paradigm. Remember Bernie Madoff? He wouldn’t take your money if you made too many requests like “tell me how you get such a high rate of return on my money”. Bernie was only interested in chameleons! Simply making a lot of requests could have saved a lot of people a lot of money!
5. Commitment to Timing and Patience
Give people time to reveal who they are to you. Companies usually don’t give benefits for 90 days. I have a theory that most people’s “stuff” will start to show in this time period. You want to see how your partner treats his parents, siblings, friends, your friends, his colleagues, the people who serve him, and most importantly YOU! You can’t get the full picture in one evening. Take the time to choose wisely, who will go on your journey with you!
Anne Brown's insight:
Recap Sociopath Alert!
When you meet someone charming, fun, exciting, and seductive, look for lying, superficiality, no conscience, no compassion and opportunism.
If you need to explore come armed with your heart, wallet, and caretaker hat under lock and key. Be prepared with lots of time and patience to really rock the boat and see who falls out!
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